Black Friday

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Just The Facts

  1. Black Friday is Scandinavia's most kickass Metal band.
  2. Ok, we totally made that up.
  3. "Black Friday" is actually the day after "Thanksgiving". More on this unusual connection in a minute.
  4. In the US (and other places) this means a sudden flood of holiday shopping.
  5. Buying a gift on the same day as everyone else will prove that YOUR love is special.
  6. Thank you for shopping, and please enjoy your minor-to-severe injuries. Happy Holidays!

How To Brew A Disaster Using Only Good Ideas

If you've ever seen the screeching primate mass that is a consumer riot, then you might have wondered how normal ordinary people who were acting sane and behaving normally just days earlier (we're lying, they weren't; most of them are dysfunctional all year round) could have become one of the hyperventilating combatants hitting other parents in the face with toys and squealing out high decibels of nonsense syllables.

You would honestly think that some kind of evil insanity ray had been focused down on their heads, and flipped on while some sadistic alien overlords watch the mayhem and carnage.

A Holiday Between Thanksgiving and Christmas

There wasn't one before, but consumer culture created one (with the help of the friendly consumer giants who help guard their gold for them).

So, on Thanksgiving, be thankful. Have gratitude for everything you have now.

The next day, get up, and go out to buy everything that keeps your life from being fulfilled.

Then, pretend it didn't happen at all, and give people presents to prove to them that you are a good person. If you give a present to a child, and it's the wrong one, then they will throw a fit. This just means you are a shitty parent who never taught any discipline or gratitude to your kids, and is totally normal these days. Don't worry, your kids will still grow up to be greedy demanding little pricks with a sense of entitlement that lets them feel superior to others, and justified in being horrible human beings.