Santa

Santa is everyone's favorite serial intruder who entices children to come sit on his lap and "gives them what they want". Erm. Yeah...

Just The Facts

  1. The famous Medicare-patient goes by many names: Kris Kringle, Jolly St. Nicholas, Santa Claus, Father Christmas, "Wanted for arson", etc
  2. Santa works a one-day a year job in which he brings joy to children worldwide
  3. How does your job compare?
  4. Despite his world-famous obesity problem, Santa still manages to somehow shove himself down a million chimneys in under 24 hours

Cracked on Santa

SANTA! The iconic figure in Western culture that embodies the spirit of Christmas, goodwill, and jolliness. And how does such a beloved character promote these pious values? Oh right, he lures small children to sit uncomfortably close to his... belt, shouts out "HO, HO, HO", invades the homes of millions while they are asleep and runs a privately-owned sweatshop in the grueling tundra. Classic!

Pervert.

The mythos scientifically-proven existence surrounding Santa is directly tied to Christmas, the one birthday where everybody gets gifts for themselves instead of the birthday boy. Tradition says that on the other 364 non-Christmas days of the year, Santa is boarded up in his house at the North Pole, observing the actions of every single person alive and judging if they are "naughty" or "nice". He formats this into a Cracked - approved list and uses it to determine how much presents to give people. "Nice" people get all the good toys, while "naughty" people receive a lump of coal, usually followed by the jamming of it up their asses. Sounds like an easy job, but upon some slight investigation, we at Cracked have deemed Santa's job a hell of a lot harder than he gets credit for. Case in point:

Naughty? Or Niiiiiiiiice?

Another classic hallmark of Santa's character is his whimsical sleigh, pulled along by 9 flying reindeer. The reindeer are Rudolf, Prancy, Homo, Nixon, Bonner, Flaky, Crampser, Juggy, and Doucher. Legend has it that he won his team of reindeer in a crooked poker game. Back then, however, there was nothing magical about these reindeer. That is, until Santa fed them each two teaspoons of By law, we are prohibited from naming this drug. Then they turned magical! Nothing suspicious about this at all!