Being An Asshole

Sure, You let one enterprising lady name a wine Skinny Bitch, and the feminine world goes crazy. Let someone name a wine Asshole and it gets stocked right next to the Boone's Farms and Ripple. Bastards.

Seriously, What the Fucking Fuck?

Not today!!

Just The Facts

  1. Everyone Likes a Piece of Ass. However, Even More People Hate Assholes: Learning How to Notice An Asshole
  2. Contrary to Popular Belief; Assholes Do Not Finish Last
  3. Most Assholes Think Other Assholes are Hilarious

Everyone Likes a Piece of Ass, However, Even More People Hate Assholes: Learning How to Notice An Asshole

Have you ever watched one of those silly bigfoot hunting television programs and by chance, caught one of the credentials of the people that get interviewed? Such as, Gary Swanson, Cryptozoologistic Whadafucizdat Expert. Notice the word expert because that is what you are dealing with in reading this article. A tried and proven asshole. I regret feeling this way most times, but in this world, being a cynical bastard is about the only way to handle it.

Yeah, it is true that everyone likes a piece of ass. I can't say that in complete faith though. I mean, we should probably save room for the poor people that get raped and molested right? Besides, that is a power trip for the dipshits that perform the acts. I'm talking about honest, hard working sex. I guess you can refer to it as being hetero, gay or lesbian. Can't leave the queers out. Wait, don't they kind of love assholes? Hell, I don't know how to place that one. Anyhow, that about sums up that issue. I don't believe I'll find anyone that is above the age of 16 that will give me grief on that.

I can't really say that I have ever seen a rhinestone/bedazzled driking goblet with the word Asshole on it. I bet it would sell. Put that on a shelf in any Spencer's and let the revenue flow. Seriously though, I think that it is a bit ironic that a woman can enjoy being a bitch and her girlfriends crowd around her and offer up support. Let a guy be an asshole and he might as well be put into the dungeon or fed to the lions.

I guess it would sound literal but, for every piece of ass, there is an asshole attached to it. Does that make all these people getting laid enamored secretly with assholes? I don't think so scooter.

However, even more people end up hating assholes. We are really at a disadvantage. I think it is because the proper ones in our society are hard to recognize. Even harder are the different species of these assholes. Distinction should be made because even the Muslims can take it a little too far.

The Occupational Asshole - Threat Level - Moderate

I don't think I need to tell you that your boss probably falls into this category. These are the people that enjoy raising your power bills and charging you absurd late fees for the better of the company. Granted, some of that is your fault for not being an asshole. Generally, these assholes have an off/on switch that tends to flip to the off position when they either want something extra of you or in some general social settings. We all have to deal with them. No matter where we work. The corporate monsters that run our capitalistic country have to be assholes. Pushovers tend to be weak and fall. Like France.

They tend to make others' days awful and usually become the topics of discussion at dinners across the globe. There really is no cure for the venom of this species. All one can do is hope that they are taken under the wings of the lead asshole and "groomed" to become one themselves.

Monogomatic Marital/Nonmarital Asshole - Threat Level - Moderate

This is typically your husbands ladies. Take myself for instance. I once hid my cousin in the pantry of an open house for sale and made my wife come to see the spaciousness of said closet. She opened the door and we were all greeted by a scream and the most common aspect of identifying asshole species. The declaration. As in: "You Asshole."

Sidenote: The Marital asshole can be easily confused with the Nonmarital Sub Genus. They have not gone through full crysalis. In other words, they haven't gotten married yet.

Polygomatic Marital/Nonmarital Asshole - Threat Level - Medium

These are easily noticed by the typical signs of married discomfort. A few busted doors and a demolished restaurant here and there doesn't hurt either. These are your cheaters. Be it married or simply dating, mankind gravitates towards being a mating pair. Not a mating pair, with a few friends with benefits.

Douchebags and manwhores are your typical variety. Pretty much all men can have these thoughts. Seriously, how many of us think that our fantasy is more than one woman in bed? Honestly? That many? Don't they write books on how to satisfy your woman? Singularly. Not plural dumbshits. Try handling two sets of needs and wants. Ask the Mormons. They represent the largest colony of the Polygomatic assholes. There is a reason they are mainly in Utah. It wasn't John Smith. That asshole died a long time ago.

Being an honest ass. After men see their wives naked, they like how it looks and wonder what every other woman looks like naked. It is a known fact.

Terroristic Asshole - Threat Level - High (Not unlike Matthew McConnoughay)

These are the assholes that tend to use cruches like religion and having a black president to wreak havoc on innocent bystanders. Probably best to leave these guys alone. If you do come into contact with these. Be sure to take drastic measures to ensure capture and ultimately death. I would suggest really large glue traps that smell like peanut butter. I think that would catch me.

See: 9/11, Fort Hood, Columbine, Virginia Tech, The USS Cole, Heinz Ketchup

Not all asshole fall into these categories. Many stones are unturned and there are many yet to be named. If you catch any asshole that appears to be a new species or subspecies, try to capture them or at least subdue them with chicken wings and beer. Then document their vitals, take a stool sample and send them to:

The National Unified and Trans Syndicated Association of Assholes, Cocksuckers and Cumwads (or NUTSAACC)

114 Whogivesafuc Lane

Washington DIC, 343434

Contrary to Popular Belief; Assholes Do Not Finish Last

A famous, and now dead, NASCAR driver once said, "The guy that finishes second is the first loser. And he has to look at my asshole as he crosses the finish line."

Now, it may not have gone that way exactly, so I am not citing it. That, and I want people t think that I know only a tiny bit of information about NASCAR because I'm not a redneck I have never been to and would only go to a race to watch the crashes. Much like going to a hockey game for the fights.

Not a whole lot of evidence needs to be presented on this one. Any basic Disney movie is about overcoming adversity and dealing with jerks and assholes along the way. The synopsis of the movies don't tell you the background of the people in charge. They got where they were by being assholes. Tearing down apartment complexes and draining wetlands. Simple stuff really.

Bottom line: In real life, Wil E. Coyote would catch, cook, eat and shit the Roadrunner with his first order from Acme. Because he doesn't let being an asshole get in his way.

Most Assholes Think Other Assholes are Hilarious

I had a professor in college, before he died, lonely at home, that was a complete dickhead and an abominous asshole. He was the funniest man I have ever met. In a time, when pagers were still in, but not cool, one went off in class and he promptly quit teaching and stated, "I'll take two kilos please."

That is quality humor that only another asshole would appreciate. Much like my cousin laughing at my wife when he was in that closet. It was indeed, tragic when he was found dead. He had polio and had survived being polish in WWII. No wonder he was an asshole.

In a true asshole manner, I had another professor, a department head that enjoyed being an asshole. He specifically stated in class that he was making his test hard to "weed out" the ones that thought it was an easy major. Either there was a stereotype on the Journalism program or he was a complete dick. I'm going with a little of both.

That test; I got an A on and got to leave while the rest of the class had to retake the test. Now who was the asshole in the picture?

Take them as you will. This asshole, and the rest of them in the lovely world, are here to stay. Bitches.