The Da Vinci Code

'The Da Vinci Code' is a best selling novel by Dan Brown following the symbologist Robert Langdon as he uncovers the sinister truth about the Holy Grail while being stalked by an albino assassin. Despite all this the book is actually pretty good.

I'd like to buy a vowel

Just The Facts

  1. This book has sold a shitload of copies
  2. It was turned into a truly terrible film starring Tom Hanks
  3. It was turned into a truly terrible game starring nobody which is still better than Tom Hanks

The 'Plot'

The story starts with Robert Langdon being called to identify clues left by the murdered curator of the Louvre. The police believe him to be the murderer and so naturally wipe away the evidence that suggests this and allow him to walk amongst the crime scene. Unsuprisingly they are later outfoxed by a symbologist and a bar of soap.

The French Police Force

The French Police Department

The Curator's grandaughter Sophie soon meets him there and it is later revealed she stopped talking to her grandfather after seeing him participate in a pagan sex ritual. In light of this his decision to tell her about the Holy Grail by stripping naked and lying in a pentagram seems illadvised.

Then some stuff happens that is all fairly boring, there's an anagram and a key, some Fibonnacci numbers, a bank where they find a cryptex, and then in the greatest twist of all a British person brings some excitement into the story. The crippled British historian Teabing explains that the Holy Grail is just an unsexy euphemism for vagina and that Jesus got his freak on with Mary Magdalene.

Sex Machine

The Holy Grail is actually evidence of said sexing which contains a history of the bloodline, the bones of Mary Magdalene and a picture of a baby wearing a T-shirt that says 'Grandson of God'. Teabing reveals that Mary Magdalene as a disciple was written out of the Bible for being a woman an idea I am fairly certain was stolen from Dogma. If this evidence comes out it will rock the foundation of the church, because people that can refuse to believe in fossils are totally convinced by 2000 year old DNA evidence.

At least she wasn't black

The albino assassin then fights the crippled historian in a battle which sadly the cripple wins, presumably because polio is the equivalent of genetic steroids. The cops then surround the building but they escape and go to The Temple Church for some reason. Teabing then fakes his own kidnapping only to come back a few hours later to force Langdon and Sophie to work for him for a reason that probably made sense to him at the time. Teabing reveals himself as the bad guy and gives Langdon the cryptex because signs of trust are important when you're pointing a gun at somebody. Langdon then manages to defeat the super-poliod Teabing by throwing the cryptex into the air in slow motion and relying on the fact that Teabing greatly overestimates his jumping abilities. The cops come and arrest Teabing and through a series of Deus Ex Machina everyone is happy while everyone who has the gaul to be interesting is arrested or shot.

It is then revealed that there is a contingency plan to protect the secret of the Holy Grail making the entire book fairly unnessecary. Sophie is also revealed to be a descendant of Jesus Christ which would have been shocking if I'd still been paying attention at this point.

The Characters

Robert Langdon-A symbologist who uncovers the secret of the Holy Grail. He has appeared in 2 more books as apparently conspiracy related murders are far more common than you would believe. In the film he is portrayed unconvincingly by Tom Hanks.

An Average Tuesday for a Symbologist

An Average Tuesday for a Symbologist

Sophie Neveu-Having been trained to crack codes since she was a child she is only beaten through incredibly difficult puzzles such as anagrams or her inability to read backwards. She is one of the last descendants of Jesus Christ which isn't nearly as big a deal as you would think it was. She is portrayed attractively in the film by Audrey Tautou.

Silas-An albino monk assassin whose entire character is based on the idea that lack of pigmentation is creepy. He almost achieves his aim of being creepy through self flaggelation and being really white until he loses a fight to this guy:

Do not fuck with him

Sir Leigh Teabing-Having a name that is suspiciously close to teabag he felt the need to prove himself and being an historian felt the best way to achieve fame was to kill 6 people for increasingly stupid reasons. His great quest is to find the Holy Grail which he does not seem to realise can only really prove that someone is descended from a 2000 year old prostitute.

Everyone Else-They are a combination of snooty incompetent French people, murderous religious people and impressively commited bankers. They are portrayed by a suprisingly impressive cast of people who have a continual look of self hatred throughout the entire film.