Land Sharks

Sharks have been freed from the obligation to live in water. What does this mean for you? You'll probably die.

The Shark-Bear is one variety of land shark.  It is by far the most deadly.

Just The Facts

  1. In the world, there are sharks
  2. Sharks are dangerous
  3. Normally, sharks are confined to the sea
  4. Land sharks are not confined to the sea, therefore they are at least 500% more dangerous

Why Are There Land Sharks?

Land sharks exist because some scientists are assholes who don't know when to stop. You'd think they would have learned a lesson after Frankenstein happened. Or when Dr. Jekyll turned into Mr. Hyde, you'd think maybe someone would say "this is pointless and dangerous... we shouldn't do stuff like this anymore..." But no. No one said that. The Fly, Flubber, the Large Hadron Collider and the monster from "Watchers" also did nothing to convince scientists to think before acting. They just keep fucking with danger, completely oblivious to the fact that sometimes their tinkering results in a zombie-massacre and other times they create a shark that can walk on land and then we're all fucking fucked.

There should be some clause written into government research grants that says "if there is any way that your research could contribute to the creation and/or propagation of a super-monster, fuck you. We are not funding that shit." That would solve a lot of problems.

But until such a clause exists, we have to deal with things like land sharks. Good job, science.

What Types of Land Sharks Are There?

There are at least 40 known species of land shark in existence.

The original land shark was a robotic "toy" created by the company Hammacher Schlemmer in the early part of the 21st century. The toy was falsely advertised as "meeting all U.S. Federal toy safety standards" but it's a fucking shark, so obviously someone over at the Toy Safety Standards Headquarters was bribed and now there are robotic sharks in the world.

picture of shark robot

Since the introduction of RoboShark, many more varieties of land sharks have been created by meddling scientists.

#1. Shark-Bear

Shark-Bear: Possibly the most dangerous thing ever.

SharkBear

#2. Sharkicorn

Not to be confused with the Narwhal (which is utterly useless and probably not even dangerous), the Sharkicorn is best known by its common name: "deranged-bloodthirsty-sea-pony of the sky." It is in possession of powerful magical powers, like mind-control and flight. Thankfully, it is nearly extinct due to widespread harvesting of its young, which are completely helpless and taste like chimichangas. That's a bad combination when you are trying to not be naturally selected.

Sharkicorn

#3. Cran-Shark

It was only a matter of time before the "scientists" over at Ocean Spray thought of mixing cranberries with a shark. The result was a pleasantly tart but still fucking dangerous animal that grows on bushes.

The deadly cranshark

#4. Sharkipoo

Poodles are the cranberries of the animal kingdom. They are getting into everything nowadays, including sharks. This creature's chief source of power stems from its unbearable cuteness and soft fluffy fur. It is also pleasantly hypo-allergenic. But don't be fooled! It will maul you severely if you attempt to pet it.

It's poodle and a shark!

#5. Shark-Spider

Leave it to scientists to create the most terrifying fucking thing ever. The shark -spider can not only walk on land, it can hide in your bedroom and murder you in your sleep. And it can give you Diabetes.

Proof that there is no God

#6. Shark-Shark

The double shark is the result of crossing a shark with another shark and then preventing the first cytokinesis of the resulting embryo. After this time, the embryo is allowed to divide normally, but it has effectively doubled in strength and power and has gained the ability to walk on land.

double shark

#7. Sloth-Shark

This is not the most effective hybridization in history. It is bested in uselessness only by narwhals and sea-monkeys (which aren't actually monkeys at all!). It is capable of inflicting harm with its razor-sharp teeth, but it bites so slowly (average jaw-closing speed is .05 MPH) that it is essentially harmless. Unless you happen to be in a coma. In that case, you are pretty fucked. People, I've said it once and I'll say it again: DO NOT LEAVE YOUR COMATOSE LOVED ONES NEAR SLOTH-SHARKS.

Dangerous. Slowly.

#8. Shark-Hawk

I don't know what scientists were thinking when they crossed a shark with a predatory bird, but I bet it wasn't "I bet this thing will escape." But it did escape and now these "sharks of the sky" are spreading from their native Romania to the rest of the world, thanks, in large part, to their ability to fly thousands of miles without getting tired and without stopping. Thanks, Romania.

It's a shark. And it can fly.

Land Sharks in Pop-Culture

Saturday Night Live:

The comedy-sketch show Saturday Night Live broke the story on land sharks. Sadly, many viewers interpreted the coverage as a joke and land sharks have not received much media exposure since that time.

Land shark sneaking up on Dan Akroyd

Because of this early comedic framing, many people do not take land sharks seriously. Thus they are far more likely to let down their guard and allow a land shark to get within striking distance of themselves or their loved ones, mistakenly thinking the land shark is "funny."

Land-Shark Lager:

This is a real beer, brewed by Anheuser-Busch in cooperation with Jimmy Buffet. Seriously.

Beer. But with sharks.

Beer + Jimmy Buffet + Sharks + Land-Abilities = DEAD2 - Sobriety - Dignity

Land Shark Stadium:

In a flagrant display of ignorance, the Miami Dolphins renamed their home field "Land Shark Stadium."

WRONG

Land sharks are anything but dolphin-like. You will never see a land shark jumping through a hoop for fish. You will never be splashed by a land shark at Sea World. Land sharks are not friendly or even vaguely sympathetic toward humans. A land shark has never carried a shipwrecked human safely to shore on its back.

Sharks. Dolphins. They are different:

Heartless killer versus whimsical ocean friend

Vince Shlomi

Probably the best-known land shark is Vince Shlomi of ShamWow fame:

obviously a shark

What Can You Do To Keep Safe?

Nothing.