Seanbaby

Seanbaby is the nickname of Sean Reiley, a writer who works mainly in the medium of internet hilarity.

And you were powerless to stop him

Just The Facts

  1. Seanbaby comes from Idaho.
  2. Seanbaby helped shape Internet humor as we know it.
  3. Seanbaby is an avid user of the word "dong".

Cracked on Seanbaby

Seanbaby's website, seanbaby.com, has been online since 1997 and has swelled to massive proportions in that time, becoming the Internet's second largest repository of quality comedy; The first, of course, being Dr. Nutshot von Dickjoke's Orangutan Ballet and Chuckletorium.

chuckletorium

Who could compete with that?

Writing Style

To put Seanbaby's writing style into words is a daunting challenge. The closest analogy would be to say that it exists in a world where our mundane laws of physics don't apply, a where up is down, salt is pepper, and cats are trees. There it's possible to combine a fratboy's relentless sledgehammer of mockery with a nerd's fastidious attention to detail and the razor sharp observational skills of a stand-up comedian.(a good one, not Dane Cook) In our reality, putting these things together would cause an infinite feedback loop of kegstands, airline jokes, and puns about solar prominence that you'd need to fourth year course in advanced extragalactic astronomy to even begin to groan at. In this alternate hellscape, however, these three elements freely combine in a way that defies God and all of nature. The results of this unholy orgy then slip into our dimension through a wormhole that opens up exclusively into Seanbaby's brain whereupon he throws in some groin kicks, filters out 87% of the homoeroticism and types them out for all of us to enjoy.

seanbaby vs brian posehn

And that's when he's not busy physically restraining Brian Posehn, seen here in mid-sasquatch transformation.

Offensive Content

The casual observer may find his style of humor crude, excessive, or even a little mean spirited. This is because the casual observer is a mollycoddled vagina who needs to have the true meaning of comedy embossed into their skull through the magic of fists. Seanbaby's writing is chock full of sarcasm, violence, threats of violence, profanity, explosions, insults and punching: All the core components that make comedy funny. No one ever got a laugh by sitting on a lawnchair in the park waving a hankie and passively doling out praise to whomever walks by. Every successful comedy writer knows this and Seanbaby knows it twice as much and thus double stuffs every article with enough hysterical aggression and jocular rage to reach down your throat and pull the laughs out by force if you don't offer them willingly. He is that committed to your amusement.

Informality

It's not all about face violence: In addition to being aggressive and uncompromising, Seanbaby's writing style also maintains an air of friendly informality. It's always lighthearted fun with Seanbaby, even when he's threatening to asspunch your mother. He eschews five-dollar words that bony old men use like "mollycoddle" and "eschew", preferring to reach his audience with simple, direct and unpretentious prose: No screwing around. When you finish reading a Seanbaby article, there's no question about his stance on whatever topic he's writing about.

Hyperbole

Another arrow in Seanbaby's comedy quiver is his love of insane hyperbole, and he likes to use it most when he's called upon to describe unresponsive video game controls. In fact, something about having to explain bad video game controls using the written word causes the part of Seanbaby's brain that handles exaggeration to go into crisis mode and defend itself in the only way it knows how; By squirting out one insane comparison after another. Here's an example straight from his site:

"Trying to tell E.T. which way to hobble is like trying to pilot a hot air balloon and being Christopher Reeve at the same time. Which, if you know anything about hot air balloon safety, would never be allowed."

And with that, Seanbaby's hyperbole gland saved the world form E.T. controls forever.

et

And this isn't even the really bad E.T. game.

Subject Matter

Seanbaby's writing covers a vast array of topics, ranging from Kicks to the Groin up to and including Dog Pilates. Most of his subjects relate to ridiculous popular culture, but he also has tackled ridiculous current events as well.

The appeal of Seanbaby's writing isn't derived from the challenging subject matter that he chooses. Hastily made games, outmoded 80's culture, and old comics are the lowest of the low hanging fruit: Most of us can figure out that E.T. or Bible Adventures are cruel, mocking slaps in the face of interactive entertainment or that the Mighty Popalots probably weren't the epitome of cool, even in their native 1984.

