Metal Gear

Metal Gear is one of the biggest videogame franchises at the time. Created by Kojima, it's games have been released mostly for Sony consoles, but there's also versions for Nintendo and Microsoft ones (and there's even a game for the iPhone).

Metal Gear? Again?! Who would have thought!

Cracked scientists spent 2 years on this research.

Just The Facts

  1. Metal Gear is a series of videogames where the focus is on stealth-based gameplay.
  2. Like with any game based on stealth, you must fight giant robots armed with nuclear weapons.
  3. Metal Gear is famous for it's ridicously long cutscenes.
  4. It is also famous because of the crazy conspiracies that are the base for it's storyline.

Main Characters

Solid Snake

Those eyes pierce into our souls and hearts

Women love him. Men either want to be like him or also love him (sometimes both). He's Metal Gear's main character, created to become one of the world's greatest soldiers, Snake was a member of the Spec Ops team "Foxhound" during Metal Gear, the game in which he faces the mecha for the first time. After this he retired, but since the U. S. armed forces apparently have no respect towards veterans, he was forced to return to active duty in Metal Gear 2: Gear Harder and Metal Gear Solid. He becomes a freelance asskicker in Metal Gear Solid 2 and becomes senile in Metal Gear Solid 4. His powers include tapping on walls, crawling around in a box and completely forgetting the meaning of "covert operative" after we acquired the FAMAS. He also appears in Super Smash Brothers Brawl for the Wii, and is the only character we ever choose.




He looks like the bad kind of lesbian

He looks like the bad kind of lesbian

Snake's lover, Otacon is the kind of guy that, when faced with pants-wetting dangers (such as a special-ops member fighting a crazed cyborg) will state "this is like one of my japanese animes!" Otacon is the designer of a model of Metal Gear, which seems weird until you realize his backstory is so full of fucked-upness (such as having sex with his step-mother, having a father that helped create the atomic bomb and liking anime) that you need to wonder why he didn't create some mean to destroy the world sooner.

Revolver Ocelot

Are mustaches the universal sign of treason?

The biggest conspirator since Bismarck, if you're on Ocelot's side chances are he's about to backstab you, only to gain your enemies' trust to backstab him in some convulted plot to backstab a third-party. Even though he's Russian (or is he?) he has a fixation with cowboys and is so good with handguns that he can shoot his own foot and still hit you. His hobbies include treason, juggling revolvers, torture and being possesed by an arm (or is he?)

Liquid Snake



Snake's twin brother with an inferiority complex the size of Texas. He was raised to believe that in the cloning process that gave birth to Les Enfants Terribles (that's french for "Badass Motherfuckers") Solid was given the superior genes while he got only the recesive ones (Mendel be damned). The only obvious solution to this was highjacking a nuclear walking tank of death (codenamed Rex because no part of this project was allowed to be not cool) and holding the world hostage. This fails when Snake obliterates his team of super-powered maniacs and then proceeds to kill him in at least three different ways. And if you think that's bad, it's because you still haven't heard his British accent.


Keep trying, Solidus. We still don't care.

Snake's other brother. He was president of the U.S. but no one gives a damn about him anyway.


Pictured: Kojima's mind fart

Pictured: Kojima's mind-fart

The living proof that a bad idea can be turned into a good one if you just apply swords to it, he was the girly protagonist of Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty, much to the disdain of fans. He was hated by pretty much everyone, until he reappeared in Metal Gear Solid 4 turned into a mechanical killing machine that could cut entire armies in half even after having his arms removed. Once again, the law of "ninjas are cool", with the corollary of "armless ninjas are even cooler" gets proven as right.

Big Boss

That white light isn't the sunset, but probably a nuclear explosion

Also known as The Best Soldier of the 20th Century, other known aliases include "Naked Snake", "The Badass Mayor of Badass Town" and "Jack". His first chronological appearance is in Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, a game in which he proceeds to defeat his mentor (the previous biggest soldier the world had ever seen), make both a lady and Revolver Ocelot fall madly in love with him, get his crotch grabbed by the human Pikachu and conquer communism. He re-appears in Portable Ops, a game in which he founds FoxHound, the special ops team Snake is later a member of. He then commands this group until he decides that only a team of super-powered mega soldiers is too boring for him and tries to create a country full of them. He gets killed by Snake twice (or does he?)