Keith Olbermann

Keith Theodore Olbermann, formerly a sports broadcaster and currently a secret admirer of Bill O’Reilly, found his calling as a liberal political commentator on Fox News’ liberal twin wannabe MSNBC.


Keith Olbermann has a fetish for numbered lists. Unfortunately like the rest of cable news, he has no concept of what an important news story is. Unlike Casey Kasim, who actually knows that the number one ranks higher than number five, Olbermann's news stories count down to the least important news story which is number one. Unlike actual journalism, his "most important" news stories have a 40% chance of wasting your time, and a 40% chance of referencing Fox News in a negative light and also wasting your time.

"The number one story tonight is...Cheeseburgers!"

"The number one story tonight is...Cheeseburgers!"

Worst Persons in the World

Making a short list of "Worst Persons in the World" once a day, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and Glenn Beck frequently make the list--much to the chagrin of "Worst Person" hopefuls Osama Bin Laden, Kim Jong Il, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

"I will make 'Worst Persons' one of these days.

"Maybe next time, I'll try wearing pants"

"What? A dictator can't get no love?"

Special Comment

Keith Olbermann has a special segment of his show called "Special Comment", where he talks all smart and calls people "sir" when he actually means "douche-bag." He foams at the mouth a little bit, which Bill O'Reilly secretly thinks is sexy, which is why Mr. Olbermann does it, because after all, he has a crush on Bill O'Reilly remember?

"Bill-Ooooh, dreeeeam weaver. I believe you can get me through the ni-ight."