Why Other Countries Hate Us: Chicken In A Can

I made a disturbing discovery some nights ago. Aparrently they have been killing innocent Chickens, cooking them in a half-assed manner, then stuffing them into cans for human consumption. Thats right America, we now have Chicken in a can.

What have we done?! - President of Sweet Sue

Just The Facts

  1. Contains one whole Chicken
  2. Doesn't contain giblets
  3. About $6.50 a can
  4. Its origins are shrouded in mystery
  5. It comes fully cooked

Lets see what we're dealing with

Personally, I'm quite fond of animals. I've owned many pets over the years, and plan on owning many more. Thats not to say I don't enjoy biting into the sweet succulent flesh of a once living and breathing creature more than often. Still, your not going to see me run out into the middle of a field half naked with a sword, and snuff out the first cow I see (that is, if grocery stores still exist when the thought pops into my head). No, I show care and respect towards the feelings of all of God's creatures, whether I keep them as pets, or keep them in my stomache for a few days. I believe if your going to kill an animal, at least make sure its death doesn't go in vain. Make it into a good meal to be enjoyed by all; or at least a hardworking, underappreciated husband.

Somebody get this man a burger, stat!

Somebody get this man a burger, Stat!

Unfortunatley, this doesn't happen as often as one would hope. A few nights ago I was introduced to the concept of a whole chicken sealed inside a can. As you can see from the label, the outside looks harmless enough. As a matter of fact, thats a damn fine looking chicken! Judging from the exaggerations you see on fast food commercials and other similar advertisements though, its safe to assume thats not what you are going to get. Lets take a look and find out shall we? Just for the sake of disgusting everyone, I've also included pictures of women giving birth to further demonstrate the "Canned Chicken opening Process".

Here we go!

Now, first things first, lets get this pesky top off...

"Kill me..."

Yummy! As you can see, the Chicken pictured above is much different from the juicy, edible, brown Chicken shown on the label. You know what, I could be wrong though. I mean, that is only a part of the Chicken. Maybe the rest is cooked better and its just covered by that thick yellowish goop. We Just need to wriggle that thing out of there...

"Ok, take deep breaths"

"We're doing good so far!"

"Go on! Push push!!"

"Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push!!"

"Its a boy!"

Don't burn your monitors just yet folks! Theres cooking instructions on the back...

Lets see, perhaps we need to cook it more. I'm sure they put "fully cooked" on the can accidentally. First we need to preheat the oven to 475 degrees, then we leave it in there for 15 minutes. That sounds simple enough. Wadya know, theres even other excellent uses for this Chicken product. We have creamed Chicken and mushrooms, Chicken ala king fricassee, or you could just serve cold as Chicken comes from can. Did I read that correctly? I do beleive it just suggested that you take the very chicken shown in the previous images, do absolutley nothing to it; yes, leave it absolutely unscathed, then get a fork, and proceed to put it in your mouth. I think someone was particularly pissed off with Sweet Sue before this product was released, and wrote that on the can hoping to get them sued from all of the people who would dare be foolish enough to slip that slimy chicken into their mouths without so much as putting it in the microwave for a few seconds.

Why I... *Ding!* Oh, Its ready...

Bon apetite!

Well, there you have it, one wasted Chicken. That could've been stuffed and basted with Teryaki sauce. Better yet, it could've been a happy Chicken frolicking to and from all of the henhouses, pecking stuff, running away from foxes, and other fun Chicken activities. Instead, according to the people who took these pictures (Hey, I'm not paying $6.50 for something I'm not going to eat), it will find its resting place in the gullets of the neighborhood cats.

Despite the loss of what could've been a happy Chicken, I'm the kind of guy who likes to look at the glass as half full. I mean, Chickens aren't the smartest animals, it probably didn't even know what happened the moment it got it's head lobbed off and stuffed in a can full of its own Juices. At least it wasn't something bigger, with more feeling and a larger brain capacity. Like a cow. I mean whats next? Cheeseburger in a can? Hah!

Wait, what? Son of a...