Team Jacob

In the wrist-slashing wastelands of Twilight territory, there is a formidable rivalry between the relentless Team Edward and the fearsome Team Jacob over which of these dashing strong men-boys is the hawtest. Like, for reals. Shit goes down.

Aw, fuck yeah!

Nah, not really. It's freaking Twilight, what do you expect?

Seriously, this is as violent as it gets. Just a lot of angsty looks.

Just The Facts

  1. To be honest with you, CRACKED reader (you're the best one), this topic is pretty much about the writer's rage, but for those of you genuinely looking to find out more information about a subsect of Twitard fandom, here is some actual knowledge.
  2. Jacob is not a werewolf. Use this information to seperate Twitards from Twihards. (And yourself from both.) Despite his wolf-like transformations, he is actually described as a "shapeshifter" in the last "book".
  3. He was never meant to be a proper character, but it was just Bella "I think I'm having some feelings" and Edward "I mostly want to eat you" mooning about for 400 pages, ya could probably use a character with some history.
  4. Just when you think Twilight can't get any worse: Werewolf/shapeshifter human imprinting. It's basically brainwashing children you think you'll want to have sex with when they're older. We'll talk about this nasty shit later.
  5. "Does my being half-naked bother you?" is kind of his tagline now. And he's the least douchiest "character" in the "novels."
  6. He's 16/17 in the books. A lotta places, that's kinda illegal. Twimoms, you just think about that. OH GOD NO NOT IN THAT WAY

HOW MUCH TWILIGHT SHIT IS THERE!?

Oh, a lot. I'm going to assume you know the basics of the "books" - Girl meets boy, boy rejects girl, girl finds other boy, first boy wants girl back, girl marries him and gives birth to his baby via it being chewed out through her belly, happily ever after. Btw, first guy is a vampire, the second guy is a werewolf, and the girl is every Mary Sue ever written, only a klutzy bitch. And there's some kind of rivalry or something between the two guys. What else do you want from me? You think I've read these pieces of crap? Go look at the Twilight topic page, you lazy fuck.

Aside from the shitfest "novels", more has been written about Twilight, teenage fandom, and Stephanie Meyer's flappity cooch-hole than this writer cares to acknowledge. Or research. Though it is safe to say that the public underestimation of the naive douchebaggery of teenage girls was greater than even the most cynical of us would have expected. There are twisted Twimoms adapting the figurines to vibrate (Yeah. You just think about that. I'm sure you didn't need to sleep tonight.), girls cutting their necks and throwing themselves at the ACTORS, more slashfic than there are written words, and to cap it off Wuthering Heights now has a sticker on with an endorsement from the Meyersnake herself. It's Bella and Edward's favourite book!!

And there are Teams.

SWEET, MERCIFUL ZEUS, ARE THEY GATHERING?

Unfortunately, yes. This swarming is no sign of sentience, thankfully, but they are forming these primitive tribes or "Teams": Team Edward, Team Jacob and Team Switzerland. We'll get to that last retarded thing in just a moment

In the great debate that has plagued mankind for hours, nay, days, these people are uniting and dividing under a common theme. To ask the oft-pondered question itself, would you rather be porked by a stalker rapist sparkly pedo emo "vampire" or a freaking werewolf!? Add lolz, lulz and !!!!!//!!?!/11!! where appropriate.*

The Meyersnake has created polar opposites in Edward (the pedo vampire) and Jacob (the werewolf Meyer turned into a pedo when he got cooler than Edward. Oops! More on that later too!) in easily digestible chunks of opposing attributes. Basically, if you like your men freaky-tall, tanned, with a sunny smile (Get it!? It really is this obvious), a little bit wolfy round the edges and impossibly ripped then you're Team Jacob. If you're into smart, melancholy, cold (both emotionally and physically. Don't ask what we know about Twitards freezing dildos), brooding, a little bit nibbly round the edges and slightly less impossibly ripped man-boys, then you're Team Edward. Also, both kinds of man are a bit rapey and obsessive.

THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN.

Unless you want both of them. In which case, you are neutral Team Switzerland, as Bella says when she's trying to get a kinky threesome going, because Switzerland being neutral in wars is totally the metaphor a 17 year old girl would use for her love triangle.

*On Team Pedovamp sites, this porking question might be phrased a little differently. Not in terms of the inane language, obviously. With Team Pedowolf, perhaps because there are less of them, they're not only uncomfortably vocal about their wolf love but freakishly vicious in equal measure to Team Edward. (Who genuinely don't seem to give a crap. With R-Pattz as their leader, how else could they respond?)

God, he's distant. Distant and greasy. If I were a teenage girl I would be all OVER that shit.

SO WHAT'S WITH THIS JACOB GUY THEN? HOW COME HE GETS A TEAM?

