Sex

Sex is also known as coitus, porking and putting the hump on someone. Popular sex locations include the bedroom, the beach and mall restrooms.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||navigator

This is how children  learned about sex before the internet

Just The Facts

  1. The first person ever was the result of sex.
  2. Traditionally meant to facilitate reproduction, sex is also popular as a recreational pastime, a business transaction, a marketing ploy, a meditation method and an unfortunate side effect of being a Catholic alter boy.
  3. If sex is done correctly it ends in something called an orgasm. Done incorrectly it ends in herpes.
  4. According to survey data from a condom manufacturer Durex, Americans average 57 minutes of sex per week and about 85 times per year, below the global average of 103 times.

The Act

Sex occurs in nearly all species on Earth except ultra-right wing Republicans and some single-celled organisms, both of which reproduce by consuming large amounts of nutrients before engaging in mitosis.  The basic act consists of the male inserting its reproductive organs into the female.  However, the right orifice needs to be chosen to ensure any kind of success at fertilization.  Human males are notoriously poor at this with penii being thrust every which way and often missing the mark. 

There are many variations on the act of sex, including:

Missionary - This position occurs when you are ashamed of yourself but don't enjoy it.  it is the tradtionally accepted position used by the Amish and is characterized by taking place most often in total darkness, eyes closed with minimal sound.  Grunts of pain and awkward balance are preferred to those of pleasure.

Modified Missionary - Same as above only it's the fun kind of shame and you may have lights on.

Doggy Style - This position is favored by enlightened deviants who aren't too adventurous.  Named after one of several animals known to enjoy the mechanics of how this position works, doggy style involve the woman (or whomever is in the receiving position, aka "being railed") to be on their knees while their partner continually attempts ot push them off the bed from behind.

69 - This position exists so highschool kids can giggle and have something to put after their name in e-mail addresses.  In reality, no one likes 69 as the potential for a pube scraping the cornea is far too high.

Cowgirl - This position is characterized by a man being lazy or drunk.  The woman mounts the man and attempts at pelvic bruising ensue.  This position can be dangerous if errant boob flesh gets some good swinging momentum and makes face contact, potentially resulting in a welt or unconsciousness for either party.

Reverse Cowgirl - Similar to above, only she can't bear to look you in the eye.

Spooning - This position was invented by a randy fellow whose sleeping wife was not aware of what was going on.  When he actually succeeded with no admonition to cut it the fuck out, he told his friends the next day and it became part of history.

Fellatio - This involves convincing a woman to put your wang in her mouth.  In porn this has taken the place of handshakes as a common greeting.  In real life, handshakes may still be necessary. 

Cunnilingus - This resembles a poor attempt at mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on a woman's crotch and, reportedly, is often done wrong if teeth or a snorkel are involved.

Standing - This position is favored by those in a rush who don't want to wrinkle their clothes or caught up in passion.  Must be done carefully as driving your parnter into the drywall is frowned upon in most circles.

Whatever you call it when the dude picks up the woman - This is done solely in porn by men mutated on creatine and Viagra who simply have to pick their partner up and hold them like some kind of fuck pillow.

Anal - This is ass sex.  Sex in the ass.

Media

Because sex is found on the awesomeness scale right between Star Wars and money, it is very popular. Because of this it has a strong media presence and can often be found on television, films, magazines, video games, Church leaflets, tattoos, skywriting, hot air balloons and bus shelters.  In 2007, Sex was in more movies than Samuel L. Jackson and that's a fact.

 

Here are some popular uses of sex to make you pay for shit you don't need.

 

This has something to do with nasal spray.  That's nose fucking.

his has something to do with nasal spray.  That's nose fucking.

 

Gang rape is highly fashionable in some circles

Gang rape is highly fashionable in some circles

 

This is the most terrifying fucking thing ever.

This is the most terrifying fucking thing ever.

 

PSP and sex together looks pretty awesome, however

PSP and sex together looks pretty awesome, however