Seanbaby's genius lies in how he can wring every ounce of laughter out of any given topic. Where, say, Tosh.0 might make one or two humorous comments about how "Mr. T's be somebody or be somebody's fool" seems to teeter between being a silly 80's public service video and a documentary about full blown psychosis, Seanbaby can (and totally did) produce a 3500 word essay on the subject, with screencaps, footnotes, sidebars, and object examples. Every aspect of the topics of Mr. T, Being Somebody, and Being Somebody's Fool are covered in such thorough, loving, academic detail that the rest of the world might as well just shut up about it, already. Seanbaby has carved all the comedy off of even that massive carcass, and in his wake left only some gold leaf, some scraps of mohawk and the snow white bone. Plains Indians only wish they could get as much use out of a dead buffalo as Seanbaby can out of not finishing a Mary Kate and Ashley game.

Seanbaby.com

Seanbaby's website, seanbaby.com, has had its ups and downs over the years in terms of profitability and frequency of updates. However its ability to, in its words, "Rock your face" has been unwavering. The frontpage has undergone a number of changes since its creation and in his continuing bid to be the Leonardo DaVinci of scrotum jokes, Seanbaby has designed each iteration himself. Some of the distinctive features of his design style include the use of classic comic and cartoon art, and his own pixel art renderings of characters inspired by NES games like River City Ransom and Mega Man. Each page is crammed as full of as much information as possible and text is kept tiny so that old people can't read it.

The Early Days

old site

The only good thing about the Internet in the 90's was that your mom didn't know how to use it. Other than that It was a lawless wasteland of html 2.0 and animated gifs that had maybe 200 Arch Nerds on it. Websites were eye-searingly ugly and seemed to be legally obligated to display at least one image of a floppy disc and contain text welcoming you to their little corner of the internet.


Any entertainment you might find on these sites was almost certainly produced between part time shifts at Del Taco, and usually didn't hide the fact very well. In 1997, Seanbaby was unceremoniously added to this equation. The result was like a dropping a fully armed neutron bomb on ,well, an equation. Math was splattered everywhere, decimals bled out on the street. Somewhere, an awkward analogy died unmourned.

When Seanbaby's website started out it was mainly comprised of three-colored gradients, rambling manifestos about From Dusk 'Til Dawn, and photographs depicting Seanbaby flipping off the viewer in various contemporary settings.

triple deuce

Late 20th century Neo-Eclectic

This put it head and shoulders above most other entertainment available on the Internet.

Many of what would go on to be staples of Seanbaby's work appeared here for the first time: the Hostess Fruit Pie Page, the Stupid Page, The NES Page and The Video Game page (the last two of which he considered to be separate topics for some reason) were all accounted for.

His revered "The 20 worst Nintendo games of all time" article was written during this time. In it, he took 20 Nintendo games of low and sometimes negative quality and devoted several paragraphs to the metaphorical ass reaming of each one. This was necessary because the invention of the Nintendo Wii was still over 10 years away, bringing with it the word "shovelware" and a way for civilians to finally give a name to the atrocities that Nintendo had been committing upon them since the release of Urban Champion. Before that, Seanbaby was their only voice.

T20WoNGOAT's influence has echoed through the internet ever since; Which is a fancy pants way of saying it's been ripped off by every hack who could do a screen capture of their NES. This represented the beginning of a shift that would see the Internet gradually stop slavishly trying to imitate Scott Adams style workplace comics and start slavishly trying to imitate Seanbaby's video game articles.

The Golden Age

Being one of the four or five websites offering passable comedy on the internet, it wasn't long before seanbaby.com began to attract the attention of the Internet's players, bigwigs, and muckamucks. UGO, an entertainment portal site catering to males aged 18-34, (brah!) added seanbaby.com to their network and began paying him to write articles.

This elevated his status to those legendary few who managed to turn their hobby website into something they could make a living from. Getting the Internet to give you money is difficult at the best of times: As of this writing Twitter and YouTube are still swirling, money-sucking vortexes of anti-profit, and everyone on Earth goes to those sites. To make even a modest living writing Internet comedy is nothing short of a dickjoke miracle.

What followed would be the most prolific period in the site's history. If it was between 1998 and 2002, you could be sure of two things: You'd have to hear that god damned Aerosmith meteor song at least twice a day, and a couple of times a month you could look forward to a new Seanbaby article. Some of Seanbaby's best, most gut busting, laugh-yourself-stupid work was written in course of these years. While it is possible to list everything that was posted there in this period of seanbaby.com history, it would take a long time and we're probably reaching the breaking point of your attention span as it is, so here are a couple of highlights:

Video Game Secrets and Strategies

videocassette box art


Not so much a review of a Nintendo instructional video as a warning, this article details the exploits of the lushly bemulleted U.S. Video Game Team as they attempt to drop some learning on you with regard to no less than 5 Nintendo-Compatible games. These young men look sensational in their red white and blue jumpsuits, but to hear Seanbaby tell it they're socially maladjusted mouth breathers who can't actually play the games they're supposed to be teaching us about. I can't say for sure that he's right about the specific incidents he mentions because none of the video clips on the page work anymore, but this you tube video seems to back him up. Especially the socially maladjusted part: It sounds like Napoleon Dynamite for real in there.

