Eclipse (Twilight Saga)

Sparkling vampires and paedophilic werewolves. 'Nuff said.

Woo.

Just The Facts

  1. It's more popular than Jesus.
  2. It's average fans are 12 year old girls and 30-something obese divorced women.
  3. It makes Stoker roll in his grave.

T3h Story

Before I begin, I will tell you that I have read the books, and so I am at liberty to give this information.

Well, where to begin. Eclipse is the third installment of the Twilight Saga, a poor excuse of a vampire novel written by and for sad, lonely girls/women as a distraction to the fact that they will die alone. It is also known as "My Favourite Wet Dream - By Stephanie Meyer".

Eclipse begins in Forks, Washington, the home of Bella Swann and Edward Cullen. We are lucky enough to be plunged into the hardcore action of COLLEGE APPLICATIONS!!!!, with Edward trying to force Bella to go the Dartmouth while she wants to bugger off to some place in Alaska or somewhere else that no one cares about. Meanwhile, the town is being plagued by a bunch of seemingly random murders. Edward, being the drama queen that he is, immediately jumps to the conclusion that it's vampires, because there can't be ONE FREAKIN' MOMENT in this book where it is not focussing on him. Anyway, Bella's bitching and whining about wanting to keep in touch with her major furry BFF Jacob Black, who's a werewolf, except we find out in the next book that he's not really a werewolf he's actually a shape-shifter or some shit, I dunno. He fancies her and wants to sleep with her, which really doesn't help his image of a 'best friend'. At this point, Bella's only priorities are to get laid by Edward, which is kind of a kick in the balls for wolfy, especially after the events in New Moon, but Edward, buying time to think of a good way to come out of the closet, says that he wont until marriage, which I hate him for because it gives Bella another reason to bitch, and to turn into a vampire herself.

Anyway, it turns out that Edward was actually right about the killings being vampires and the Cullen family find out that it is an army of 'new-borns' bred by Victoria, this kinda-hot redhead vampire that wants to kill Bella in revenge for Edward killing her boyfriend. She's been quite a threat in the past two books, but for some reason Edward and the Cullens have yet to try to actually do anything about it, probably because they're as fed up with Bella's whining as I was at this point. The werewolves, for no apparent reason, decide that they should help out in defending Bella, leading to lots of awkward scenes between Edward and Jacob, because if there wasn't any awkward teenage problems in this series, well, there wouldn't really be anything.

During this book, we actually get to hear the stories of two of the only interesting characters in the Saga; Rosalie (Edward's super-bitch sister) and Jasper (Edward's pimp of a brother. I like him because he's the reason Edward fucked off throughout the whole second book.) We learn that Rosalie got smacked or something by her fiance, then went on some sort of vampire vendetta once she gets turned by Carlisle, the Cullen family patriarch. It was pretty cool. Jasper is recalling his history in the South, where he was a soldier but got bitten by this bitch for looking too good or something. He went on to raise an army of these new-born things but ended up saving one of them, which is what inspired him to go 'good', or as a good as the hench-man of Satan can be. It was cool.

As the showdown approaches, Jasper teaches the wolves and other vampires the best ways to take down the new-borns, which, to me, sounded like a grown man punching a baby in the face. Repeatedly. After this, everyone sets up for the massive awesome fight. Except for Edward, Bella and Jacob, who go and camp up in the mountains. So Bella wont get hurt, of course, not because Stephanie Meyer is too spastic to write a good fight scene... Anyway, Jacob throws a bitch fit because he hears about Edward and Bella's engagement, and so, being the big, mature guy that he is, threatens to kill himself if Bella doesn't tongue him. Frenching ensues, leaving Bella realising that, OH NOEZ!, she loves both Jacob and Edward. Bella, being the indecisive spaz that she is, cant make up her mind, and so just kind of hovers between the two. Also, during the fight that we don't get to see, Victoria smells Bella's scent and rushes up to find her. It is here that we realise just why Meyer never writes fight scenes. Edward 'fights' and kills Victoria, being the misogynistic bastard that he is (I'll give more on that later...) and Bella breaks Jacob's heart AGAIN by choosing Edward over him, because Jacob is just too nice for her and she likes her men abusive.

Everyone meets up, when out of nowhere a new-born pops up and Jacob jumps in front of it. Jacob's body gets all messed up, so Carlisle has to fix him up good. I would go into this more, but I lost interest approximately 5 pages into the book and so I cant remember all of the details. Basically, everyone lives happily ever after (until Breaking Dawn), apart from Jacob, who, after being fixed, throws the biggest fucking strop ever and runs half-way to Canada. THE. END.

Characters

Bella Swann - The dullest, whiniest bitch you'll ever read about. There is never a time where she is not complaining about something. The reason that she is so plain is so any girl in the world can put themselves in her shoes; she is a blank canvas, the reader is the paint. She likes to emotionally torture anybody that shows a romantic interest in her, except for Edward, from whom she takes every form of physical, emotional and mental abuse before saying "Thank you sir, may I have another?" Bella Swann means "Beautiful Swan", which you may see as sweet, until you realise that she is based on the author. Then you realise it's very sad indeed.

