Land Shark

If you're anything like me, and you really should be, when you hear the words land shark you probably assume the fetal position and begin to beg your various gods to forgive you for that night that allegedly involved alcohol, arson, and an orphanage.

Pictured: A man clearly horrified at his impending demise and his regret for not first reading this article.  This could be you.

Just The Facts

  1. Land sharks hate you, and everyone you have ever loved.
  2. Land sharks also come in the form of gang members and sentient transforming robots.
  3. There is no god, only land sharks.

GOD.. WHY!?

Some of you readers out there might be fascinated by the land shark, yearning to know its true purpose. You are probably intrigued by its omniscience and its malicious nature, you wonder what evolutionary niche this abomination against the lord himself (had he not been devoured by land sharks) fills. At the same time, you are probably also wondering why you are alone and why you haven't encountered one in Serpentshrine Caverns. To these readers, please, I beg you.. turn back now before your mind is jaded for eternity and you are turned into a husk of the former person you used to be.

For the brave or foolish, I encourage you to read on.

If you have any sanity left in you, it's almost guaranteed that your first thought on the matter is, "We must destroy them." While this is impossible, it is indeed a double edged sword. In times of apocalyptic crisis such as this, comic relief is very important, and there is nothing funnier than watching someone who has just lost everything to our new saviors embark on a vengeful quest to smite these beasts down.

Spoilers: It never ends well.

Your next thought might be, "So.. What do we do?" and the correct answer dear reader, is fear. Land sharks are as ancient as time itself, this is a fact confirmed by our nation's top chronomancers, who have coincidentally also proven their own existence. If your stomach isn't already imploding and exploding simultaneously at the thought of just how fucked we actually are, it's about to. There are even forums run by and participated in by sick, sick cultists who seek to find the secret of what appears to be land shark mating rituals. Why do these demented souls seem to want to encourage the spawning of land sharks? I went deep undercover to find out, just for you.

Land Sharks In Pop Culture

Throughout the years, in order to delay our approaching doom, many media outlets have taken it upon themselves to kiss the collective ass of the land sharks. Your childhood and innocence is about to be stolen away from you, and then violated many times over.. perhaps being made to watch each other while this is occurring.

By show of hands, (not too loud, they'll hear you) how many of you remember the television show Street Sharks? Oh yeah, it's all coming flooding back to you now. This TMNT knockoff depicts four crime-fighting and generally good natured half-human/half-shark hybrids. You can sympathize with the little guys, I mean, after all they were the result of a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong at such a young age. If you were like me in your pre-teens, you were deceived into laughing with these monstrosities, you cried with them, and you might have even owned an action figure. Little did we know, this would seal our fate forever.

Be our best friend, PLEASE!?

BE OUR BEST FRIEND? PLEASE!?

Perhaps a more subtle, but still just as horrifying reference lie in a little thing called Transformers. Landshark (quite a subtle name) was not part of the main canon by any means. Top researchers attribute this to the theory that if you hear "land shark" three times in a consecutive thirty minute block of television, one will come through the screen and consume your happiness, hope, soul, family, friends, and leave you.. alone.. forever. Do you wonder why Optimus Prime died? Until now, you probably thought it was because the writers needed something to make children cry for their fallen idol. Wrong, the land sharks were so furious with their small part in such a monumental series, they WILLED Optimus Prime dead. That's right, they killed a fucking semi-truck robot with merely their rage.

This guy has the right idea.

Protip: "Energon" is synonymous with "enternal agony"

The most obvious reference of all though, the one who made the sheltered rest of the world aware of these flaming shit bags on the doorstep of Moses' golden mansion, would appear on a show called Saturday Night Live. The several appearances of Land Shark would be the most accurate and in depth look at the true intent of a land shark the world has ever seen, until now.

"... the Land Shark is considered the cleverest of all sharks. Unlike the great white shark, which tends to inhabit the waters and harbors of recreational beach areas, the Land Shark may strike at any place, any time. It is capable of disguising its voice, and generally preys on young, single women."

-Don Pardo (unconfirmed if it was actually a land shark speaking for him)

To say this statement is accurate, is to also say that the nearly naked (he has socks) homeless man in your downtown area is correct about every apocalyptic, governmental and religious theory he has ever thought of. Of course, not including the one about land sharks, he's right about that. It also means you're a communist. Have fun with that, red. I do give this brave man credit though, the fact he was able to even squeak a word of the true intent of our nemesis and survive is credit within itself. Another fact no one is quite sure about is why Mr. Parado said they generally prey on young women. While I am fine with the fact our brilliant overlords may have a heightened fashion sense and a slight lisp (had they not spoke in an ancient tongue so evil your organs turn to ashes of C'thulu's feces if listened to for too long), some might be slightly angry at the fact that homosexual land sharks do in fact exist.

This man is following proper "being murdered by a land shark" procedure. Always turn your back to them so they get to your delicious organs on the second bite.

So.. We're All Dead?

In short, yes.

If I had a list of questions I am asked the most, this would be directly under "Why do you carry a harpoon gun with you at all times?" and "What the FUCK is a land shark?" There is nothing we can do except live our lives as if they ever meant anything; always fearing, always waiting, always watching. Remember your first kiss? The land sharks willed it. Remember the first time you made love to your wife? That wasn't your swagger and box wine paying off, that was because a land shark wanted to mock your feeble, squishy, naked forms. Remember when you first held your new born child? That wasn't a miracle, a land shark simply decided to create and corrupt another child into their ever-growing cult.

Although, suddenly something inside me gives me hope. Maybe someday we can overcome our brutal oppressors and reclai- Nope, apparently daggers made of land shark teeth feel a lot like hope.