It's not all fun and games, though. In the article, Seanbaby has the temerity to question the legitimacy of U.S. Video Game Team. One of the team members, Mr. Donn "Donnell" Nauert, read it and sent him an email setting him straight on the matter: There is a U.S. Video Game Team and he himself holds 18 video game world records. He's surprisingly affable and even self deprecating, which is generous of him given the gruesome joke-lashing Seanbaby administered to his 1986 self. One thing he fails to explain, however, is his repeated inability to perform the "Killer Throw" in Super Dodge Ball.

Aquaman

aquaman


All of Seanbaby's Superfriends articles are classics in the genre of supehero taunting, but his hate-filled diatribe on Aquaman is a stand out. Seanbaby has made no secret of his contempt for the Justice League's overspecialized fighter of water-based crime; But whether it's deserved or not, (it is) it's hard to argue with the results. Due to his general uselessness, Aquaman was already a target for stand up comedians before this, but Seanbaby pushes the envelope: Showing example after example of watery impotence, and the illogical extremes the show's writers had to stoop to (fish skates and water balls) in order to make the character seem in any way relevant to a team that had Superman on it.

The Age Right After the Golden Age

All good things must come to an end, and in 2002 the partnership between UGO and seanbaby.com finally dissolved. There could have been a number of reasons for this: While it's most likely that they just didn't have the money to keep paying him, we prefer to believe that the government caved in to pressure from the Hostess Fruit Pie Lobby and forced them to stop financing his site. Whatever the nefarious scheme was behind this tragic turn of events, it didn't seem to slow Seanbaby down.

He redesigned the site for the new millennium; Giving it a slicker, more compact style. The video game sprite look was excised for more of a focus on photographic elements. More important than all of that other crap: Photographic evidence of the fateful meeting of Seanbaby and Mr. T was added.

How humanity survived, we will never know.



The new frontpage was a substantial improvement over the blinking animated gifs it was replacing. That was a good thing because, save for some minor changes, it would look this way for the next four years.

Updates to the site took a hit, going from every other day to once a month. There was still some top-notch comedy to be had in the newly-minted "Absoludicrous Video" section of the site. "Straight Up", for example, was a nonsensical look at the real life problems a handsome teenager named Chad as he tries to stop nerds from giving him their vast supply of scotch and weed. Lou Gossett Jr. is on hand to introduce him to people dressed as drugs who try to kill him. I don't know if Straight Up will help you stay away from drugs, but it will change the way you look at Fate Elevators.

Today

Seanbaby has recently redesigned his website to better accommodate his recent Man comics work. He also seems be working through a subconscious desire to burn out your eyes' red receptors. We can only assume that they were asking for it.


Suck it, red receptors.

The Freelance Age

Posting long-form comedy articles to his website for free would be enough for most mortals, but Seanbaby knew he was being selfish in keeping his words contained to just one medium. So, he began to branch out and share his gifts with the world beyond the Internet.

Electronic Gaming Monthly

Seanbaby had already had a print article in Electronic Gaming Monthly called the "EGM Crapstravaganza: The 20 Worst Video Games of all Time". This piece expanded on themes that he had explored before: Themes like listing 20 bad things, having those things be video games, and making jokes at their expense. The twist this time was that he wasn't restricted to 8-bit Nintendo games, this freed him to include Atari Jaguar games, which he did with a vengeance. If you don't have that issue of EGM and want to read the same thing but with more swearing, the whole article is available on Seanbaby's site.

The EGM/Seanbaby relationship continued with his recurring "Rest of the Crap" column in that magazine. Until EGM's untimely demise in 2009 Seanbaby served up monthly helpings of the worst games, game peripherals, and collections of glitches and honk noises masquerading as games as you could possibly need to read about.