Well, for starters, he's a werewolf. (Only he isn't!) That's some yummy teenage fuck-you-Mom-and-Dad danger right there. His name is called Jacob BLACK and he turns out to be the wrong guy for Bella. (Oopsie! Spoilers! Yeah, he totally tries to rape her.) Bella SWAN is the lily-skinned heroine. Edward Cullen... is just a twat. Cull. That kinda means kill. And he's a killer. Except he isn't. He's just a twat. Like they all are.

Jacob Black is also 6"7 by the end of the "book" series.

Here are some other things that are 6"7! RAAAANDOOOM!!! Post more in the Comments section!!!!!

That's some tall, right there. Incidentally, he also emotionally blackmails Bella into her first steamy tonguing to which she's all "oh, kissing someone who kisses you back and who is also not made of cold is awesome, I'm all sticky between the thighs. I think that means I'm like totally in love with you now!!"

And he ends up dating an infant. Her infant. Only totally not really! But yeah. Kinda.

UH... WHAT?

Let's focus on the obsessive infatuation of the Team Jacob Twitards (Jatards. Jacotwards? Tacotards?) themselves, determined to bypass the abuse, pedophilia and brainwashing.

Let's just say that it's not about the porking (it's totally about the porking) and that it's about which one of these man-boys could satisfy the romantic needs of a woman. Or man. Let's not discriminate - each Twitard is just as faggy as the rest of them, regardless of gender or sex.

Forums are filled (believe me, I had to check... It was horrible...) with fangirl/boys exchanging no more than "Edward sucks and Jake rocks!!!!!!" and "LOLZ bella is such a luzr lolz lulz lolipopz" as the foundation of strong e-friendship. But I don't want to talk about the forums. Those soul-draining, oh-dear-God-these-idiots-are-the-future forums. Bad things happen there, and besides, there's little nourishing comedy to be found in mocking something so mockable. Instead, I draw your attention to worse weirdness.

They talk about Pedowolf like he's real.

They talk about him (and the other one) in the present tense, so it's less "I liked Jacob, I felt a naughty tingledingle in my dewdrop forest when I read about him doing that thing that he probably does" and more "OMG i love him so much and i hope he cums to find me so we can be togther 4eveeeeeeeer!!!!!"

If he were real, he would eat you.

Just like Edward. Just like the majority of males in this book. Can I get a Somebody-Wants-To-Be-Eaten-Out-Real-Bad high five!? All want to taste Bella's deliciousness, except for Bella's over-bearing father who like just doesn't get her. And even so, he'd probably have an incestuous nibble if the Meyersnake's Stereotype Machine had decided to write for adults and churn out some vaguely three dimensional daddy issues. But that's another bile-filled topic for another day. Back to Jacob.

How have more people not noticed that ActressBella looks exactly like a skinny StephenieBellaMeyer...?

JACOB SOUNDS PRETTY COOL! WEREWOLVES ARE STILL AWESOME.

No. You are broken. Seek help.

It's true, he was accidentally written as better than Edward in every way except mopey plastic perfection, but the Meyersnake realised this with all of her whistling vag-cave wisdom. This is why in one of the later books, let's say Romeo and Prejudice, she makes him an utter twatbag.

If you don't believe me by now that Twilight is filth, then read on. For starters, Jacob "imprints" on a new-born baby. Imprinting a person is like pissing on a tree - in wolfy terms, you're saying it's yours. Now, the Snake goes into a bunch of detail on her shitty website about how it's something he feels inside and he has to do it, that he only loved Bella because he sensed her eggs were going to provide him with the perfect mate. Before she's even pregnant. So that's basically still just her genes. The excuse doesn't wash, bitch. You made him a pedo because you wanted people to like Edward more, the supposed hero, even though you made him be a crazed puritan stalker. Hey, does it sound like I'm starting to care? Whoops. Better reel it in.

I just hate them so much.

When Bella DOES get pregnant, it's with Edward's kid. And Jacob decides, after trying to forcefully get with her Mom a bunch of times, that their little Renesmee is his soulmate. As she's just been born. He falls in love with a newborn. This is what he's thinking:

"I could see that now - how the universe swirled around this one point. I'd never seen the symmetry of the universe before, but now it was plain. The gravity of the earth no longer tied me to the place where I stood. It was the baby girl in the blonde vampire's arms that held me here now. Renesmee."

That's Team Jacob. The unhealthy freakish fandom of far, far too many men, women and children for a fictional character almost wholly created from cliches, a minimal understanding of mythology, and things that are illegal. Now you know far, far too much about this crap. And if that really isn't freaky enough for you, then here.

It's that sparkly, chillable dildo. I dare you to read the product reviews.