Zoids

Zoids is basically Transformers Beast Wars for the Gundam crowd: Giant Mech animals blowing the shit out of each other. And a Healthier obsession than Twilight. Lets Go!!!!&&(navigator.userAgent.indexO

 The real reason your little brother -and you- watched zoids

Just The Facts

  1. All heavy machine operators imagine they're piloting giant fighting robots in the shape of various animals.
  2. The original idea for zoids came from babies fighting to the death babies in cardboard boxes
  3. stray zoid puppies are kept in cardboard boxes the size of a large bodega.
  4. Chuck Norris tamed the first Liger Zero... then he Rode it to the moon.
  5. Arnold Zchwarzenegger wrestled 4 of them into submission and gave them away as prizes on Oprah
  6. 4 out of five doctor reccomend a healthy dosage of zoids to keep you from spiralling back into depression that was your childhood.
  7. You know you love it. Don't lie.

Its humble beginnings

In the beginning, Zoids was nothing more than a toy. A model kit line started in 1982 to either amuse or possibly even choke small Japanese children with especially given the fact that they were on a 1:72 scale. They have been successful enough to put out several lines of model kits, which included over 200 designs. The lines started with Mechabonica and its Spanish (lol!) counterpart, technically, if you collect them anyway. If not skip on ahead to the future AKA 1983 where the toy company TOMY released the first Zoids in the US. Given that Americans like Japanese things even more than Japanese people they flew off the shelves. Either that or some cheap parents were trying to pass them off as transformers or something. Apparently parents really hated their children, because larger 1:24 scale models were introduced, but no one wanted them. Aside from the bazillions of model kits Zoids, like any Japanese model kit series, launched a successful anime Franchise, and a video game franchise that leaves something to be desired.

"warning: harmful if swallowed, especially by full grown men"

Zoids Century Zero... Best... Plot... EVAR!!!!:

Every Zoids anime series starts on the Planet Zi which is by far the most original plan that the members of the planet naming board have seen. EVER.

"Well Stevenson, do you have a better idea? DO YOU!? Let's hear it! No? Then Shut the HELL up!"

This particular series starts with a boy named Van Flyheight (once again originality points) who is minding his own business hover sand surfing or whatever the hell you do in the future on a desert planet. He is inexplicably chased by bandits (wtf?) into some ruins there he finds a mecha dinosaur and names him Zeke (ok this is getting seriously stupid now) as well as a rundown blade liger which Zeke restores... with magic. Then they go back to the ruins to find... GASPETH!!! A naked girl!!!!!! She has amnesia, and all we know is that her name is Fiona. And now we have our generically named band of kid adventurers and Pokemon or whatever the hell zeke is. You know where this is going... ADVENTURE!!! A CATCHY THEME SONG!!! FIGHTING MONTAGE!!! Let's GOOOOOOOO!!!! (Actually the theme song sucked) Cue a few Battles, a few filler episodes involving trips to the beach, and Ash Ketchum cameo, and a mysterious masked guy... this series is set for 50 something episodes.

Actual converstion with writers and producers:

Producers: Congrats!

Writers: Nyahaaaa

Producers: If you werent already drunk as hell I would take us out for to a bar or something i dont know.

Writers: Your mom wantssss to take a ride in our COCKpit... get it? we made a sexual zoidsszszsz reference

Producers: You know what? Here's 20 bucks. Take a cab home.

"Yup that's everyone important. Right there."

Long story short just like any anime series it is drama/ action to the max. The kids get caught up in war the minute their journey starts and EVERYONE wants zeke. Turns out he is actually called an organoid which makes zoids go like super saiyan thus making Van unbeatable, or a REALLY big pussy when he loses (like Yugi Moto... but that's a different topic page for a different day). Basically the rest of the series is them running around with an old couple (Moon bay and Irvine), fighting a war for the Republic, fighting for Fiona's memory, fighting for... jellybeans I guess it gets pretty convoluted after a while. Eventually they end up trying to find Zoid Eve, and defeat the Death Saurer whatever the fuck those are... but i betcha that this is the Death Saurer:

"Don't tell me this ain't no Damn Zoid"

Stereotypes I noticed:

Given at the time I watched the show I was a 9 year old girl, I don't even think I cared about stereotypes that much but whatever here goes...

Not all guys with eye patches are mean/mercenaries trying to kill me/sexy:

After I first saw Irvine I immediately thought sexy. So I wished I had a bf with an eye patch. As I got older I realized the only people with eye patches either suck at darts or had a cigarette pushed into their eye by an angry hooker. Also, some people with good reasons to have eye patches (pirates, pirate impersonators, construction workers?) are actually pretty nice, and don't want to kill me, just take my picture. And also... they dont have dept perception do they... SHIT!!! Wat if i fall off a roof... they think they are catching me and i'm smacking the pavement 5 feet away. Way to go Captain Sexy McSex. You can look good but you can't LOOK GOOD?

"IT WAS ALL A LIE!!!"