Edward Cullen - The supposedly vampire boyfriend (well, he believes it) and professional bitch, he is misogynistic, sadistic and loves to see how far he can push Bella before she jumps off a cliff. He shares no common traits with other vampires, except for drinking blood, but he only drinks animal blood because he's such a pussy. He has the ability to read minds, but he cant read Bella's because she's retarded. Also, he sparkles in sunlight instead of bursting into flames. As in, sparkles like glitter. I know, I didn't believe it at first either.

Jacob Black - The werewolf/shape shifter BFF of Bella that really wants to bone her, Jacob puts up with a lot of shit. Before Bella broke his heart, he was pretty cool. His only reasons to be alive, in the films, at least, are to get laid with Kristen Stewart, maim Edward Cullen and eat his own body weight in food, making him the only character in this shit-fest that I can relate to. After she gets through with him, however, he becomes as emo and whiny as everyone else. The actor took anabolic steroids in order to beef up or the role in New Moon. Fan girls say, "it's just because he ate a lot", but look up a picture of him in Twilight and New Moon on Google Images, and you'll see that I'm right...

"Setroids? Moi?"

Charlie Swann - Bella's dad, the chief of the Forks Police. He has a moustache to put Tom Selleck's to shame, making me Team Charlie.

Carlisle Cullen - The 'dad' of the Cullen collection, he's a doctor and all-round good guy. I wish they explained his story better, as it would be far more interesting that the main plot. He's the only one that can really be around blood without getting a hard-on, making him either the strongest or the wussiest, depending on how you look at it.

Esme Cullen - Has no reason at all to be alive. She is barely mentioned.

Alice Cullen - Played in the films by the unbelievably hot Ashley Greene, Alice is the nice sister. She can see into the future, which is the reason that Edward doesn't kill himself in New Moon, making her my most hated character.

Jasper Cullen - The biggest emo, he thinks he has a reason to whine because of his 'dark' past. It's not really that dark, it's just the history that you'd expect a vampire to have. I like him because it was his outbreak in New Moon that cause Edward to break Bella's heart, providing me with many a lol.

Emmett Cullen - The Jock/asshole brother, he is cocky and built like a brick shit-house. Despite this, he is the weakest fighter of the family, making him just as useless as Esme. He comes in more after Edward and Bella pop the cherry, by making subtle hilarious hints that Edward can't pleasure his woman. By hilarious, I mean pointless and not funny in the slightest.

Rosalie Cullen - Superbitch herself, She got beaten half to death by her (now ex) fiance. That's really it. She hates Bella because she is apparently jealous that she could seduce Edward. Seems that vampires all want to seduce their siblings now. Fuck you, Meyer.

The Werewolves/Shapeshiters - A bunch of faggots that run about in the woods topless. I was noticeably uncomfortable in the cinema, and I'm a guy who's sat through 300.

Victoria - A red-head vampire that first appeared in Twilight, she wants revenge for Edward killing her boyfriend, James, in the form of murdering Bella. Needless to say, I like her. When you think about it, you realise that she doesn't really deserve to be the bad guy. James was killed for trying to eat Bella, which is like killing a bird for wanting to fly, and face it, if somebody mutilated and killed the love of your life because he wanted to practise that annoying habit of EATING, wouldn't you want to exact your revenge?

Reception

As I said before, these books are more popular than Jesus. It sold 150, 000 within the first 24 hours of release, making it popular, but no Halo 3. It's fans are separated into two groups;

FAIL: "I love Twilight"

MEGAFAIL: "I loved Twilight before it was cool"

Basically, it doesn't matter what I think. I could blame the Holocaust on this book and it wouldn't hinder it's sales, so my advice is this: If you have good taste in literature, shut up to avoid having a fangirl slit your throat with an autographed photo of Robert Pattinson.

Movie

Well, at time of writing it's the September after it's release. I know, I should've seen it. But I didn't, partly because of the fact it likely sucked, but mainly because I feared for my life. The rumours are true: A man died while viewing this horrible film. Meaning that Eclispse is one of the most dangerous things on Earth. GTA makes kids kill, you claim? Eminem makes people rape others?

Eclipse stops you from fucking living.

Lessons

There are plenty of lessons to learn throughout the Twilight series, such as, if you are a woman, it is alright to tag along genuinely nice guys until your abusive boyfriend comes back, and, if you are a boy, don't be afraid to throw every type of torture at your girl, it will make her love you more.

But the two most important lessons in Eclipse are:

1 - If you are a girl, boys are disposable. Even if you have a questionably 'stable' relationship with your current lover, keep on flirting with other guys before breaking them. If you really want fun, help bring your best friend back from the brink of insanity after breaking his heart earlier, then do it again.

2 - If you are a guy, and the girl you like doesn't repay your affection, then threaten to kill yourself. That'll work a treat.