Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare II

Anybody who's played it knows, this game is as cool as Samuel L. Jackson in a bathtub full of dry ice. Honestly, what more could a young man of the 21st century ask for than gratuitous video game violence against Russians?

What you are probably like in real life.

Just The Facts

  1. You get to kill non-Americans (killing non-Americans is OK).
  2. You get to tear a knife out of your own beating heart..
  3. You get to throw said knife into the eye of the cocksucking bastard who betrayed you.

Why you should play Modern Warfare II

As Americans, we tend to think of ourselves as above foriegn invasion. The USA has never been successfully occupied and, lets face it, most of the countries that we go to war with these days just don't have the military capabilities to mount a legit attack on our homeland (9/11 doesn't count, they didn't even have their own planes for fuck's sake and even if they did, blowing up a few buildings isn't shit compared to a full scale invasion). However, as the fine people at Infinity Ward have shown us, our misguided illusions of security could be shattered by something as small as, say, an American CIA agent participating in the brutal massacre of countless innocent civilians (which is a totally fun level, by the way), getting left for dead at the crime scene, and then, upon being identified as American, propelling the entire Russian war machine into action.

Some of you may say that this is a bit far fetched but, like I always say, if it happens in a video game, it must be real (note to creationists: start funding immediately for Jesus-Hero) I mean, the first few Call of Duty games were about WWII, and that actually happened. So why should I believe that the last two Call of Duty's won't also actually happen. Are you denying WWII?........Goddam anti semetic bastard.......

Anyway, all I'm saying is that it could happen; America could one day be invaded by the Russians or Canadians or whatever, so we should be prepared. And what better way to get ready for the heroic defense of your homeland than sitting in front of the big screen for hours on end force feeding yourself Red Bull and weed in an attempt to distract yourself from how depresing your life really is? That way, when those sweaty, ill mannered Russians do invade and overtake the US, they will have gained nothing but a country full of fat worthless Americans (must be how Obama feels) Look out Ivan! We are ready for you!

Five reasons that COD4 owns.

1. You get to kill people

Most of you reading this are probably as geeky, reclusive, and domesticated as I am. Lets face it, as young men in the 21st century we have very little opportunity to exercise our primal urges to fight and kill. But our friends at Infinity Ward have given us a way to say, "I am a man, goddammit! No longer will I spend my time shopping and working and cleaning, I will fight! I will kill! I pity whatever poor bastard finds himself in my sights for he will feel the full force of my phallic rage!." The best part, of course, is that the poor bastard is really just an animation, and my wrath is expressed by pressing buttons in between bong hits, which requires almost no physical ability or strain. Indeed, Modern Warfare II lets us get in touch with the inner caveman in the best way possible; we get to feel manly while still being the comfortable, overweight losers that we really are. Ahh isn't technology sweet?

2. It will get you laid....constantly

It is common knowledge that women are powerless to resist the choco-mojo that every seasoned gamer posesses. Our nimble fingers, above average reaction times, and passionate dedication to our craft make us sexual dynamos and the ladies know it. Sure in darker, less advanced times (like high school) the atheletes horded all of the female attention, leaving guys like us with little to do other than masturbate cronically and play Mario (maybe even both at the same time........the princess wasn't half bad on the N64 version). But no longer must we wallow in our lonliness! For as the star football players and jocks lose thier appeal over time, our skills only become sharper, and our sexual prowess increases exponentially with every checkpoint we reach and every noob we pone online. So watch out Lebron James, as soon as I beat Modern Warfare on Vet level difficulty you won't be able to get a chick to save your life and I will be giving your mom a sweet taste of Zeus's thundercock (by the way, that is the actual name that I gave to my penis).

PS If you are reading this Lebron, please don't kill me.

More to come soon......