Chelsea Clinton

Chelsea Clinton is the daughter of former president Bill Clinton and daughter of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. She is also bizarrely fuckable in ways that modern psychology is unable to explain.&

Right? Still...

Just The Facts

  1. A precocious child, Chelsea would often point out that her father's legacy would be tainted by his many ill-suited affairs, and that her mother looked like a truck driver after a three day long haul.
  2. Attended Stanford University, received her Masters at Oxford, and worked at a hedge fund before revealing her ability to destroy mountains with her eyes.
  3. Is the third most sexable politicians' daughter in recent history, trailing Alexandra Kerry and the Bush Twins (combo pack only).

The Woman

Chelsea Clinton was born in 1980, making her part of the murky generation after X and before Y. This may explain why she has such a difficult time figuring out what she wants to do - aside from being a former president's daughter.

Her adolescence was spent more going to receptions for ambassadors than it was about reading Judy Bloom novels, staring at her vagina in the mirror or writing sad prose about why she just doesn't fit in with her classmates (that's what teenage girls do, right?)

Also, she was named after a Joni Mitchell song!

Later, after the 90's wrapped up and everyone staggered home from the free blowjob party that was that decade, Chelsea realized she needed some purpose in life. So emerging from humble origins and with a plucky can-do-it-ness spirit a la Mary Tyler Moore Show theme song, struggled bravely in the face of struggle, struggling around with all of the struggle rope available, until somehow finally managing to be admitted to Stanford University.

A real rags-to-riches story.

The Sexy Woman

OK, honestly, who out there reading this hasn't fantisized about fucking Chelsea Clinton at least once?

Like Maggie Gyllenhaal, only with security clearance.

Sure, think all you will about how she has a "horse face" or that she came out of a mythical vagina, but if you were a pubescent boy in the 90's and glimpsed at the girl that was the president's daughter, who happened to be close to your age and seemed like the type that has low self-esteem and body issues, and would be approachable under the right circumstances - she was kind of hot.

Like, say, the Secret Service took a smoke break, and both snuck off to a party at Doug's, and after swimming in the pool with your clothes on, knowing glances shared across the shimmering water, well, it was late and she leads you further into the backyard under the trees to talk and the next thing you knew her lips were on you, her kisses a flurry, as tumescent feelings hitherto suppressed overflow as champagne uncorked from a shaken bottle, and she says yes I will yes...


You know what? The 90's must have sucked if this is the material someone (not us) had to work with back then. Let's face it, at this point someone has a better chance fucking professional hag/skeleton/heiress Teresa Kerry than Chelsea.

Besides, C-Bot is engaged to some douchebag (again, not us), so to hell with that overprivilaged Stanford and Oxford educated, Former President and current Secretary of State's Famous Millionaire Daughter.

Chelsea, we miss you.