Pencils

A pencil is one of those wooden things with graphite inside that lets you write shit, like an emotional teenage diary entry or your gay fanfictions.

Don't get too caught up in the fun.

Just The Facts

  1. Pencils let you write and draw stupid shit like dragons or your name in block letters surrounded by fire (because you're hardcore).
  2. They are what people wrote with before computers
  3. They no longer contain lead, but instead contain a less cancer-y element called graphite.
  4. They can still kill you by being rammed through your face, however. (I'm looking at you, Joker).

How Pencils Work

Before you use a pencil. It is important to familiarize yourself with how the pencil works.

A simple diagram of a pencil.

A pencil uses only the most up-to-date graphite distribution technology to deliver the magical, doodle-creating elixir buried deep within the pencil's frame. When pressure is applied downward onto the pencil, the graphite is delivered onto the surface and you're ready to draw and/or write!

That's about it.

Uses for Pencils

Pencils have many uses. Below is a suggested list of how you can use a pencil.

  1. Whiny diary entries - By buying a pink notebook with a 5 cent "lock" on it, you ensure that your private thoughts will never be heard by anyone! So time to let 'er rip! Crack open a new box of pencils and start crying and writing about how that "bitch Emily didn't invite you to her party" because she's "such a slut". Then hide it under your pillow, where no one would ever think to look.
  2. Drawing - Tons of people draw. Now you can, too! Time to get out that diary and turn to a fresh page. Now, write your name in block letters. Good, now add some fire to it. That'll look so hardcore. Hell, draw all over the front of the diary, too. Because you don't care about rules you're so fucking punk. Hell, if you're good enough you might even end up on DeviantART!
  3. Coloring your fingernails - Bored in class? Want to add to that hardcore street cred you achieved with the flames-and-blockletters that made up your name? Mom won't let you paint your nails black? Time to break out the pencils. Fingernails are really easy to draw on, so you shouldn't have a problem shading them all in. And when you get tired of everyone making fun of you, the pencil will come off really easily. It'll come off using anything including your shirt, your friend's shirt, your couch, your cat, or anything else that you wouldn't ever want fucking pencil on.

Evolution of Pencils

Believe it or not, pencils are the Microsoft Word of yesteryear!

The original version of Word.

Pencils are a lot like Microsoft products, in that they hardly ever crash and repairs are relatively simple in the event that something breaks (like the tip). If you want to delete what you just wrote, the "backspace" button is at the other end of the pencil, and it looks a lot like the write-y tip, except instead of being sharp, black, and hard, it's round, pink, and soft.

The second generation of pencils is called the "pen" because short names are wicked cool for newer versions of things. By breaking open a pen, you activate the special "WRITE EVERYTHING FUCKING EVER" feature, which releases all of the ink.

Now we have shit like MIcrosoft Word, which basically sucks. You can, however, open up word and write on the screen with a pencil if you can't afford paper. But then again if you can't afford paper, how the hell did you manage to get your hands on $200 software?