Your Conscience

It's that little voice that chimes in every once in a while to ruin your plans. *Sigh*

"Ok wait...her and her I get, but who are YOU supposed to be?"

Just The Facts

  1. Inevitably, at some point we all must decide between what we know is right, and what could be incredibly awesome.
  2. Life is short, so you should choose the latter option at least once, provided that it doesn't make your life even shorter.
  3. For example: mom might've told you not to jump off the roof while holding that big, airspeed-reducing umbrella, but hey, sometimes the ratio of danger to potential awesome is just too enticing.
  4. Let's break it down entymologically: conscience = con + science. In other words, your conscience is totally unscientific, so get back out there and cause some trouble, champ!

The Conscience Conundrum

Regardless of the relativity of our individual definitions of right and wrong, most decent people (Cracked staff and readers excluded) still tend to agree on the big stuff. Dating your best friend's girl after they just broke up, and not telling him about it? Probably not cool. Clubbing baby seals? Also not cool (unless they were just really asking for it). However, it's the little things that comprise the vast majority of "conscience" moments, and they occur during day-to-day activities. Consider the following scenario:

Totally just found like $20 on the table next to mine...

You: Sweet, just got a free lunch! And they said it couldn't be done...

Your Conscience: Wait a sec, some cash-strapped waiter probably needs this more than me.

You: Damn you conscience! Who leaves a twenty-dollar tip? This was obviously some mistake, and I'm about to correct it.

Your Conscience: No! What about the possibility of ninjas* lurking in the shadows, waiting for some unsuspecting evil-doer to take the bait? This is a Japanese place you know...

You: Ninjas? You're crazy.

Your Conscience: You mean we're crazy.

You: Touche.

Your Conscience: So what's it gonna be?

You: A free lunch, or death by the cold steel of vengeful ninjas. I...I choose the ninjas!

Your Conscience: What!?

You: Yeah, awesome! When we look back on our lives, wouldn't you rather say "I pissed off a clan of Shinobi" than "I didn't spend anything for that tuna roll that one time"?

Your Conscience: I think you're missing the point.

You: I'm going for it...see, there's nobody -- AARR-awe-GHHG-some-GHGGH!

*Side note: ever have a moral quandry? WWND?

People Who Should Never Suddenly Develop One

Most people who listen to their conscience, or at least are aware of its existence, can deal with a little remorse every now and then. But there are some people who, should they ever wake from the ethical coma they currently exist in, would explode from the sheer force of their repressed compassion, threatening time and space itself. And so we present to you, dear Cracked reader, in no particlar order, people who should never ever realize what they're doing.

"Yes, look into my eyes...NOW GO BUY THIS--BWAHAHAHA!"

Steve Jobs is on this list because of the shameless way Apple exploits our weakness for shiny things. Should he ever wake up one day to realize his callous manipulation of the zombie-like hordes of Apple fans around the globe--wait, wait, that's not going to happen. Besides, remember back when the iPhone was like $600, and people stood in line for days just to be the first to get one, and then like two weeks later the price dropped by like $400? Yeah, screw you Steve. Screw you.

"It's this or nothing, so @!*# you."

Ah, Mr. Gates. We all know the frustration of having to use Windows AnythingTM , and the inevitable love-hate relationship we develop with our PC's. The problem is, the powers-that-be know that we basically have no choice, because I mean, we're not switching to those other jerks with their fancy chrome-tipped sleek no-crashing machines, are we? I mean come on, we can't be bothered to learn a whole new operating system, despite already knowing about 80% of it by virtue of the fact that it's just another computer, can we? "No", we replied, as we begrudgingly turned back to our monitors, where that veggie-philia page we opened half an hour ago still won't close.

"I rule you!"

This is the dude that owns the company that owns Fox News. That alone would be enough to get you on this list, but oh, it doesn't stop there. Rupert Murdoch has gotten his hands on enough media outlets to be spooning out his brand of conservatism to much of the news-watching world. Call me biased, but when you're on video during a live interview saying that you consciously try to influence people's opinions by filling the news with your own (see links), thereby destroying the very essence of the journalistic endevours you claim to be interested in? You sir, demonstrate a conspicuous lack of all things consciency.

And finally...

"Wait, what am--WHAT AM I DOING!?"

If there was anyone on this list who's very sanity necessitated the lack of a conscience, it's the Dick. Let me get this out of the way: there weren't any dictators or serial killers on this list because they represent a whole new dimension of repressed personal issues. No, dear Cracked reader, the people on this list have no excuse: no growing up in an impoverished country, and no traumatic childhood. In addition to epitomizing the shadowy background political figure, Cheney was actually the POTUS (that sounds more Dick-related) twice, while Bush (definitely Dick-related) was undergoing medical procedures that required him to be put under. Oh, and he shot some dude in the face. Accident?