Twilight Saga: New Moon

The Twilight: New Moon movie made 72.7 million dollars, which is roughly the equivalent of 605 833.333 fake dog testicles. That's a lot of dog testicles, especially considering the fact that almost all of the entertainment industry thought vampires were dead, resurrected briefly by Buffy and then killed again by the Blade Trinity movie. In what follows we will try to analyze the Twilight phenomenon and find out why it became so successful.

Maybe the secret lies in the sources New Moon generously "borrows" from?

Humble origins that have been strip mined of any originality by generations of lazy authors and clueless movie producers. But nonetheless Stephanie Meyer is now able to bathe in dog testicles, so she must be doing something right.

Maybe it's the way she cleverly combined all the elements of the vampire folklore with engaging writing and an unbelievably awesome plot.

So what is the plot? Because of a paper-cut Edward leaves Bella. Let me rephrase that, because of a piece of paper the main character abandons the love of his life in the middle of a forest... The love of his life...the meteor that burned his eyes (more on that later) and he leaves her because of a paper cut...

But wait it get's better.

Bella like any normal 18 year old becomes an adrenaline junkie. I mean what else are you supposed to do if your teenage love leaves you?

Somehow, werewolves get involved, Bella almost dies and the rest of the story is basically the script from Romeo and Juliet. We suspect that a hillarious misunderstanding led to the last part of New Moon being accidentally replaced with a Shakespeare collection. Somewhere on Broadway a very confused Romeo is reading Edward the vampire's lines right now. The stage directions presumably remind him to deliver every line just like a piece of wood would.

Okay...so not the greatest plot ever, but it's the wonderful style in which it's written that truly makes the Twilight Saga awesome, right? Let's look at some quotes from the New Moon book / movie.

• "Well, I'm so sorry that I can't be the right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I'm just not as great as a bloodsucker, am I?"

I guess there are no normal boys in Washington and between the Swamp Thing and Wolf Boy, Bella had to settle for the one with less shirt.

• "You really, honestly don't mind that I morph into a giant dog?"

Sure, walking your boyfriend around on a leash seems fun at first, but you always have to carry those doggie poop bags with you.

• "You smell just exactly the same as always. So maybe this is hell. I don't care. I'll take it."

I guess girls smell like hell? This at least explains why Edward leaves earlier in the book, he couldn't put up with Bella's foul odor.

• "Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason ... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

Excuse me while I puke my guts out.

So what in Cthulhu's name makes this series sell like the cure for cancer?

Half naked teenage boys...

After the latest Twilight movie director Chris Weitz decided to quit movie making and, we hope, dedicate himself to the ancient art of hunting down whoever makes felt Bella wombs and kill them.

In other news Twilight felt wombs complete with an unborn baby inside are selling like hot cakes or dog testicles. I mean who in their right mind wouldn't want to slowly caress Bella's bloody insides as they rock themselves to sleep? We understand Anne Rice ordered a dozen of these babies.