Sleeping At Work

Mixing sleep with work can be a sloppy, stressful and difficult task but with a little preparation and risk taking you can have the two working together smoothly like kids over-medicated on Ritalin.

Working and Sleeping got sexy together one weekday and had a baby. They named it "Your Happiness".

Just The Facts

You are not getting enough sleep at night.
You hate your job.

Why Sleep at Work?

If you really have to ask this question, then you must be one of those people that writes "I have the best job in the world " on their dating profile, dots their "I"s with hearts and has yet to succumb to work induced alcoholism. Congratulations, you're bachelor's degree paid off.

Unfortunately the rest of us can't stand our jobs and would hate to waste our freedom hours sleeping it away. So we cut into our sleeping time by working at a second job to pay for our leased Porsche or spend late nights forging documents and credit reports to lead our double lives.

Sleeping at work not only flips the bird at two things on your to-do list at once but it also allows you more time to go home, sit on a couch and stare at a glowing, noisy box for a few hours, unlike the silent, glowing box you sit in front of at work.

If you're going to sleep, why not get paid to do it?

Things to Consider

Since you are not at home, you won't have your bed or your kitchen floor to lay your head to rest. You will have to adapt to your work environment and seek out the best location to suit your sleeping needs. This may not always be the case though. Sometimes ( because you're tired as hell) the location chooses you. To increase the effectiveness of your sleep-at-work program, you must consider the following things:

Cover -The way you scout for potential girlfriends from bushes, you do not want to be seen sleeping. Being barely visible is keen. Be aware of what kind of cover is provided by your surrounding environment (walls, computer monitors ) and what you must provide for yourself (folding fans, smoke grenades). It's essential that no one ever sees your eyes or your gaping, drooling mouth. In the case that you are a snorer consider wearing snorkel gear or a ball gag.

Duration- How long do you plan on being passed out for?

Are you:

Resting your eyes- About a minute
Power napping- Few minutes
Dozing off- 10+ Minutes
In a coma- Days to years

If the time is short enough, you can do it standing, walking or driving. But if you want coffin type rest, you're going to have to be smart. Will your boss notice if you are missing? How long can you be unseen before someone cries foul? Do you have "work" to do? Of course you don't.

Repercussions - Understand the risks. What will be the punishment for your (lack of) activity? Getting caught snoozing in front of your computer is not as bad as being found like a corpse in the hallway. Choose your sleeping method wisely.

Where to Go?

A true sleep soldier is always prepared. Do you homework. Know the layout of the land. Study patterns of foot traffic within the vicinity. Find out who is most likely to make a fuss over your napping and ~~eliminate them~~ keep an eye out for them.

Desk/Cubicle - You obviously want to position yourself so no one can see your eyes. Unless you're a professional poker player and can wear hats and dark glasses to work, use your hands to keep your shut eyes out of view. This doesn't mean you should dump your head onto your desk. Rest you head in your palm while leaving your freehand on the mouse or keyboard. Switch hit and change your mouse setup up from a rightie to a leftie. No will notice ~~cares~~.You may also want to try blocking your eyes with the back of your head.

Bathroom Stall - This spot has great "low visibility". You're covered on all sides and no one except for the office pervert can see what you or doing. You just have to sit on the toilet, set your cellphone alarm to vibrate and enjoy your nap.

This is a bathroom so don't forget that you may be sleeping within the mist of another person's stink. For this reason avoid going after lunch. Also if you see someone walk out quickly looking guilty, it's best to stay clear. Chances are it smells like death in there.

Rest your head against the stall or toilet paper rack. You may get lucky and land a handicapped stall with a hand rail. You may want to wipe that down as to not get some cripple person disease. Make sure to drop your trousers to maintain the illusion that you are making a bowel movement. About the stink thing, as soon as you hear feet shuffling in the stall next to you, scramble.

Supply Closet/Storage Room - You always need more pens and post-it-notes to make minaature flip books. Fortunately they happen to be behind a closed door. If you have more than enough supplies at you desk, then lose some (in the trash). Or try looking for an item that's sure to not be there, like crowquill pens or iPods. Scavenge for your item at the lowest shelf in the furthest corner of the room. Learn to sleep while squating down and rummaging through boxes.

Chances are you'll meet a fellow sleep deprived employee taking refugee near cartons of highlighters. Make friends quickly and divvy shifts to watch for intruders. Brainstorm and work on alibis together. If alone, setup boxes against the door as a crude alarm system.

