The Weirdest Cartoons Of The 90's

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Yes, this is the same Punky Brewster as the Soleil Moon Frye version.

Nice undies, Captain Planet.

This is the coveted Yu-Gi-Oh card, in the Yu-Gi-Oh card game, which started a TV show. Excuse me, what?

Just The Facts

  1. The 1990's spawned such lovely cartoons as Gadget Boy's Adventures in History. Seriously.
  2. For every South Park, there's ten more shit cartoons.
  3. With crap like this going on, is it really a surprise that kids now like masturbatory aids featuring sparkling vampires? (Twilight for the slower readers out there)

#4. Punky Brewster

This cartoon was based off the sitcom called Punky Brewster. Now, if you're like me, you're currently wondering how not one but TWO television series were called Punky Brewster. That means twice somebody was like, "Hey, that's a good name for a show." I swear to Zeus TV execs must do more drugs then Michael Jackson and Heath Ledger combined. Anyway, this show featured a magical cat that transported Punky and her dipshit friends into wacky scenarios. That's basically the plot of the whole goddamned show. I wish I could expand. Really I can't though.

#3. Captain Planet

Captain Planet, he's a hero.

Yeah no he's fucking not. He's a blue skinned, green haired, under dressed pedophile who hangs out with kids from different continents. Seriously why the fuck did they all have stupid accents? And how come they could all speak English after living in foreign lands their entire lives? Also, the black guy's name is Kwame? You're telling me that a kid from Africa is named Kwame? You sure he's not from Harlem? If he really was from Africa his name should be Okonkwo or Nwoye or some shit. Not fucking Kwame. And then there's Linka. She's from "Eastern Europe," but she was originally from the Soviet Union, which was changed after the Grand Ole USSR fell. Whoops. And don't even get me started on Ma-Ti. Personally, I would give that gay heart ring back. BUT WAIT! The heart ring allows for mind control. Is that right? Really? Where the fuck does that come from, writing team? Are you fucking serious? Who thought that up? Anyway, this multi-cultural clusterfuck would shout some shit, then GOOO PLANET and out would pop some blue dude that was invincible, except for pollution. What a shitty weakness. Seriously, if he's walking around, and somebody throws there McDonald's wrapper out the window, does he have spasms. Is he fucked? Could I defeat Captain Planet by taking my trash and throwing it out my window?

I must admit, I guess I am nitpicking. The whole show is fucked up. After all, it's based on A REINCARNATION OF GAIA GIVING 5 TEENAGERS MAGIC RINGS TO STOP POLLUTION. Couldn't Mother Earth just run train with some tornadoes or hurricanes? Now, THAT would be a show worth watching.

#2 Yu-Gi-Oh

Yugi Moto is a short nerdy kid. BUT WAIT! His weird, presumably smelly Grandpa has a secret artifact called the Millennium Puzzle! What does that do, you ask? Well, when he is playing Duel Monsters or under extreme stress, a 5,000 year old pharaoh comes out of it and takes control of him. Imagine the conversation Gramps and Yugi had about it?

"Gee thanks Grandpa, you gave me a secret artifact through which I can be possessed by a dead guy!"

"Sure Yugi, anytime. Now take your pants off, Grandpa's feeling a little frisky."

Anyway, after that, the show is basically about a loser kid who can't get any poon tang try to win a card game so he can get some poon tang. The fucking show is based on the fucking card game. Hmm... Here's an idea, why don't you just skip watching the show and PLAY THE ACTUAL GAME. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that the character of Yugi was based on a short Asian guy who was really good at Yu-Gi-Oh but couldn't get any poon. After dropping acid, he thought he was possessed by a pharaoh, and dreamed he was a world famous Yu-Gi-Oh player. Come on, doesn't it all make sense now?

#1 Dragon Ball Z

As weird as any of the other shows on this list are, Dragon Ball Z takes the cake. Seriously, you think this shit isn't weird? If that's the case I have two things to say. First, hit puberty, second, just take a look at some of the shit DBZ throws at us.

1. A species that are exactly the same as humans, (Saiyans) but with tails that transform them into giant monkeys when there's a full moon. (On a side note, which is also fucking weird, these tails were like the Saiyan's balls; you couldn't even grip it lightly without writhing in pain.)

2. Everyone dies. Then comes back. Then dies again. The writers of Dragon Ball Z kept changing the rules of their universe, and while that's their prerogative, it still adds up to a shitty soup of plot lines. Goku is killed after a fight with Raditz, then is brought back with the dragon balls. Then he gets killed again by a heart condition. Then he can come back for one day to fight in a martial arts tournament. Seriously, what the fuck?

3. What about the dragon balls? There's two sets of them, one on Earth, one on Namek. The Earth ones grant one wish, the Namekian ones grant three. Seriously, if I collected all those goddamned things and only got one wish, I'd be pretty pissed. Especially if I knew there were another set that could give me three.

4. And what about space travel? Not only can the Earthlings fly to Planet Namek, Goku has a ship that can increase gravity to 100x that of Earth. Nevermind the fact that his skin would be ripped off his bones, but if Earth's technology is so advanced, why the fuck don't we see anything else? Why aren't there human colonies out in space? Why are there no astronauts? Shit, they act like they live in feudal Japan.

There are literally thousands of weird things like this, but I can't go on, my head is going to explode.