Dan O'brien
Dan O'Brien. Who is he? Is he a he? Have the restraining orders worked? Should we care?
Just The Facts
- The assistant editor of Cracked.com, and one of the few consistant, and genuinely funny, writers on the net.
- Any suggestions he is related to Jack O'brien, the editor in chief of Cracked, are met with withering scorn by Dan, and extreme violence by Jack.
- Nor is he related to Conan O'brien. Except in a "I'll kill you and take your job" sort of way. But that does not get talked about much.
The Perception
Daniel "Steelballs" O'Brien seems to be no mystery to regular Cracked readers, who have come to know and fear him through his work.
- The winner of the Cracked office pool as man most likely to be arrested for stalking for the last 5 years running (once on the 1st of January).
- Bestselling author.
- Banned from
12131517 states, with Hawaii voting at any time. - The scourge of plagarists, earning him the affectionate title "The Dong of Death" in the purveyor mines.
- Internationally famous enough to have his own sex offender lookalike.
- A consummate actor and Hollywood insider.
- A shrewd analyst of politics, news and the internet culture.
But is this the real man?
Well - yes. Mostly.
The Man in His Own Words
On Himself
"I have so many people to thank. First and foremost, I'd like to thank myself. Without my support and unyielding dedication to excellence, none of this would've ever happened, and I'd be a sucker just like all of you chumps."
"...I'm not trying to force the fight-or-fuck response simply because it happens to be the way I personally handle absolutely ever social situation, that's just a coincidence."
"I'm like a black Barack Obama."
On Sex
"I'm going to have sex with the black chick who hangs around on this ship. What's her name?"
On Work
"Did I write that? Oh ho, man, I'm the best."
"Stop pretending male comedy is all id-driven retard candy..."
"PUT THE FUCKING PUNCTUATION INSIDE THE QUOTES." - sadly unlinkable.
On his Collegues
"Who?"
On Life
"I'm not racist, but I think Puerto Ricans should be kept in cages."
On His Passion for Justice
"I don't give a shit about the law right now, (or, hey, while we're at it, ever)."
On Miley Cyrus
Section removed on legal advice.
His Colleagues Speak
Mr. Jack O'brien
We tried desperately for a quote from the editor in chief, but could make out nothing more than the occasional muffled sob.
An Intern (Anonymous by request)
"He sometimes doesn't pour coffee on me"
A Former Collegue
"... he MIGHT be Spider-Man ..."
"(He) does spend 50 hours a week getting high and playing the sitar."
R. Brockway
"All the skills of a ninja, all the motives of a sex offender."
C. Bucholtz
" .. the concept of needing a reason to steal unfamiliar to him."
Kind of short. I was hoping for mention of his hilarious alcoholism, the intentional over explanation of boner jokes, and of course his funny nicknames for Jack O'Brien
ReplyStill a work in progress, sadly. Research is a sod on this - I keep cracking up trying to find the quotes I want.