Far from epic articles of old, these reports were quick and efficient. Like comedy ninjas they leaped in, eviscerated their targets, and faded seamlessly into the shadows. In some cases Seanbaby didn't even need to play the game in order to tell you what was wrong with it. In the case of "Karnaaj Rally", for example, he was able to base his review solely on looking at the box art. This feat took Seanbaby beyond reviewing and into the realm of super-reviewing.



karnajj

He probably could have stopped at the spelling of "Karnaaj".

The aforementioned untimely demise of EGM was a blow to lovers of good video game journalism, and hilarious journalism based around bad games. Fortunately for the first group, EGM was reborn as an online-only publication. Fortunately for the second group, and unfortunately for makers of Hannah Montana dress-matching simulators, EGM announced that Seanbaby would be continuing his work as their chief player of crappy games. Whether this will be fortunate or unfortunate for Seanbaby's continued sanity in the long run remains to be seen.

The Wave Magazine

Billing itself as "Silicon Valley's Finest Entertainment & Lifestyle Magazine", the Wave's website has sections featuring The Arts, Wine Tasting, and Health and Beauty. We can only imagine that Seanbaby's arrival in the midst of these hoity-toity, pinkie raising snobs was not unlike Macho Man Randy Savage bursting through a wall dressed like a hotdog stand to offer terrified children dried meat.

randy savage

SNAPINTOASLIMJIM!

Still, whatever hypothetical culture clashes might have been going on behind the scenes didn't affect Seanbaby's ability to make fun of things. None of these articles feature cartoon superheroes or horrible video games, but the atrocities here richly deserve the treatment they get. There are about thirty articles in the archive on topics ranging from Celebrity workouts, to Frivolous Lawsuits, to Turkish Star Wars, to Frivolous Lawsuits X: Leprechaun in the Hood.

Seanbaby on Cracked

In 2009, Seanbaby made his comedy debut on Cracked.com with his weekly column "Flying Blind on a Rocket Cycle". His time on Cracked has allowed him to expand his repertory of topics to include sports and mass murder. Also he's allowed to swear here. In his time at Cracked he has contributed 62 articles, some of which even paid lip service to Cracked's popular "List Comedy" format.

Working for Cracked allowed Seanbaby to vent some of the wild hyperbole he'd been bottling up since he'd toned down his bad game control similes in his EGM reviews. MMA (mixed martial arts for all those of you out there in countries without pay per view) offered the perfect opportunity to once again bust out the face explosions, and probably get himself killed.

We don't care lazy his guard is, we would never, ever make fun of this guy.

Self-destructive death-by-Brazilian-shootfighter tendencies aside, Seanbaby seems to have a working understanding of these things called "Sports", lending him a commanding authority when he tells you how the participants look like yoked-up kaijus. Not that we'd know if he was lying: The last time we went to the baseball enclosure to see the ballplay performance we couldn't tell which troupe was wearing the local costumes.

The hotdogs were good, though.

The MMA articles were great, but sometimes a man has ideas cannot be contained by a category and five entries, and when that time came for Seanbaby he produced what may be his immortal legacy...

Man Comics

Old comics are well-known for being pointless for everything except tricking rich nerds into spending thousands of dollars on something people would have wiped their asses with when they ran out of toilet paper rations in the 40's. They're dull, talky, and there weren't nearly enough decapitations to be worth the 10 cents they were charging. At least that was the case until Seanbaby got involved. By repurposing creepy old comics from discount bins, he has produced a new art form: Creepy old comics from discount bins...For Men!

The formula is simple: Take a comic, throw out everything about it that sucks, namely the characters, story, and dialogue, then add your own word balloons. When you're done, toss it away and hang your head in shame because whatever it was you did won't be a tenth as funny as Man Comics.

crying kid

You heard us, Piper. Get that piece of crap off the fridge right now!

As created by Seanbaby, Man comics take us to a world where everything is knives and a stranger is just a demonic serial killer you haven't met. It's hard to imagine what sad stories these comics depressed children with before their man-upgrade procedure. Probably best not to even think about it, instead let's meet the cast of lovable scamps that make Man comics the hairiest comics around:

The Punchmaster!

Eternally referring to himself in the third person, what Punchmaster lacks in finesse he makes up for in punching. He finds no clues, solves nothing, and rescues no one unless there's a way that punching someone could accidentally set in motion a chain of events that frees the president of France. But that only happened once and the next punch killed him outright. Doesn't count.

