KISS Merchandise

You know the band KISS? How could you not? KISS puts their names on everything to make sure that you don't forget it.

Just The Facts

  1. Some bands are in it just for the music
  2. Others are considered sell outs
  3. And then we have KISS
  4. The KISS logo is one of the most recognizable entertainment symbols in the world
  5. That's because it's on just about everything
  6. KISS has made hundreds of millions of dollars selling just about everything to their fans, from condoms to caskets

Your Life, Twisted and Defiled by KISS Merchandise

Once upon a time ...

Your father was getting drunk on KISS beer,

and met your mother. Having had far too many of them he was unable to properly put on his KISS Kondom

As a result, 9 months later you were born, and your parents took on the role of parenting, gone were the shiny silver handbags

and instead were replaced with a diaper bag

and baby food bowls

Now while you were busy playing with your rubber ducky,

your parents, behind closed doors and window blinds

were arguing about money. Not happy with the way he was living, your father grabbed his ski mask

and robbed a bank. Unfortunately he was caught, and now you only hear from him when he calls from the prison common room on his phone card

Ace Frehly can finally afford to call home

Shortly afterwards, your mother started dating again and met a wealthy former football player. Your life was now good, you went to school every day with your lunchbox

and thermos

and when you were home you played the coolest toys and games

Your new father even started to teach you golf

In case you're wondering, that's a golf club cover

although you spent most of your time just fixing the pieces of the course that you destroyed

That's okay, because afterwards he would take you out for ice cream

And when you got a little older, and started dating, you made sure not to leave home without putting on your cologne

You took your date to fun parties with good music

and of course party snacks, served in the best bowls

and eventually you go off to college

and, being the college student that you are, enjoyed the standard college events, including the favorite drinking games

Poured out of the finest pitchers

We find that oddly disturbing

You wake up the next day, get out of bed and put on your Snuggie

While trying to recover from your hangover and eating breakfast

It's like they weren't even trying with this one

you remember that it's your mother's birthday in a few days. You run to the internet to look for a gift

And you come across a nice set of nutcrackers that she can add to her collection

The gift arrives, and you bring it over to her house. She was busy playing bingo with her friends

You give her the gift, and she's so happy with it, that she gives you a lottery ticket that she had bought

And with luck, you won. You decide to go and buy a new television with it

As if the KISS logo in each corner wasn't enough, every time you turn it on you have to sit through 8 seconds of staring at the logo onscreen.

However, when you were walking to the store, you came across a homeless man. You run into the coffee shop

To buy something for him to eat. However, after you come out of the shop with the food and bring it to him, he decides to stab you

You have died

The KISS Kasket, as noted on the site, is waterproof and can be used as a giant cooler when not serving its primary use.