Meeting/Conference Room- Stay on top of your sleep game by treating the situation like a gunman walked into the room. Become a small target and hide behind someone else, preferable taller and wider for cover. Pick a seat at the far end of the table away from your boss. When your boss, the gunman, starts blasting away, lean back in your chair far enough and out of their line of sight for the co-worker at your side to take the hits for you. In a real shooting you may also want to push them towards the gunman as a sacrificial diversion.

If the table is a circle, try "tying your shoes" for a couple of minutes. Those minutes spent under the table provide the perfect unseen cover for you to sleep. This is also a great place to be if some idiot with an assault rifle stops in to say hello.

Boss's Office- You're an adult and all this talk of "inapporiate online activity" s boring. You wouldn't take this type of talk from your parents so why should you have to listen to this dictator? Time to establish dominance. Fall asleep in their office with them in it. Doing it after hours is passive and wasteful behavior.

In this type of situation you must wait or create the right opportunity. Sit in a "Thinkers" position. Wait for them to question you about missing office supplies and then "Think". Get lost in thought. Cover you face and "think" the shit out of this question. Pass out for a bit then wake up, dramatically stating your answer. They'll be surprised by your passion. You may also want to try napping while leaning in the doorway and smoking a cigarette.

Ceiling - Between army crawling above different departments and listening in for any gossip about you and the 200 gigs of data that "vanished" off one of the servers, nest in a bed of dust and asbestoes. No one will ever catch you or ever believe that you are up there. Should you be noisy enough to draw attention to yourself, make squirrel or beetle noises to throw off suspicion.

Look out for exposed communication or power lines. You don't want to disrupt these, escpecially in the case that a 911 call has to be made because you got stuck. Be cautious of weak ceiling tiles. You don't want to make any special surprise appearances from above.

You've Been Caught!

The problem with sleeping at work, like the problem with dating or relationships in general, is that people sometimes talk to you. If you're lucky, it'll be some cat lady that finds meaningful conversation talking to paintings and will gladly accept your physical presence as proof that you're listening. Otherwise anyone with a sembelance of a brain will know something is up when they come to ask you if you left that Batman: Arkham Asylum walk-through print out on the copier but instead find you taking an extended blink with your chin buried in your chest.

Recovery - It just so happens that some one walks in on your nap but never states that they are aware of your state of unconsciousness. Make sure beyond a reasonable doubt that that they never do. Convince them that all along you've been the conscious little office monkey the company has been paying you to be.

Whatever you were doing (sleeping), now do the total opposite. Speak loud and quickly. You can even say (in a mock British accent) "Business as usual", repeatedly, while bowing your head and rolling your hand slightly.

Do the most awakeningly awake things you can think of. Do a math problem out loud. Talk off hand about ANYTHING (whatever is immediately in front of you) to demonstrate that you're ~~alive~~ alert. Make large, wide "awake" movements with your arms and eyes. Grab your mouse and start clicking all over the screen. Start shuffling through papers, drinking liquids and finger banging your keyboard. Do it teeth-grindingly fast. You've got only seconds to change their opinon and your reputation is on the line.

Excuses - Now your accuser, this so called, self-appointed sleep specialist, calls you're bluff. DO NOT admit your transgression. Instead start dropping excuses like LA cops treat celebrity DUI's.

Shoot for sympathy. Tell them your sick or pregnant ~~careless~~. Say you're on anti-depressants or you that you see dead people or both. They'll either feel sorry for you like the kid from The Sixth Sense or be scared of you like that kid from The Sixth Sense.

Play with sympathetic topics like children and dogs. Combine the two if you have to. For instance my puppy ate my son or my daughter ate my German Sherpard.

Make up a disease. Take a word and add -citis on the end. Sleepicitis, consciouscitis, boredicitis. Unless you work at a doctor's office they'll never know that you're lying.

Try ~~make believe,~~ ~~bullshit~~ religion or some new age, hippy babble. Say you are praying, meditating, astral projecting or in love. None of this can before disprovened. And if they try to say otherwise, cry "Hate crime".

Misdirection - When accused of sleeping at work simply accuse your "oppressor" of sexual harassment. In fact shout "Sexual Harassment!" Tell them to stop looking AND thinking about your genitals. Make sure to use the word "genitals". Pronounce it like GEN-IT-ALS to make them feel as uncomfortable as their first parental sex talk.

Blurt it out as if you are shocked and traumatized. Make sure to say it loud enough for witnesses to hear. What you are doing is ethical wrong but that doesn't matter. What's important is defamation of character, THEIR character and not yours.

Admittance - Take responsibility for your actions and admit your wrong doing. Then follow it up with a threat of immediate violence. Stand up and jab a finger in their chest to show them you are serious. Establish eye contact, invade their personal and shatter something ceramic, glass or bone.