The Secret History Of The Vampire

The worst thing that could happen to a vampire is to be born before 1970. Modern vampires have sex appeal, and have a very good chance at getting laid. Pre-1970’s vampires were pasty-faced creatures who were destined to die by a stake.

The danger of shopping when you are hungry

Just The Facts

  1. Being a vampire SUCKS
  2. Modern vampires get laid
  3. Old vampires get DEAD

Modern Vampires and SEX

Being a Vampire would suck.

Let's face it, unless you hung out in a vampire commune, surrounded only by other vampires, you would constantly have an urge to eat your friends.
Such is the life of a modern vampire. Torn between being your trusted friend, or sucking the life out of you and condemning you to eternity as a member of the "undead."
The worst thing that could happen to a vampire is to be born before 1970. Modern vampires have sex appeal, and have a very good chance at getting laid. Pre-1970's vampires were pasty-faced creatures who were destined to have a stake driven into their hearts by the end of the movie.
With the evolution of the "good" vampires and the "bad" vampires, the issue of BEING a vampire has kind of blurred in recent years. With movies like "Twilight" (New Moon), "Underworld", and "Blade"; one could question whether being a vampire is all that bad?
The up-side of being a vampire: you live forever, you do not have to file an income tax form (because you are dead), and apparently women (and / or men) find you attractive do to some magical process. (Personally, I think it has a lot to do with the sexy leather underwear that female vampires usually wear, but I could be wrong about that.)

The down-side of being a vampire- you are dead. You have to drink blood to survive (blood, which does nothing to help your skin complexion), and you miss out on daytime bargain matinee prices at the theater.

How did vampires get so dam cool?

The first movie, that I remember in which vampires were "kind of cool" was- "The Lost Boys" (1987) which featured Corey Haim, (who just passed away at the age of 38.)

Make no mistake; the vampires from The Lost Boys were mean bastards. They would suck your blood quicker than a Toyota heading for a brick wall. However, these vampires liked to party. These blood suckers rode motorcycles and listened to loud music. The Lost Boys made it kind of "hip to be dead."

The first- real "friendly vampire" was portrayed by George Hamilton in the movie "Love at first Bite." (1979) Hamilton's vampire was just a goofy DEAD guy who was searching for true love. (Blood, screaming, and batteries NOT included.)

Most of the movie vampires beyond this point, (1970's) were dark-evil creatures that should be killed on the spot.

To kill a vampire, you must drive a stake through its heart, drag the vampire out into sunlight, or force the vampire to watch Sandra Bullock's movie: "All about Steve."

The "good old boys" vampire style

Where do modern vampires come from?

Congress. Most vampires come from the US government. Congress- a dark, musty place which holds its meetings in private, and has a secret chamber of coffins in the basement; the US Congress has created most vampires in the world today. (OK, maybe I made that up?)

Throughout history there have been many stories of people having a thirst for human blood, or mythical bat-like creatures hunting human prey. However, Bram Stoker wrote the first, definitive book on vampires, called "Dracula" (1897). Most historians believe that Bram Stoker based his book on Vlad Dracula of Romania. Vlad was the ruler of Romania in 1456 and he had a small problem; Turkish invaders wanted to take over Romania, and the people of Romania were not sure if Vlad Dracula could stop the Turks.

To prove that he could handle this job, Vlad placed stakes along several roads leading into Romania. On these stakes, Vlad impaled his enemies and left them hanging there to die, slowly. Vlad had many enemies, and there were thousands of people dying on these stakes when Turkish troops arrived. Sickened by what they saw, many Turkish troops refused to enter Romania, because they couldn't believe a person would do such an evil thing.

Through many battles, Vlad was successful in keeping the Turk's from invading all of Romania. During one such battle with the Turks, Vlad was losing and had to retreat. Vlad ordered his men to remove the horseshoes from the horses and turn them around backwards. When nailed back on, it appeared that Vlad and his army were heading in the opposite direction. This fooled the Turks and allowed Vlad to escape.

After the war with the Turks, Vlad Dracula began to show his softer side. When he learned about the poverty of the Romanian people, he invited all of the poor to a feast within one of his castles. Once the poor citizens were seated in the castle and eating, Vlad ordered his soldiers to bolt the doors closed and they burnt the castle to the ground, killing everyone inside. (OK, Vlad Dracula didn't totally grasp the concept of "social welfare.")

Though there is no proof that Vlad routinely drank human blood, there is a story about Vlad Dracula meeting Romanian dignitaries at his castle, Vlad was seated at a dining table and was eating. On each side of the table were two criminals who were impaled on stakes, and slowly dying. Blood was dripping onto the dinner table and Vlad soaked up some blood with bread and ate it.

This could be the genesis of the vampire story. Or, at least where Bram Stoker came up with his first Dracula story.

No doubt, vampires have evolved throughout the years. (Not to mention that their sex life has improved drastically.)

What will the future hold for vampires? Who knows?

If the current group of young actors continue under a "New Moon", vampire's prospects look pretty good.

However, if Jack Black and Ben Stiller become vampires, all bets are off.