Bad Boys II

Bad Boys II is simultaneously the worst movie ever created and the best movie ever created. It is a distillation of all the excesses of our society into a movie form and I love it.

Just The Facts

  1. This Shit Just Got Real
  2. There is no time at which that is not appropriate to say
  3. Well, except maybe when your grandmother gets cancer
  4. Damn...

Cracked on Bad Boys II

Micheal Bay's tour de force Bad Boys II crams two seperate endings, hundreds of explosions, billions of dollars of property damage, and absolutely countless forms of disrespect for the US Constution into just 147 minutes. "Action packed" does not do it justice; it was straight up action injectioned. It is basically Action concentrate, and if you add 8 parts water to 1 part Bad Boys II you get a regular action movie.

This feat is achieved by sacrificing any semblence of respect for property, plot, human life, and the audience. Critics get their "Cinema is art blah blah" panties all up in a twist about this- rotten tomatoes has it listed at 23%, with the consensus: "Two and a half hours of explosions and witless banter." They fail to see the brilliance. They fail to see how that shit just got real.

So real

This shit is in the process of getting, but has not yet gotten, real

Now, watching the movie you may have wondered, "are narcotics teams really heavily armed paramilitary units?" or "is it legal to seed a man's house with microphones without a warrant while posing as a comically inept exterminator team?" or "wouldn't have basically engaging in a large-scale military assault on Cuba cause an international incident?" or "will the author of this article sleep with me?" Well, the answers are no, no, yes, and depends. How good looking are you?

In any case, as I find myself saying often, "It's only a game/movie/comic book/detailed plan of your murder via skydiving 'accident'! It's not real! Lighten up! Let's go skydiving." The day we demand realism from our movies is the day that movies become heniously boring, because if your reality wasn't boring, why would you go see a movie? When helicopters explode in real life, not only is the fireball much smaller, less orange, and less awesome, but real people have died and you can't feel good about it. When helicopters explode in a movie, it is so awesome.

Ok, not THAT awesome

Now that we have driven out the "physics doesn't work that way" and "why would a shantytown made of corrugated aluminum violently explode when a hummer drives through it" naysayers, let us move into the realm of plot. If you think it made no sense, you would be absolutely right, and you would be absolutely missing the point. For those of you who haven't watched, Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are fast-talking narcotics agents in Miami, whose narcotics team is basically a unit of Navy SEALs with less professionalism and more fast-talking. In between getting into hijinks with the KKK and ogling Lawrence's hot sister who, by the by, is played by Gabrielle Union and who completes the Michael bay trinity of explosions and boobs (yes it is a trinity: explosions, righty and lefty) with great aplomb. Anyway, at some point all of the shooting and yelling while shooting and driving while shooting and cars exploning (while shooting) leads to them cracking an ecstasy smuggling ring.

Because the Bad Guy uses Lawyers (scary things we don't understand and that use lies to stop justice (read: explosions)), Our Heroes can't play by any of the rules.. No, not even the Constitution. No, not even international Law. No, not even basic human decency. Oh yes they basically declare war on Cuba. Hell no they don't need warrants. They'll be damned if they have any qualms about driving (while shooting) around Miami with a morgue truck, spewing corpses everywhere. Shit yes are they going to steal a car Dan Marino is being clumsily cameoed in (man, the movie really dates itself right there, huh).

Man that shit got real like 10 minutes ago what the hell man

In conclusion, this movie is the absolute epitome of what I want to see when I go to a theatre. I was with them every step of the way, every bullet, every wrecked car. Right when I thought it was going to end, That Shit Got Real and all of my hopes and dreams were fulfilled. At that same point, my friend said she had 'entered an interminable hell' and 'wanted to die.' Some people just can't get Art.