Fat Girls

"So much more of them to love". "More cushion for the pushin'". "Built for comfort, not for speed". Skinny girls wish they had cute sayings for them. &&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||na

Just The Facts

  1. Young girls are more afraid of becoming fat than they are of nuclear war, cancer, or of losing their parents.
  2. The average weight of a North American woman is now 163.5 pounds.
  3. These absolutely true statisitics proves that girls are crazier than we thought, and that you, despite your best manly efforts, are sleeping with a fatty. Ha!
  4. All sizes referred to in this topic page are US sizes. If you desperately want to know what size they would be in another country, Google it yourself. We're not your mother, and it's high time you learned to do things for yourself.

A History of Fat Girls

There was a time in most societies when fat women were revered above all other types of women. Being a fat chick actually made you more desirable, since it meant you were wealthy enough to afford food. It also made you much more likely to be married, since these women had them birthin' hips to pump out precious, precious sons.

Porn, circa 1600's.

Somewhere along the way, the establishment decided to change their minds completely and declare skinny girls to be the new 'sexy'. Why the sudden about-face?

Two reasons:

Physical power:

For the uninitiated, that's a corset. It's worn around the torso and laced up tightly in the back. Over time, it does this to a woman's body:

"Mmmm, I can taste my own lungs!"

We'll point out the obvious. When you wear a corset, either temporarily or long term, your internal organs get crammed together and tend not to work properly. This means that common physical processes like breathing become a very delicate and sometimes torturous affair. If you have limited lung capacity because your lungs are being shoved up into your shoulders, could you run a 5K? Hell, could you even do simple, everyday things you take for granted in a corset?

No, you couldn't.

Corsets and other similar undergarments were meant to keep women unnaturally petite and weak. Men wanted delicate pansies, not wild roses that could easily beat them at an arm wrestling match while birthing a baby and making a kickass potroast all at once.

Mental power

The 98 pound weakling is always a 98 pound weakling in his head. Even if he rocks some 'roids and gains 250 pounds of pure muscle, inside his head he'll always be that nerdy little shit who has daddy issues and sexual insecurities galore.

Same goes for the mental power of the sexy skinny female figure. If you convince women to wear a brutal torture cage like a corset, it's not much of a stretch to convince them that you, as a manly man, can run the world while they just have the occasional fainting spell over the slightest of controversies.

A Modern History: The Fat Girls Your Grandpa Liked

Back in your grandpa's day, waaaaay before the Internet was just a byte of code in Al Gore's optical repository, men got their rocks off to pin-up girls and movie starlets.

Here's a few names even you whippersnappers may know.

Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn ranged from size 8 to 14 throughout her career. She had sex with baseball players, politicians, and a President. She starred in many movies and was famous all over the world.

What a fat piece of shit.

Rita Hayworth

Screen goddess of the 40's, Rita was one of the most recognized sex symbols in Hollywood. She married a bunch of guys, including a prince. Also, she was the chick your grandpa fapped to in the trenches during WWII.

But seriously: look at that stomach roll. Barf.

Lana Turner

One of the first starlets to help coin the phrase "sweater kittens". Turner stood at 5'3", weighing about 110 pounds.

The guy trying to carry her was Mr. Universe back in 1940. Look at the strain in his muscles and the grimace on his face: he can barely lift her! Soooooo-weeeeeeee!

The Fat Girls (Some of Us) Like Today

As the great Bob Dylan once opined: "the times, they are-a rapidly becoming more different, and not for the better."

We've seen three examples of timeless movie stars in the 40's and 50's that could never make it in Hollywood today. However, there must be some fat actresses working in Hollywood that can still get Old Glory to salute, right?

Short answer: yes... with a 'but'.

Okay, to clarify: the mainstream media says there are plenty of fat actresses out there. Remember how Marilyn Monroe got up to size 14 sometimes, but was still considered to be the most bangable chick in the world?

Tyra Banks, former supermodel, got blasted in 2007 for the disgusting offence of displaying her swimsuited fat ass in public. Come on, there were people on that beach, and paparazzi hiding in the trees! Show some dignity, woman!

Oh, and for Tyra's height (5'10"):161 pounds makes her about a size 10-12. Smaller than Marilyn by at least one size.

