Clint Eastwood

Like a fine wine, Clint Eastwood gets better with every year that passes. Also like a fine wine, Clint Eastwood seems to be imploding in upon himself (we uh, we don't really understand wine.)

Just The Facts

  1. Clint Eastwood is an 11-time Academy Award Nominee and 5-time Oscar Winner.
  2. An anagram for his name is "Old West Action."
  3. This proves, without a doubt, that fate exists.
  4. Or else that Clint Eastwood is really into anagrams and had a life plan from an early age.

The Beginning

Clinton Eastwood Jr. began his acting career in 1955 with an uncredited part in Revenge of the Creature, the sequel to Universal's classic horror film, The Creature From the Black Lagoon.

Despite this legendary performance, Hollywood could not yet find a need for a man whose only facial expression is "I want to kill your dog, all the time." But Eastwood finally got his big break in 1958, when he was cast as a series regular in the classic western TV show, Rawhide.

The Clint Eastwood Guide To Acting

After nearly 8 years and 217 episodes of Rawhide, Eastwood set his sights on becoming a legitimate leading man in Hollywood. He decided to accomplish this goal by mastering the art of pretending to murder people. Nearly 50 years of this incredible method acting has created some very memorable roles.

The Man With No Name (and a bunch of other badass cowboys):

Sergio Leone's acclaimed Dollars Trilogy mainly consisted of Clint smoking cigarillos, defending the honor of his mule, and just...just honestly rockin' a poncho. That is not an easy thing to do; it's like a Mexican muumuu. Clint also played a cowboy in Joe Kidd, Hang 'Em High, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Two Mules for Sister Sara, Unforgiven (for which he was nominated for Best Actor) and also all the rest of them. All of them. It's just honestly easier to list the westerns Clint Eastwood hasn't been in.

That's about all.

Dirty Harry: Easily the most badass police officer in the history of cinema, the magnum-powered Inspector "Dirty" Harry Callahan is the role Eastwood was born to play. Eastwood portrayed Harry Callahan in the films Dirty Harry, Magnum Force, The Enforcer, Sudden Impact, and The Dead Pool. With the Dirty Harry series, Clint single-handedly set the standard for the "renegade, loose cannon cop who doesn't care which rules get broken as long as he gets results" genre. Over the course of five movies, Harry disrespected his superiors and set the womens' lib movement back, told off the mayor, threatened criminals acquitted of crimes and generally just murdered every lawbreaker he came across instead of detaining them. Dirty Harry didn't even own a pair of handcuffs; he just had two more little guns connected by a chain.

Though Eastwood has stated that he will not make a sixth Dirty Harry film, he has often joked that if he did, Harry Callahan would spend his retirement fly-fishing with his .44 Magnum. That's how you make a fucking movie about fishing, A River Runs Through It.

Other Roles: Despite the huge popularity of his signature roles, two of Eastwood's highest grossing films came about when he pioneered the lucrative (and tragically untapped) Orangutan Buddy Comedy market with the films Every Which Way But Loose and Any Which Way You Can. Both movies feature Clint beating the living shit out of people with his bare hands while an orangutan rides shotgun with him in a semi truck. It is, obviously, the best movie series ever made.

Some of his other memorable roles include Frank Morris, the leader of a group of tunneling inmates in Escape from Alcatraz, Frank Horrigan, a veteran secret service agent in Wolfgang Petersen's In The Line of Fire, and astronaut Frank Corvin in the film Space Cowboys. All roles that would unquestionably improve with added monkeys.

After over 50 years of acting, Eastwood claims to have now closed the book on his acting career, with his final role having been that of racist Korean War veteran Walt Kowalski in 2008's Gran Torino. It was his highest grossing film, raking in nearly 270 Million dollars. As Walt, Clint spent much of the film drinking beer, making gunfingers, spouting every racial slur possible and telling people to get the fuck off his lawn. The film was an inspiration to old people everywhere, and may possibly result in millions of Senior Citizen gun deaths. Only time will tell.

If You Need Something Done, Do It Yourself.

Clint Eastwood has been directing movies since 1971's Play Misty for Me. At first he only directed films that he starred in, but he has since branched out into directing other leading men and women. Though initially dismissed by critics, Clint eventually worked his way into the upper echelon of directing society with 1992's Unforgiven, which won both Best Director and Best Picture.

Or maybe he just took them because he wanted them. Who's going to say anything?

Clint has since gone on to be nominated for Best Director and Best Picture three more times for the films Mystic River, Letters from Iwo Jima, and for 2004's Million Dollar Baby, for which he again won both awards.

"No, I didn't make a movie this year. I just lost my other two. Got a problem?"

His most recent directorial efforts include the films Changeling, Invictus and Gran Torino. His newest film is the supernatural thriller Hereafter, which stars Matt Damon, who got his break starring as a know-it-all punk in Goodwill Hunting. It is highly possible this will be the last time anybody sees Matt Damon alive. Mr. Eastwood's know-it-all punk policies are well documented.


Eastwood was known for doing many of his own stunts. For The Eiger Sanction, he learned to mountain climb and then scaled one of the most notoriously dangerous mountains in the world, the 13,041 foot tall Eiger in Switzerland, so that no stunt doubles would be used. He also slid down the outer walls of Alcatraz Prison in Escape From Alcatraz, and leapt from a bridge onto a moving bus in Dirty Harry.

Eastwood is an accomplished musician and actually recorded a song with Merle Haggard that hit number one on the Billboard Country Chart in 1980.

Eastwood was a notorious womanizer and has fathered at least seven children with five different women.

Clint was the mayor of Carmel-by-the-Sea, California in the mid 80s.

For many years, Clint was the number one choice of Warner Bros. for the role of Batman in a film adaptation of Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns. And now this article is over, because that concept just exploded one of your testicles and you really need to get to a hospital before you succumb to shock.