How To Travel

Traveling is an amazing and dangerous thing. We all want to know what made Germans make the porn they do, or to see what the australian language is like. But do the dangers of world travel outweigh the perks?

Aw, of course not! lookit him!

Oh yes, yes they do! JESUS H. JESUS! RUN!

Just The Facts

  1. Traveling places can be a learning experience
  2. Travel may or may not expose you to new diseases.
  3. Depending on where you go, you may or may not be sold into sex slavery.

General rules for traveling.

Rule No.1 Never talk to strangers unless they have candy.

If a well groomed business man approaches you. Let's assume you don't know this man. He's probably a criminal, he probably wants to take your beautiful face and put it on the face market where he will sell it to androids for favor in a world where humans are slaves in the robo mines. What do you do? Cry? Turn to drinking? Karate Chop the man? You guessed right. Karate chop the man. But wait. Did the man you just karate chopped have candy? If he did you lost out on a serious opportunity to score yourself some butterfingers. So before you do anymore choppings, Is the man wearing a trench coat with nothing underneath? The reason he's doing it is so he can fit more candy in there.

Rule No 2 Punches are a universal language.

You find yourself in a strange land. These people won't tell you where the nearest porn dispensary is no matter how much you yell at them. That's when you know it's time to withdraw fisty and smashy from their holsters. Sure you'll never learn where your porn has gone to. But people will stop spitting on you. Sure the headlines will paint you the villain. You'll have dispensed some American justice in the smashiest manner possible, and you'll always be able to tell the women you meet who don't run away from you, "Remember that guy who punched out a crowd of foreigners? that was me".

Travel test.

So, think your ready to venture beyond your parents basement? Think your woman enough to venture abroad?


Well, I can't be sure. Since I don't know you. But you do live with your parents. Weiner. Be that as it may, however, here is a simple 8 question test you may take to determine your readiness for the experience.

When you think about going to france, you think _________.

A) Le tour Eiffel, the beauty of the culture and people.
B) The shopping! oh god, the shopping!
C) Absenthe
D) Dirty frog-people who live in baguettes and let babies drink wine.

When you think of going on an adventure, where would you go?
A) Thailand. Elephants, and jungles.
B) Mexico. Lots of..... Baked goods.
C) Florida. Crazy old people and race cars.
D) To the Goblin keep at Hazeroth! We invade tonight! (Stock up on red zone first)

Do you speak any other languages?
A) yes
B) no
C) I know a little spanish

Have you ever been out of the country?
A) yes
B) no
C) illegally
D) Canada.

What language do Australians speak?
A) English
B) Australian
C) Stupid
D) Bliiabong

Are you interested in world history?
A) Yes, I think It's important to know about that kind of thing.
B) Yes, But only where there are epic battles
C) No, its boring
D) Penis

When you step off a plane into a foreign land, What do you do first?
A) Local Culture
B) Local FOOD
C) Local hotel room TV-watching
D) Local porn

Last question: Has reading cracked articles made you more paranoid about travel?
A) Yes
B) Yes
C) A little
D) Hells no! I eat box jellyfish for breakfast!

If you answred mostly NOT letter D, then your readt to go abroad.

If you answred mostly letter D, eh, go for it anyway.

If you were 50/50 on the matter, then you'd better bring a helper monkey.