Jennifer Love Hewitt was also caught in full pixellated glory blatantly showing off her fatness in Hawaii in 2007. The tabloids jumped all over this picture, slamming JLH for daring to draw attention away from her majestic rack by getting fat.

JLH stands at 5'2" and ranges from under 100 pounds to up to 117: 7 pounds heavier than Lana Turner.

Christina Hendricks

Hendricks, the stunner from AMC's "Mad Men", stands at 5'8" and 140 pounds. She was ridiculed in the New York times as being a "big girl" (and not in the patronizing-to-a-female-toddler type of way).

She's not even close to Marilyn's or Tyra Banks' sizes, yet she considered going on a diet in response to the flame war the Times started. Luckily, she ignored the trolls and decided not to diet, letting us all continue to fast forward through the PVR to get a glimpse of her character's Rackzilla.

The Fat Girls (All of Us Should) Love to Love

Fear not, lovely ladies, there are still men out there who appreciate the surrender into the softly scented pillowed form of a Fat Girl.

If you are one of the few men willing to stand up and loudly proclaim your worship for a true woman, here are a few ideas to get you started on converting others. Viva la revolution!

Plus-Size Models

With rulings by Spain and England's fashion modelling authorities, anorexic models may eventually be on their way out. Enter the plus-sze model.

Laughably, with the average North American woman being a size 14 or larger, the plus-size model is one who is size 8 or larger. However ridiculous their title may be, these women at least prove that "fat" girls are gorgeous.

Check it out for yourself:

Chloe Marshall: size 14: kickin' ass and getting phone numbers. This plus-size model from England went all "fuck y'all" on the British beauty pageant industry, entering pretty much every contest they had. She eventually won 2nd place in the Miss England contest. She could have won 1st place by exposing the hot, naked affair the winner was having with an egg beater and a car battery, but Chloe was too busy fucking lots of hot guys.

Lizzie Miller: size 14. Lizzie did a shoot for the September 2009 issue of Glamour magazine. These pics caused a shitstorm of controversy: Lizzie was called "too fat" to be a model, and others bitched she wasn't fat enough to be a plus size model. Aside from that, the comments about her stomach roll ranged from "she's beautiful, who cares" to "mffffhfkwjhaiufwjaascdkskkkgghhhhhh". *

*: The speech patterns of anorexic models, whose vocal chords and throat muscles have partially collapsed from neglect.

Toccara Jones: 5'9", 180 pounds. 38 DDD, all natural. Damn... just... damn. She's so smokin' hot, Klansmen would give up their hoods and join the Million Man March just for a chance to motorboat those funbags.

BBW Porn Stars

If these pictures weren't enough to get you worked up, how about something a little more naked? Brother, have we got the girls for you. Let's meet some lovely Fat Girls who just happen to be porn stars.

Devyn Devine: 4'10", 38 DDD, all natural. Devyn is an exotic dancer in Seattle, as well as an accomplished porn actress. With her height and love of the color blue, you can finally now have a visual aid for that Smurfette fetish you've shamefully hid for years.

Wonder Tracy: 5'6", 198 pounds. Bra size: GG. This Hungarian fox loves her job so much that it took 3 weeks of research to find a Cracked.com approved picture of her. Wonder Tracy is guaranteed to make some serious Hungarian goulash out of your cock.

Lady Spyce: 5'6", 190 pounds. 40 DDD, all natural. You'll definitely want to make a 'spice rub' of your own if you check out her videos. Muy caliente!

Mythbusting: Are Fat Girls Better at Oral Sex?

An episode we're sure Adam and Jamie would love to do. Well, probably not Jamie.

This myth has raged for decades in the Norh American collective consciousness. There are men who will swear that if you want your wiener waxed properly, get a fat girl to do it. The reasoning varies from physical ("fat chicks love to eat so they love having men's junk in their mouths") to sociological ("they're so desperate to sleep with any dude that they'll do the shit that skinny chicks don't like doing").

While it may be true that some fat women are more eager to please and therefore willing to dunk your dragon, science has proven that women with oral fixations prefer to perform oral sex on their partners. So, look for women who smoke, chew gum, chew tobacco, chew on straws, and so on.

Bottom line here: if taking your limo to the car wash is your favorite thing to do, you'd better find yourself a girl who likes having stuff in her mouth. Avoid all anorexics and supermodels.


She will throw holy water on your junk and hiss at you if you even suggest it.