Why Guys Hate Twilight

Since Nosferatus , man has been taught to fear and respect the vampire. But now, in an age where the pre-pubescent girl is queen, or at the very least, a very annoying princess, even the brutal legend of the vampire has been tainted.

Just The Facts

  1. Twilight is a novel/movie series centered around a teenage girl and her vampire love interest.
  2. This love interest just so happens to be the biggest pussy of a vampire ever created.
  3. Do you have ripped abs, sparkles like diamonds, and can fly? No? You're fucked, my good sir.

Where Have All The Good Vampires Gone?

Throughout our many (or few) years on this planet, there are few constants in our ever changing lives:

You can't escape death and taxes, women are absolutely batshit insane, police always seem to be out in force at both the beginning and the end of the month, and Dracula was a fucking badass!!! He was a night-dwelling, woman-seducing bloodsucker, whose only supposed "weaknesses" include Holy Water, crosses, silver and wooden stakes through the heart. The man didn't "twinkle"-yes, I said twinkle- in the sunlight, he fucking burst into flames!

The Vampire genre was meant to put fear into the hearts of the masses, not tug at their heartstrings.

Or make us giggle uncontrollably...

Or make us giggle uncontrollably...

Follow as I go through step by step to explain just why Twilight is the fruitiest horror movie ever made, and why every heterosexual male cringes at the sheer mention of the name of the movie or the God-awful actor that all those budding young females scream and wet the seat for.

Vampires and High School

In every vampire movie or series, vampires are shunned from normal society. This might have something to do with the fact that they drink human blood for sustinence and can't go out in the daytime like human beings. In that respect, does anyone care to explain to me why there are now vampires sitting in high school biology classes shooting moody looks at the new, ultra pale chick in class? I'm pretty damn sure that a young vampire would have much more fun things on his mind than spending his days in a public high school.

Like diddling Rogue, for example.

Not to mention that Edward claims to be from 1918. That would make Edward 107 years old, at the filming of the first movie. Even if you're living in a 17-year-old's body, it must be mighty strange to know that you're easily one of the oldest kids in the class by a cool 93 years. One would think that in 83 years of existence, even as a vampire, one would have gotten over those awkward teen years decades earlier, no?

"God knows, this bloodsucker has."

Vampires DO NOT Twinkle!!!

One consistency in every vampire movie ever made is that vampires hate the sun. Everyone knows that they burst into flames and burn away faster than a draft card during Vietnam. This is pretty fuckin' cool, seeing as how this is as close as most of us are ever going to get to seeing someone spontaneously combust.

"I told you to stay away from the God Damned tanning bed!"

So, could someone please explain to me why in the name of all things undead and unholy, are vampires twinkling in the sunlight now? Edward, "Mr. I'm to sexy to be alive", explains this as camouflage, in order to lull hapless victims into a false sense of security before being devoured. But... vampires used to be human, so apart from the pale complexion and inability to be out during the day, the human form would be enough camouflage for your nightly human hunting trip.

"It's the skin of a killer, Bella!"

Lack of Compelling Vampire Violence

Over an hour into the movie, and we have yet to see one shred of badass vampire violence. Sure, there was the "spectacular" superhuman strength with which Edward saves the heroine from an out of control Astro van, and the moody interchange between Edward and the gang of drunken hicks, but nothing that would warrant classifying this movie as a bonafide vampire movie. At an hour and 17 minutes into a 2-hour movie, I had yet to see a pair of fangs to speak of.

Nope, no fangs.

So, Why Do Guys Hate Twilight?

Twilight is everything that vampire movies are not supposed to be. They're not to meant to be emotional and loving, but rather frightening and brutal. The Twilight vampires are quite simply the gayest looking vampires I have ever had the misfortune to look upon. A high school setting where the pale weirdo has a reasonably hot girl hanging all over him is slightly infuriating. It was hard enough for the rest to get dates in high school, why should the creepy pale kid who probably smells a little like a funeral home get any ass? That's our ass, dammit! Not to mention this "kid" is over 100 years old! You'd think he'd realize that high school never changes, and stop going by now.

Despite the fact that these vampires are anatomically incorrect with the rest of vampire legend (they twinkle in the sunlight and have no fangs to speak of), the fact remains that these vampires just look and sound like someone we all used to beat up in school, and that just rubs us the wrong way.

Yes. Them.

Add in that in place of really good vampire violence where the victim is ripped to bloody shreds while the undead feast upon his blood, we have a sparkly, pale, moody vampire staring at a vacant, also pale human girl. Moody stare-fests are only dreamed up by less-than-attractive high school girls while they sit in their room doodling in their diaries instead of going out and interacting with sane society. And thus, vampirism was ruined by the monstrosity that is the Twilight series.