How To Annoy Twilight Fans

Ah, Twilight fans...everything about a teenage girl that we all know and hate seems to be magnified by like a kajillion in these girls. So let's piss them off. Here's how...

I'll never have a real boyfriend

Just The Facts

  1. Twilight fans are extremely obnoxious teenage girls who would sell their souls to the devil for a chance at romance with a fictional character.
  2. Originally, the author didn't know that her book would be read by teens which means she probably wrote some pretty nasty stuff in the sequel before she had to change it.
  3. Some older women are also hard-core fans of Twilight, meaning...they're either very lonely or just plain fucking weird.

#1 Conveniently Keep Forgetting Edward's Name

For some reason, probably because they're in love with him, Twilight fans seem to get offended when you can't remember Edgar's name. So, to annoy them just keep getting Eric's name wrong. A typical conversation with a Twilight fan might go something like this:

Twilight Fan: Hey! Did you see Twilight?

You: (Yes or no depending on whether you saw it or not) I thought Edmund was pretty sucky, so (you either thought the movie was terrible or he's the reason why you didn't see it. And yes, you did throw in a vampire pun).

Twilight Fan: It's Edward. But hey, why didn't you like him? I think he's like the most awesomely perfect guy ever.

You: (Sounding very uninterested) Yeah, well I just thought Earnest looked/was kinda girly...

Twilight Fan: I thought Edward was great. He's so complex.

You: Whatever, Elmer just sucked. End of story.

Then walk away because no normal person can talk to a Twilight fan for that long without throwing up a little in their mouths, and plus that bitch is about to gouge your eyes out with the heel of her shoe.

#2 Insist That Edward is a Woman

To Twilight fans, Edward is the greatest man that has ever not existed. So, to call him womanly would be offensive to even the toughest fan. If you insist he's a woman for long enough there's a good chance you'll see tears.

Pictured above: Twilight's toughest fans before being told Edward is a woman

How can you back up your argument? In the movie, Edward is quite obviously wearing lipstick. There's really no way you can watch the movie without noticing.

Or, if you don't even want to talk to any dumb fans just wear this:

This should annoy the FUCK out of them

#3 Call Jacob a Pedophile

Not all of the Twilight fans are totally in love with Edward. There is another fictional boy who will never ever exist in real life. This character is Jacob. In the fourth book, Breaking Dawn, Jacob falls in love with Edward and Bella's baby. Of course, so Stephanie Meyer wouldn't be called a crazy bitch, she gave Jacob a perfectly reasonable explanation for falling in love with an infant. Werewolves are able to find their life-long partner through something called "imprinting". Basically, it's love at first sight except it's on a much deeper level.

Sorry girls, Jacob loves babies

This is a sure way to piss off any freshly-pubescent fan because it will force them to question Jacob's true motives. Does he want to have sex with Bella's baby, or does he just want...what the fuck would he want with a baby? And if there's one thing Twilight fans don't like, it's questioning Twilight. And it's even worse for them because there's really no way they can argue against you. The only thing they could say is: "He's not a pedophile, he's just in love with a baby."

...So, he's a pedophile.