Not all black women are angry:

Because Moonbay is darker than all the others, I call her black (that or Hispanic pick your poison but dont tell me she's a tanned white girl cuz i see her nappy hair.) Either way, she doesn't have to get pissed all the time. Seriously. It's about time TV stopped being so stereotypical about that kind of shit.

"See? Not angry at all!"

Not all blondes are airheads:

Really. Why is Fiona originally portrayed as a ditz. Sure she has amnesia and all... but really now? That's about all the stereotyping I can take, so here is our resident blonde Russell to fill ya'll in on Zoids New Century Zero.

"I no Stoopeed"

Zoids new Century Zero

As a young man I would get up early for school in order to prepare for my day. In the process of waking up I would allow myself half an hour of cartoons before I had to leave. One of these cartoons was Zoids (shows how good it is, being on at 6:30am on weekdays) now the secret behind this show is combining several anime stereotypes so that they can grab all the fanboy suckers (no offense, I loved it myself.)

"Russell as a child"
The fighting anime stereotype: (Duh dumbass it's an ANIME - <3 Jazz)
Of course every anime in which there is fighting there has to be incredibly long and monumentally unimportant monologues. We all know the hero is going to win, there doesn't have to be fifteen damn minutes of him talking about how he's going to win, what it means to him, and his hair.
"L'Oreal... because I'm worth it"
The robot anime stereotype (fine, mecha. Don't look at me like that) (damn scraight ho get it right - <3 Jazz)
All of the machines featured in this anime are of course extremely complicated., Somehow are able to improve on their performance over the course of ever series, despite being the same damn machine, and have some rediculous control method that is impossible to create in reality. Damn I love anime. Anyways, the main machine of this series is the Liger Zero. A tiger like mech with interchangable parts. Despite being a machine it has its own personality and is constantly pushed "beyond its limits" (like every damn episode.) the hero is constantly afraid of pushing the machine too hard, despite it being a machine therefore obviously repairable or replaceable. The only thing I have to say is this, who makes a giant robot like a tiger lion combination with rocket launchers and lazers and blades AND WHERE THE FUCK DO I GET ONE?
"Who doesn't want to unleash this shitstorm!?!?!"
Something interesting I noticed about this show was how damn racist it was (as is most anime, admit it) the judge was black. Which is not racist in itself, it's always fine to see a respectable black person in a position of authority >_> but the evil judge was white. Obviously someone is making a point here. I just can't see what it is. (no really, pm me the answer o__o)
"Unfortunately, the black judge is not allowed on the interwebs"

Other series

The other two series' are Zoids Fuzors and Zoids Genesis.

"oh.. this looks promising"

Zoids genesis made a completely bullshit move, by premiering first in America instead of Japan, causing it to go down after 13 episodes, and allowed Japan to get all the improvements. Damn them. Zoids Genesis may never see our side of the world, after its short run on Cartoon networks last ditch effort to get people with some sense to watch its shows (toonami jetstream.) Why the last series did so poorly may be attributed to the fact that the real fans were too busy to watch (or smelled bullshit when it was not advertised or shown at a reasonable time) or the newer younger audience was watching a TiVo'd episode of Ben 10. Either theory is plausible. Both would be bullshit if true. But that's ok. It doesnt matter because I have the power of the interwebs by my side and I can watch whetever the hell I want. Without you TV... so *sniff* just go... *hic* away I dont need you. DAMN YOU!

"Oh... Hell no this did not ruin my Zoids moment!"

Video Games

For the one zoids game I have played I have a haiku:

Never have I seen
such a monstrosity that's
so full of bull shit

It's so bad, the translating isn't even done right. I guess it doesn't help that it was a GBA game. Needless to say, the Game had a bullshit plotline, there was one character who was OBVIOUSLY a she male (due to the constant use of "he" for a self proclaimed female), and just... WTF MAN!??! WERE YOU RUNING OUT OF MONEY? DID YOU NEED TO PAY RENT? DID YOU WRITE THIS GAME 2 HOURS BEFORE THE DEADLINE LIKE I AM DOING RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?! PLEASE STOP THE PAIN!!!! (thank god I can edit it)

"THE PAIN!!!!!!!!"

All that being said, I bet all the other zoids games rocked!

"A hellz yeeeeeeeaz They're-a Veary Niiiiiez"

Bull. Shit.

The future of zoids

We are quite certain that zoids can become popular once again in the US as long as they make a live action motion picture directed by Michael Bay starring Johnny Depp and Halle Berry. They must also make a live action series, a new "more adult" series, and put toys into happy meals, and BK kids meals. You know shit liike that. And explosions.

"Take that Transformers!"

Fuck you indeed.

Thanks

I wanna give thanks to Inputninja and to Ajaxgreater... cuz input ninja is awesome, and Ajax is just Russell with his own damn account.

I also want to thank all my sources for the photos that made it all possible.

http://media.giantbomb.com/uploads/0/3564/413214-mechagodzilla_large.jpg

http://midlifeslices.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/explosion-finger.jpg

http://goingconcern.com/two%20thumbs%20up.jpeg
http://www.mannythemovieguy.com/images/total_recall_remake.jpg