Outraged Mothers

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt and their mother finds out about it

Just The Facts

  1. Some mothers are way too protective of their kids
  2. These women will never be happy until every square-inch of the planet is wrapped in safety padding and warning labels
  3. These women are bigger crybabies than their own crying babies

Introduction: The bitches who wouldn't shut up

On the whole, I think we can all agree that having a mother who loves her children and wishes to protect them from harm is a good thing. I don't know what your relationship is like with your mother, maybe you despise her. I don't know, but for the sake of argument lets just say that compared to getting your vocals chords caught on a moving spindal saw, having a mom is pretty good.

Now, I love my mom. I love other people's moms (namely yours. Ooooooooooooh). But I must admit that there is one particular breed of mother that I just cannot abide. No, not Honeymooners-inspired mother-in-laws, I mean the Outraged mothers.

...other than me

These are the kind of women who expect the whole world, rather than herself, to take responsibility for the constant well-being of her children. They require the slightest object of discomfort to be sectioned off to their children, if not completely removed from the area. They assume that random strangers will stop what they're doing to supervise her children when she isn't looking just because its "her child." And if anything goes wrong, she sounds off like an alarm to everyone with a set of ears or news camera about how OTHER people screwed up and left them with a conflict they should resolve/ have prevented on their own.

A HERstory of anti-violence

In the frenzied, paranoid world of the Outraged mother, the world is a treacherous, ticking time bomb of mortal perils the likes of which her child will never recover. From dirty jokes during primetime television to R-rated movies to roller blades, everything is just just waiting for the opportunity to cripple her precious child and send it down the wayward path to drugs, rock 'n' roll and pre-marital sex. The outraged mother's only weapon to these threats is reacting to the problems after the fact, and in the lamest way possible.

The first step in the Outraged mother counterattack is to organize a string of protest groups and movements to rally the support of other overprotective mothers. These worrywarts join less to offer the support of the victimized ringleader, and more to ensure this action will result in more security for their already sheltered offspring.

Behold the visage of the most unstable member of a popular "dysfunctional" family

The next and final step in the crusade is to outright ban the so-called threat so that it may never again harm another child. Getting a show taken off the air or a toy recalled is no easy feat for the outraged mother, and those who manage to create a big enough stir to do just that are labeled folk heroes in the tight-ass buzz killer community.

The Blame Game: Where everyone's a winner

Now, not all outraged mothers are distraught crackpots out for blood because of a knee-jerk overraction. Some are remarkably pro-active in seeking justice, and are so compelling in their convictions and determination that they bring about real and positive change through nonviolent means.

...and some are MILFS

But others are quick to point fingers at anyone who may or may not have even the slightest responsibility in the matter. Instead of watching the road, the schoolbus driver should have inspected each of the kids for contraband as he drove them to school the day a kid was caught with a joint. The young man working the drive thru window should have known when he took the mother's order that her child would eventually succumb to salmonela poisoning from the fish burger he did not prepare. The makers of the violent video game should have printed a mature-content warning sticker on a sixth, more noticeable spot on the game box cover.

Not even high ranking political figures are exempt from the wrath of outraged mothers. When presented in an entire mob, and especially during an election year, these high ranking officals will pander to the outrageous mothers to ease their worries in the hopes that it'll finally shut them up.

I'm in trouble now

The only things outraged mothers hate more than seeing harm befall their childen are the people who say the accident is indisputably the fault of the child's and/ or the mother's. Every attempt to provide a reasonable counterpoint to the tradgedy is met with hostility from the outraged mother.

Oh great, here it comes...

You see, because the emotions of outraged mothers are firing on all cylinders in times of crises, they wrongly assume that everyone else is on the same out-for-blood wavelength as them. Worse still would be if you were to witness to the events that caused the mother to rage; now not only are you disputing the facts she saw with her own eyes (i.e what the mother believes everyone saw), but your inactivity to prevent this dissaster makes you worse than twenty Hitlers.

Any and all stern lectures given to the outraged mothers will be mistaken as despicable affronts to their kid, and your best bet is to flee the scene before the mom mob marches down to the statehouse and demand the government puts a ban on YOU.