The Punchmaster never looks the same twice: There are a number of theories as to why this could be, but much like Lost it's mostly just a bunch of internet forum grab-assing that no one will care about once the final season of Punchmaster hits DVD.

tootsie

Captain Tootsie

Growing up with a name like Captain Tootsie, it's little wonder that this why Swedish behemoth developed a passive aggressive hatred for children. He's only made one appearance so far in Man Comics, but he made it count by not only using drugged candy, but also a sled to torment orphans.

Popsicle Pete

Man comics' breakout character is Popsicle Pete. He's often underestimated, but he always comes through when he's doing what he does best: And that's delivering refreshing, fruit-flavored goodness to all the children of the world. Wait no, I mean murder. He has telepathic powers and he murders people.

Popsicle Pete was once an ordinary child with everyday problems: He had big ears, no Majorette uniform, and didn't talk in blood. A visit to the police station solved two out of those three problems. After that he traveled the world in search of children, sailors, and World War II bomber captains in need of his help.

He's become such a popular guy that he has his own facebook page. Apparently, none of us are safe.

Physical Appearance

Physical Appearance

seanbaby waving with clown


Seanbaby looks like what you'd get if the producers of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers needed to cast the leader of a gang of street punks: Audacious and physically imposing, but with a goofy streak that makes him about as threatening as Steve Wozniak.

Steve Wozniak on a Segway

Although the Segway does give him a height advantage.

His customary uniform is jeans, some kind sneaker, sandal, or casual loafer and a t-shirt featuring some kind of 80's thing like a Gobot or something. His hair is kept short and spiky to preserve his aerodynamics, and is dyed in up to two clown colors.

Extracurricular Activities

Drinking

Seanbaby, like all great writers before him, knows his way around an alcoholic beverage. He can often be found demonstrating this knowledge in a wide range of public and private drinking venues. He has been known to drink both in street clothes and in full drinking costume.

meesa get punched

Martial Arts, Scaring the Crap Out Of Germans

While we can not officially confirm Seanbaby's skill level in the manly art of Muay Thai kickboxing without letting him put his elbows on us, we do have photographic evidence that he made the commitment of buying a pair fanciful battle shorts, so he's probably legit.


haikeeba!

There's no audio, but please feel free to provide your own Mario jumping sound effect.

In addition, his credentials seemed to be enough to frighten crap-auteur Uwe Boll during the promotional campaign for his god awful adaptation of the long forgotten FPS game "Postal". The story of the "Uwe Fights His Critics" debacle is worthy of its own entry but until someone does that, here's the cliff's notes version:

Over a storied career racking up an impressive 100% unwatchability rate, Uwe Boll began to realize he had made some enemies in the world of film criticism. In reality the demographic of people who hate Uwe Boll films goes beyond critics to encompass the category of "Everyone who has seen a Uwe Boll film" not to mention "Everyone with functioning eyes and the ability to breathe and feel pain", but Dr. Boll is nothing if not optimistic.

Boll figured that if he were able to somehow defeat his softer and weaker critics in hand to hand combat, people would love him and see his movie. Instead of pointing out the disconnect between these two things, Boll's cronies put on a boxing event that went horribly, horribly wrong from a not-passing-out-concussions-like-candy perspective. Dr Boll is an amateur boxer, you see, and most internet critics get winded typing long URLs.

As part of this promotion Boll was supposed to appear on the G4 network's flagship non-Xplay program "Attack of the Show", and fight its elfin host Kevin Pereira. Pereira was game, but the producers decided that it would be much better if Seanbaby were to do the honors. Seanbaby was more than happy to step into Pereira's punching shoes, but when Boll learned that the person he would be fighting was not the former host of "Arena" but the Idaho Elbow Machine he suddenly backed out of the appearance. Sadly, this was the most intelligent thing Boll has done before or since.

Current Activities

Calculords

Seanbaby is now in the process of designing a strategy game called "Calculords", which will be coming soon to the iphone. (pending the rigorous and extra-reasonable itunes ratification process) Little is known about the gameplay for the game, but the name implies lots of math and this screenshot suggests that there will be both turn based strategy and aliens. Nothing wrong with that.

Seanbaby continues to do good works both on and off the Intewebs, The Rest of the Crap is in EGMi each month, and Flying Blind on a Rocket Cycle continues to roll on unchallenged on Cracked. In addition, he has recently completed work as a writer on UFC Undisputed 2010. (Which seems to us a little like having a representative from the Boxing Commission at a taping of The View) So barring him getting into some kind of volcano accident, or starting a real job, we can be sure of more face-rockage from Seanbaby for years to come.