Aliens The Movie

There are people who claim that the Alien Quadrilogy should be be cut down to include only Alien and Aliens. Witnessing the bloody abortion that was Alien: Resurrection, I have to agree with them.

Scariest alien known to man...other than the malformed pile of crap that was ET.

Absolute badass. Ultimate badass. The duke of badasses. The king...all right, that's enough.

Remake the greatest alien movie in stop motion animation!

Just The Facts

  1. Best. Sci-Fi. Movie. Hands Down.
  2. One of the few sequels in movie history that doesn't suck squirrel ass.
  3. Might be one of those rare sequels that are...*gasp*...better than the original.

From Egg to Alien...and All the Gore In Between

I will not spoil the movie (see fact #4). But we need a bit of introductory information to truly appreciate the subtle nuances of this sequel. See, sequels are like wine. Grapes are all well and good, but smash them together, leave them to ferment, and you have the potential to get a good alcoholic beverage. All it depends on is the time, the quality of the barrel and the feet smashing the grapes, and the knowledge of the vinter.

Jesus Christ: turned water to wine. James Cameron: created a GREAT sequel. Who is the greatest miracle worker?

Now that I'm finished with the wine metaphor, I will say that Aliens will make you drunk on a whiff. Because you're not supposed to sip wine at a wine tasting. That is so new-money. (End of wine metaphor).

Pictured: Nouveau riche

Pictured: Nouveau riche

In the beginning of this movie, Ripley (the ass-kicking heroine that we all know and love) is found floating in the deep abyss of space. She is taken home and stays in a hospital, where she works off her exhaustion, the knowledge that her child is dead of old-age (one of those space-time mindfucks) and her sweat-inducing nightmares that would make Clint Eastwood shit his pants.

Shit lewit that is one scary chicken baby! Oh...yeah, and the chestburster, too.

During a dramatic boardroom meeting, we learn that the planet that Ripley's former crew (RIP first asshole android betrayer) landed on, also known as LV-426, is now inhabited by a colony called Hadley's Hope (oh the irony) and is populated by men, women and children.

"Yes, we have atmosphere generators, a processing station that can explode with the power of a thermonuclear device and a wonderful species of native fauna. All it's missing is a white picket fence!"

It seems as if we are left to a drama movie where Ripley triumphantly overcomes her mental psychosis and redeems herself through learning how to become the best damn cargo-loader there is, when the cliche stooge, Mr. Burke, calls on Ripley with a colonial marine named Lieutentant Gorman, and tells her that they have lost contact with the colony. Holy shit, I smell a premise!

The Ones Who Don't Die...Yet.

Here is a few dirty facts about the characters who don't die within the first hour and a half.


  • See above, balls-to-the-walls ass-kicking abilities. To make her more feminine and rounded, we get to see her maternal side in this movie. So we get to see an ass-kicking mother. Awesome.
  • Only person who seems to know (and care) about what they are going against.
  • Has a strange platosexual (platonic/sexual) relationship with Coporal Hicks.

Child in one hand + large gun in the other = ass-kicking mother.

Cartman Burke

  • Works for Weyland-Yutani Corporation
  • Gets into the role of "asshole android betrayer" for this movie, although he's human. Or is he?
  • Played by Paul Reiser. Yeah, that really tells you what decade this movie was made in.

What can you expect of a character named Cartman?

Lieutenant Gorman

  • Waaaaaaaaaayyyyy too inexperienced for the mission given to him.
  • See bullet #1.
  • Spends about half of movie knocked out.

Wanted: "Leadership that inspires marines under your command and Americans everywhere." ( Pictured: uh..not that.

Private Hudson

  • Technical expert, expert douche.
  • Claims to be a badass...all right, honey, you're a badass.
  • Comedic relief? I think so!

Not seen in the movie: Quiet, dignified courage under the face of horrendous odds.

Coporal Hicks

  • That one guy who is the average Joe, but you want him on your team anyways.
  • Just all around good guy.
  • Might have some latent gay tendencies. See platosexual relationship with Ripley.

Corporal Hicks, an American hero!!! (But not if he's gay.)

Private Vasquez

  • The token minority
  • Stays "frosty"; foil to Private Hudson
  • Low husky voice, short cropped hair...perhaps some stereoid use to gain all that arm muscle?

See the bandana? That screams badass. Or "Blood". Whatever.


  • Need someone to play the innocent, so put a little blonde girl in there!
  • Oh, but make sure that she's original. Give her a crazy name.
  • One more thing: make her eternally dirty, traumatized and deadpan funny.

Big eyes, check. Frightened expression, check. Empty doll head...uh, check.