Prom Dresses

As a female senior in high school, I'm now starting to look at possible dresses for my final Prom. (Yes, guys, we are that fucking crazy.) However, these dresses are even sluttier than I could have imagined-- and, clearly designed by people on drugs.

Doesn't work for women, even if you like other women. Sorry.

Just The Facts

  1. Proms as we know them today began as elegant debutante balls in northeastern American colleges. Now, they've been reduced to, "dress up and dance your fucking pants off."
  2. Women are always the ones who have to worry about looking good enough to fuck at these Proms, especially now.
  3. Dresses for proms have gotten progressively sluttier, year after year. The sluttier ones are always more expensive. More on that later.
  4. All of the famous dress designers are "gay" men who secretly want to bone each and every one of us, ladies.

The Beginning: How Drugs Have Influenced the Prom Dress Industry

"Drugs?" you may ask. "What do drugs have to do with any of this? I thought you were going to talk about ugly Prom dresses!" Well, good sir or maddam, I shall answer your question with a question: Have you been to an American Prom recently? Have you seen how awful most of these dresses are? If you haven't, I daresay that you've been missing out on the fruits of the most boner-tastic industry this nation possesses! Exhibit A:

What happens when you let your pimp design your Prom dress, biznatch.

Not pictured above: the pimp BABY DADDY who forced this poor girl to marry him go to Prom dressed like that. God-of-choice bless you.

Someone's baby is going to be born addicted to crack, much like the dress' designer.

So, I suppose I should get to my point. What is my point? The point is, these dresses are made of crack. If the above image is not enough proof for you, look at these pieces of gold:

I'm sorry, did a Care Bear throw up morning sickness on your dress, or is that just your bad fashion sense on crack?

How old is she, fourteen with tit implants? Definitely fair game for Pedobears. Look out, future slut.

The previous girl in fifteen years: "I AM GOING TO STAB THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN THE EYES."

Pictured: Duct tape prom dress. Not pictured: the fuckloads of crack, meth, pot, and PCP required to make it happen.

Prom meets those Italian weirdos from Twilight. (To be fair, I would wear that to a Rennaisance Faire. But not to Prom. It's supposed to be elegant with a fair amount of slutty thrown in.)

...Is that a fucking CAPE?

Left: Lil' Kim in 1987.

For my gay boyfriend at Prom '10. Crackers, thoughts?

Seriously, though. Anyone showing that much of their stomach who isn't a stripper (a profession I do respect) at a school-based event is obviously trying too hard, and probably has no personality underneath that (possibly) sexy physique.

Designer 1: Prom dresses are supposed to be gowns? Great! Let's do the exact opposite!
Designer 2: Pass the doobies!
Designer 1: Faaaabulouuuus!

I'm gonna let this one speak for itself.

Jury, I rest my case.

The Inverse Fabric-to-Price Ratio

So, in my own adventure through the world of internet Prom dress shopping, I found one basic trend to always be true: the more fabric the dress is made of, the lower the price. The inverse of this was also true: that is, if it's made of less fabric (and therefore, more slutty) cost more, even though being made of less fabric means that it should cost less to manufacture. Unless, of course, it's a "brand new fucking design," that apparently took fucktons of work to accomplish, and therefore needs to cost more.

"New and Innovative styles have changed fucking dramatically throughout the years."

To add to this, I've found here another visual comparison between two dresses (that makes no sense to the financially literate.)

I DARE you to guess how much each one costs.

Go ahead, guess. I'll wait.

Alright, here we go: The one on the left is $350. The right one is $278. If the one on the left has a "new an innovative style" that warrants it costing more than a lot of new college text books, then I'm the next Pope. And I'm a youn Jewish chick. Think about THAT the next time you bang a girl after prom, and how much you might want to pay her for making your night worthwhile.

Given this almost COMPLETELY universal trend in prices, I came up with this:

Yes, the original image was stolen from the Sluts topic (linked on the side), but here's my credit. So shut the fuck up about that.

Anyway, yeah. These dresses are all designed to appeal to certain economic classes above all else. Thus, the prices on the really "nice" and "innovative" ones are obscene even to the rich folks out there. That's how this was allowed to happen:

The Closeted Straight Men Who Design these Dresses

Upon first seeing the above image, you may be wondering, "What the FUCK is that?" First off, that guy... I have no words. I honestly can't say if he is genuinely homosexual, lost a bet to a genuine homosexual, or if his date is just a sadist. His red-dyed hair might be a clue, but other than that, I really can't make heads or tails of it. Please help the world make sense of this, fellow Crackers.

Anywho, has anyone else ever wondered way almost ALL the famous fashion designers are men? Seven out of ten of these top designers (or eight for eleven, if you count D&G as two) are men, according to New Faces. And I press you with another question: are any of them straight? Nope. Not a one that I've heard of.

Finally, I think I've just found some semblance of wisdom in Yahoo! Answers.

Or have I? Upon second thought, I realized this: with all the boob-showing, ass-loving dresses these people design (especially for Prom, ahem) a fucking shitload of women must really, really want to fuck these guys. Ralph Lauren is one of the most esteemed fashion designers in the world. The three bosses of Coach Inc., according to Wikipedia, are all men. (For all the dudes out there who have no idea what I'm talking about, they make all the awesome purses that every single woman alive wants unless they have a Louis Vuitton. ) That's right, ithe ones in charge of making some of the most desired purses in the world are all men.

You can guess where this is going, can't you?

"They have to be gay!" you might say. But I beg to differ. It does not take a vajayjay to have any amount of creativity. Not only can men be extremely creative, but this whole "gay designer" fraud seems like a very creative scheme to me, indeed! So what if you're publicly "gay"? If you make good fashion, women will be shoving their wet asses in your face like sixteen year old boys playing dodgeball!

Slightly NSFW: Like this, but with real bewbs in your face.