Most Idiotic Video Game Characters

The most retarded video game characters of all time - and why we love them (or hate them).

The five most retarded video game characters of all time - of all time!

5. Lemmings

The word 'lemming' has become almost synonymous with 'retard', thanks to this video game in which you watch lemmings walk off various cliffs in a non-stop suicidal exodus. Long before this game, their image as suicidal creatures was already cemented by a Disney movie in which a turntable was used to launch lemmings off a cliff to make us believe they do actually commit mass suicide. Lemmings are not really that dumb, but in this video game, they sure as hell are.

Lemmings jumping off cliff

Let me give you a helping hand...nah it's more fun to watch you die (MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA)

4. The midgets from Golden Axe

The retarded midgets from Golden Axe give vertically challenged people around the world a bad name. Instead of just having the goodies sprinkled around like in any decent game, in Golden Axe you have midget Santa Clauses who sit around waiting for you to kick them in the ass. Once you kick them in the ass they drop the goodies, and - get this - wait for you to kick them in the ass again for more goodies. After a good ass whooping they finally run away, which makes them only slightly less severely retarded.

Golden Axe midgets

"Hey green dude, I like me a good ass whooping!"

3. The dog from Duck Hunt

Ok, dogs are admittedly not quadrupedal Einsteins. But if I had a dog that does keeps giggling like a retarded sea lion everytime my bullet misses a flying duck - I would shoot the damn pooch in the paninies. It would go something like this: You laughin' to me? You laughin' to me? You laughin' to me? Then who the hell else are you laughin' to? You laughin' to me? Bang! What's that? Bang! Cat caught your tongue? Bang! Bang! Bang!

That's all I have to say about the retarded dog from Duck Hunt.

Dog in Duck Hunt
Better watch those paninies

2. Frogger

This dude is to Kermit the Frog like Mickey Mouse is to Stephen Hawking. Ok, forget that analogy. Basically, this is one retarded frog. The whole game consists of trying to cross a road and getting run over by cars, then trying to cross a river and drowning, then doing that over and over again. This frog gets pulverized so many times that in reality it would be just as flat as its two-dimensional representation on my old CGA monitor.

Frogger game
"Let's try this again for the bazillionth time"

1. Mario

This Nintencompoop has become one of the most popular video game characters of all time. That's probably because he is retarded in a lovable kind of way. Just like big business men like to take a break from shouting orders by getting a good spanking while strapped in a full body harness, we like to take breaks from the stresses of life by...doing the equivalent as a retarded video game character.

Mario spends his whole life getting spanked by Goombas and Koopa Troopas, falling into pits and taking shrooms, all to rescue a damn princess who gets captured again as soon as she's rescued. Probably that's just her way of saying to Mario - 'let's just be friends' - while she hits it off with Donkey Kong. So either Mario thinks the gazillionth spanking will finally impress the Princess enough to get her Peach, or he simply enjoys getting his ass handed to him by Goombas, or he has the memory of a gold fish. In any of these cases, one can only conclude: Mario is one hell of a retarded game character. And we love him for it.

Mario getting ass-whooping

"I'm a gonna get me some more ass whooping!"

Some deep afterthoughts

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" - Confucius.

"You must persevere to accomplish seemingly impossible tasks" - Chinese proverb.

"O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" - Shakespeare

Basically, dumb ass video game characters appeal to our romantic notion that if we suck and are dumbasses and couldn't win a wrestling match with a blind flamenco, it doesn't matter as long as we have enough perseverance. If we keep on trying, we will get the princess, we will shoot the duck, we will...cross the road.

It's also because deep inside, many of us are like dictators who want to keep the people around us retarded. However, because we are lonely geeks with no people around us, we instead like to be surrounded by retarded video game characters. This makes us feel like the Zeus of the gaming cosmos - strong, powerful, intelligent - commanding minions with pretzels for brains - and when you say 'left' they go left, when you say 'jump' they jump and when you say - 'go left and jump off a cliff' they go left and jump off a cliff. And you like that. You like that very much.