College Parties

College parties are social events in which college students, and occasionally former college students, gather to mingle, which, popular to contrary Girls Gone Wild myth, very rarely involve hot bi-curious girls and video cameras.

Just The Facts

  1. Partying is a fundemental part of being in college.
  2. Most college parties involve the consumption of alcohol. Those that do not usually involve video games and loneliness.
  3. According to many college students, cops hate them and have nothing better to do than break them up.

Pre-Gaming

Before advancing to most parties, many college students will partake in a mysterious phenomenon known as "pre-gaming," whereas they will ingest varying amounts of alcohol, usually enough to cause a degree of intoxication. We are unsure of the purpose of this ritual, though we believe it has similarities to Bender the robot's usage of alcohol as a form of energy in Futurama. This may be in indicator that human beings are becoming more and more machine-like, just like Surrogates predicted. Other theories about pre-gaming include the idea that college students use it to "loosen up" before parties, because, honestly, college parties are the most stressful things you'll face while in school. I mean, how are you supposed to concentrate on life-changing exams when you have that damn party to worry about?

Radford University, circa 3002

Frat Parties

One of the more popularized forms of the college party is the type thrown by a particular fraternity, which, according to our research, is a circle that people join in order to gain access to said parties, but often pretend like there's a deeper meaning to it. Think of it as the Costco of college living. It's just slightly more expensive. Anyway, frat parties are usually held in run-down houses so packed with people that you are typically unable to cross a room without being dry humped. Many frats require a higher ratio of girls to guys, because, you know, parties totally aren't just about getting laid. Many are also underfunded, revolving around a single keg that is crowded around by dozens of people in the hopes of getting a cup of beer that could you easily just go buy for about a dollar a can. The exception, of course, are the frat parties held in Michael Bay Land, as seen in Transformers 2. Unbeknownst to Mr. Bay, most frats do not have $250,000 budgets. Joining many standard Greek fraternities usually requires a backwards hat, sea shell necklaces, polo shirts, and flip flops, though this is just a stereotype, and occasionally flip flops are optional.

A typical college frat party according to Michael Bay, a renowned expert on realism.

Parties and Sex...is There a Connection?

It is typically believed that many people attend parties for the sole purpose of having sex. We, here, have done much research into this hypothesis and have devised an answer: Duh. There are more details, however, as there is a distinguishable difference between the behavior of males and females at parties. Males are very direct, usually audibly proclaiming that they want sex while girls rather just pretend that they don't want sex. This is an unusual phenomenon that women have acting out for years. A common mating ritual seen at parties is what's known as the "Asshole Display." Like the male peacock who displays the best feathers gets a mate, the male at the party who displays the highest level of assholism, usually involving being loud, obnoxious, and insulting to everyone who isn't him while constantly proclaiming his own awesomeness, is generally the one who gets a girl to go home with him while the nicer guys who prefer intelligent conversations get to go home and play Halo. Naturally, this action is followed days later by the said girl complaining to her friends about how he isn't caring enough nor answers her texts and sleeps with other girls. Shocker. This, of course, contradicts every movie ever made. We believe that this flaw in natural selection is what will lead to the inevitable decline of the human species, as foretold by Idiocracy.
Every college girl's dream guy

Talking to Girls

Talking to girls and making a good impression upon them is a necessary skill when attending parties, and though we have not yet mastered this art, one that is commonly referred to as "lying," we have figured out a few basic rules for determining when a girl is interested and when she's not. If, when talking to you, she isn't shifting her eyes around looking for someone better to talk to , then you're in. If she walks away within five seconds of finishing a conversation with you, then guess what: You need to go buy some more sea shell necklaces!

Obviously, we have seen the back of many girls' heads.

Beer Pong

Beer Pong is a "sport" invented by college students (according to no credible sources, whatsoever) that gives partiers an excuse not to interact with one another. The rules are very similar to basketball, whereas you must toss a ping pong ball into a beer-filled cup on the other side of the table. Other rules include not letting your elbow cross the lip of the table and making shit up as you go along.

How to Make a Beer Pong Table
Step 1: Get a table.
Step 2: Put some cups on it.
You're done!
At a cost of about $14,000 a year on average, Beer Pong is one of the most expensive sports