Women Are Not Bears

The Internet is full of dating advice, but if you don't want your next date to end in a bloody massacre, you NEED to read this! Protect yourself by learning how women are different from bears.

Just The Facts

  1. The similarities between women and bears go beyond the fact that they both love bacon.
  2. There are at least a thousand women in the world and there are probably more than a thousand bears.
  3. If you hope to survive, you need to learn how to recognize bears

Difference #1: Unlike Bears, Women Love to be Surprised!

If you throw a surprise birthday party for a bear, you will most likely not survive.

Bear does not enjoy surprise party

However, most women are very enthusiastic about thoughtful surprises.

An example of when a surprise party is appropriate

Apply Your Knowledge: Sometimes it can be difficult to tell women and bears apart, but don't give up! If you aren't sure, throw it a surprise party and observe its behavior carefully. If it kills you, it is probably a bear. If it doesn't kill you, it might not be a woman, but it is definitely not a bear. You can also take a more direct approach by asking it "Are you a bear?" If it kills you, that means "yes."

Tip: Buy your party supplies at your local dollar store. A bear can take away your life, but it can't take away your savings.

Study Questions:

1. Does it have large, pointy teeth? Yes No

2. Does it smell like musky leaves and dead fish? Yes No

3. Is it brutally attacking you? Yes No

4. When you look into its eyes, do you see the fiery bowels of Hell? Yes No

Difference #2: Stance on Bacon

Women and bears both love bacon!

But women generally only eat cooked bacon, whereas bears eat raw bacon and also other things that are not bacon, like salmon, toadstools and human flesh.

Bears love bacon

Apply Your Knowledge: If you have some extra bacon lying around, why not use it to test whether or not you are dealing with a bear? Simply take a strip of bacon and offer it to the creature. If it eats the bacon and then slaughters you mercilessly, it is likely that you are dealing with a bear.

Tip: Buy organic bacon. A bear can take away your life, but it can't take away your dignity and commitment to excellence.

Study Questions:

5. What does it do when you offer it goat blood? A) It seems enthusiastic about the goat blood B) it recoils from the goat blood C) it goes totally berserk and smashes everything in its immediate vicinity with its huge and deadly paws.

6. If you had to guess, what would you say is its favorite color? A) Pink B) Blood C) Other colors

Difference #3: Women are Not Deranged, Flesh-Hungry Beasts.

But bears are.

Bears are deranged, flesh-hungry monsters!

Apply Your Knowledge: Bloodlust is not a typical motive for the things that women do. Bears, on the other hand, will usually attack just for the thrill of it. They are violent by nature and they must be stopped. Recognizing the bear is the first step on the road to stopping the bear.

Tip: Stay away from bears. A bear can take away your life, but he'll have a much more difficult time doing that if he can't find you.

Study Questions:

7. Is there blood on its fur? A) No blood B) Some blood C) It looks like it just slaughtered a pig

8. What does it do when you offer it candy? A) It takes the candy B) It does not take the candy C) it force-feeds me the candy, then it disembowels me and gluts itself on my candy-filled entrails

9. Is it making a sound? A) No. It is not making a sound B) Yes. It is making a sound like a chainsaw C) I don't know. I'm distracted because it is killing me.

Difference #4: Some Women are Impressed by Moustaches

Bears don't give a shit about your moustache. They want your blood.

The bear doesn't give a shit about your mustache

Apply Your Knowledge: Moustaches are a great way to meet women. However, they are a liability to your face when you are around a bear. Then again, pretty much anything is a liability to your face when you are around a bear. You might as well grow a moustache, then.

Tip: Grow a moustache. A bear can take away your life, but he can't take away your moustache. Wait - yes he can. Actually, it is fairly likely that he will do that.

Study Questions:

10. What does it do when you taunt it? A) It begins to weep B) It claws out my eyes and then stabs me repeatedly with what I can only assume are also its claws but I can't be sure because I no longer have eyes C) Neither A or B are correct

11. Does it enjoy classical music? A) Yes, it seems to enjoy it B) I can't tell C) It seems likely that it does NOT enjoy classical music as it is rending me limb from limb as we speak

12. Take the square root of however many more seconds you expect to be alive. What is your answer?

Study Question Answers

Is it a Bear?

1 - 4: If you answered YES to two or more of these questions, it is probably a bear.

5: A = NOT A BEAR (possibly a wolf or a velociraptor), B = NOT A BEAR, C = BEAR

6: A or C = NOT A BEAR, B = BEAR

7: A = NOT A BEAR , B = NOT A BEAR (probably not a woman either, but maybe), C = BEAR (and it did slaughter a pig! How remarkably perceptive of you!)

8: A = NOT A BEAR, B = STUPID, BUT NOT A BEAR, C = BEAR

9: A = NOT A BEAR, B = QUITE POSSIBLY A BEAR, C = DEFINITELY A BEAR

10: A and C = NOT A BEAR, B = BEAR

11: A and B = NOT A BEAR C = BEAR

12: If your answer was greater than 0, it is NOT A BEAR. If it was a bear, the square root of how many more seconds you would be alive would be zero because the square root of zero is also zero. If your answer was zero, IT IS PROBABLY A BEAR. It could also be a shark, but the question did not specify whether you were swimming in the ocean, so it is safe to assume that you are on land and therefore it is not a shark UNLESS there is some sort of land-capable shark that I am not aware of. Let's all hope that is not the case.

You are now a bear expert! Congratulations!

Give the Gift of Bear Safety: If you feel that any of your loved ones are in danger of encountering a bear, please send them this information. It could save their life.