Romeo And Juliet

Romeo and Juliet is a play written by William Shakespeare, and according to your high school English teacher every love story ever has been based off of it.

The Plot

Romeo and Juliet is the story of two feuding families, the Montasomethings and the Capuwhos. And when we say "feuding", we don't just mean that they just complain about each other to their neighbors. No, these motherfuckers full-on sword fight each other.

Well, long story short, Juliet and Leonardo DiCaprio fall in love. This is totally awesome, except they each come from those two "totally-hate-each-other" families mentioned above. Talk about an awkward wedding reception, right? Well there's no wedding reception because they both die, which you're actually told before the play even starts. Shakespeare just comes out and tells you everything. Biggest. Spoiler. Fucking. Ever.

So since they're in love and shit, they do what all rational people do after knowing each other for 2 days: bone and get married (kind of like how love works in Las Vegas). After they get married, some crazy shit goes down and we learn that the postal service in fair Verona really sucks. Juliet pretends to be dead, but Leo doesn't find out she's just pretending, so he kills himself like five minutes before she wakes up. Then she kills herself. Then everyone else dies. That's pretty much how all of Shakespeare's plays end, anyway, so it's not like you didn't see this coming.

Cracked on Romeo and Juliet

Alright, here's thine low-downeth on thy tale of fair Juliet and handsome Romeo:

WHY is the first whole section of the play devoted to telling you everything that happens in the play? You know those, um, couple hundred pages after that? Yeah, don't worry about those. He tells you everything in the beginning. Damn, at least put some spoiler tags around it or something.

Next, these families are both rich as dick, but refuse to move away from each other. Seems like somewhere in their families histories that someone must have had this realization, but nope. They choose to live right next door to everyone they hate.

Romeo and Juliet meet at a party and Romeo makes the decision then and there: he wants to tap that. So he goes to her window and creepily just freestyles about her.

Skip ahead through all the boring stuff to the real reason you come to Cracked: SEX SCENES! You'd think that Billy Shakes would be able to write some freaky, kinky stuff right? Nope. Nothing. The play just goes from Juliet going to bed, to Romeo sneaking out the window in the morning like a badass pimp.

Pictured: Romance

The fact that everyone dies kinda sucks but hey, that's life right? The moral of the play is apparently never fall in love or you will die, especially if you're an irrational teenager.

Why You're Wrong

Ok, let's say you have no clue who these Romeo and Juliet people are, except for the vague images portrayed to you by pop culture and high school English class. Congratulations, we've now established that you are at least as smart as the people who lived in Shakespeare's time, but were too poor to afford to see his plays, which literally cost just pennies.

Ladies, let's be frank. More specifically, let's be Juliet. How many times have you described the ideal man as being a "Romeo"? Probably so many times that just his name makes your ovaries quiver, right? Smooth, romantic, will always love you and always has loved you? Well Romeo wasn't like that. Romeo wasn't even in love with Juliet until his main biddie straight-up told him she wouldn't touch him. So ladies, the man you seek is the man that settles on you when his dream girl won't take him.

Cracked writers, however, look just like this.