Why Every Guy Hates Twilight

We've all seen many types of vampires over the years. Brawny and mysterious, either with powers or the ability to kick the shit out of everybody

Hell yeah!

Until this happened

Just The Facts

  1. The movie is about a teenage girl falling in love with a vampire
  2. This love interest happens to be the creepiest man on the planet, and yet women still swoon over him.
  3. The girl is an idiot
  4. Even though they have enemies the main subject is some kind of vampire puberty

Background and Motive

There are many versions of storyes and beliefs concerning the origin of vampires. The movies offered us so many versions also. But concerning this part of the movie, we as an audience are less interested in what happened and more interested in what is about to happen.

For example take "Underworld". Selen's parrents were muredred and she was transformed into a vampire, she betrays her vampire clan by falling in love with a vampire/ werewolf ( how fucking cool is that!) and thus being caught in the middle of a war that's been going on for centuries that's presented at the beggining.

Even the weakest character Michael Corvin is the descendent of a fucking medieval blood-thursty moldavian warlord.

Corvin's grandpa on a sunday picnic

On the other hand the Cullens seem not to have that much of a history. We know that Carlisle went off biting everybody because he was lonely and made his own little vampire family and moved in a nice cosy vampire house, he drove an enivromental minivan and ... you get the picture but what happened until then is a blank page.

Basically the Cullens strive to be as human as possible by living out eternity as a happy family. That's probably what every vampire with super powers wants when reaching the age of fucking 500.

We only know how Edward came to be not the rest of the demon spawn cute sisters and psychotic brothers. Nobody asks anyway so the only assumption one could make is that they were bitten while in a fucking coma and woke up amnesiacs.

The only thing we find out about the Cullens background is presented briefly by the pissed off indian guy in a rain coat which by the way sounds like a bedtime story made up by your drunk grandmother. The story isn't confirmed by the members of the vampire family. The movie tries to point out the tension between Edward and Jacob ( the pissed off indian guy) which I assume comes from the fact that Jacob is jealous of Edward because he got the girl (classic).

We can assume anything about the Twilight vampires concerning their past. They have no major conflicts. Guys want to see vampires looking for revenge, cutting, shotting and burning everything in their path or a vampire hunter doing all this shit or any normal guy screwing getting the girl in the end because he has a score to settle or just because he fucking can.

But not this ...

Vampire hunchback rides

Guys want blood

Vampires have super powers and if you have them you might as well use them right?

That's what the rest of non emo gay vampires do. They use their power for good or evil.

Men are primal and will fight for just about any reason and if we're going to a movie about vampires we expect the same from the characters and we want blood god dammit.

Even in "Interview with the vampire" we have a little action bursting from anger and dispair. And Louis look pretty scary when he's angry. We see here Lestat showing no mercy on his blood-sucking killing spree leaving bloody bodies behind not to mention Louis grabbing a scythe and cutting evil vampires in half.

Edward on the other hand has the ability to read minds, stop oncoming cars with his bare hands, jump amazing heights, has superspeed and ...

sweats glitter for some fucking reason

He does use his powers to fight at one point to save Bella who seems to be brain damaged from the very beginning. The fight looks like an old chinese movie with them flying arround the place and you would expect Jet Li popping out of nowhere and kicking the shit out of everybody ( a thing that might have made the movie better).

The conflict in the first movie, besides Edward's inside struggle caused by ... whatever, is between them and some hobo vampires who happened to pass by and stopped to grab a quick bite. The main bad guy is a former high-school jock who looks like a truck driver but he's a vampire and it apperars that that's the only condition.

In the second movie the fight goes between Edward and Jacob Black, an indian belonging to a clan who can apparently transform themselves into wolves, poop in the forest and smell each other's asses when they're not fighting glittering vampires. I can't imagine them doing anything else ...

Wolf clan threesome

All and all the story is centered arround Edward and Bella and it focuses on their interior conflicts and all the exterior conflicts are less interesting than a bar fight.

Truth be told Edward is going through a struggle and not because he's a vampire and who fell in love with a mortal and all the other cheesy reasons in the movie but because he's going through an eternal puberty, you know that time when you learn a lot about your body ... like the fact that your dick sparkles.

So guys don't want to see this because there's no blood, no action, no real god damned vamipirsm. We want a real plot implicating bunch of characters with complex personalities and maybe some badass half naked vampire renegade chicks.

But don't loose hope. In the fourth part we've got sex, clan wars and not blood but gore. Oh yeah! In the third part Edward sleeps with her and beats her up in the same time ( a thing guys with brains would raise an eyebrow to).

Clan wars. Yep that's right. Well maybe not clan wars. Edwars and Bella have a kid and apparently that's illegal according to paragraph 666 in the vampire legislation. Therefore some badass vampires want to kill it but decide not to because newly grandpa Carlisle asked them nicely to leave but not before they taste some rabbit balls blood cocktail.

Oh yeah and in order for the child to be born, Edward rips Bella open using his teeth to get the little prick out. And it's a girl. How sweet! Except the fact that Jacob, Edward's former enemy falls in love with the new born child.

What the fuck is going on here?

First we've got these teenagers sad all the time and Edward glum like he needs to take a shit every time someone talks to him and the next second you've got these monsters devouring each other.

And guess what? She survives and her dream of becoming a blood sucker comes true.

It's like the author saw that her first two novels were ... well fucking boring and then she decided to throw in depravation and gore, enough for the whole series.

The subject is bad, it gets worse and makes no sense. I wonder if the actors take this crap seriously.

For fuck sake Edward doesn't even kill anyone. Even Keanu Reeves stabbed fucking Dracula for having more talent than him and stealing his girl and that kind of stuff.

And by the way Keanu has a vampire foursome

In your face!

In conclusion

Guys don't want to see this movie because the characters are idiots and basically are the stereotype of the nerd who's ass you kick in high school. Then the characters act like psychos. The movie implies pedophillia and acts of violence way beyond ripping a dude's ribs out and shoving them up his ass one at a time.

Also guys don't like their girlfriends going crazy for some gay emo looking dude with a shiny pecker. oh and they do. It appers women are very attracted to the misterious type. No surprises here but this guy ...

Sure, women convince themselves that he's doing all in the name of love and he has a cold heart and it's beating for her. And that's it. That's the only reason. Women have such an obscure view of romance that they consider that getting pounded while making love is ok as long as their boyfrinds love them.

Robert Pattinson is so god damn "attractive" because he portrais this cold being with enough heart to love and the courage break the boundaries between consumer and main course. It would be like you falling in love with your thanksgiving turkey.

You'd hit that right?

You'd hit that right?

Actually if he were to be your avergae Joe he wouldn't be so hot now would he? Teen girls and more mature women with the intelectual of a teen girl and appreciation of male looks at the same level, go apeshit over his eyes. I mean there can't be a more beautiful pair of eyes can there?

Nope. It just ain't chagrin

Oh alright, you shouldn't believe that beauty is on the outside. It's what inside that matters. And apparently Pattison's character has them both. He's the perfect guy. But that's wrong. A good looking guy is aware of his attractivness and eventually will do something to hurt you or even leave you all alone in the middle of the fucking forest. The attraction towards Pattison comes simply from the association between him and Edward.

Even more, the female fans of Twilight probably identify themselves in Bella, not necessarily in personality but in behavior and struggle. So they want someone to help them instead of struggling themselves to find a way out of their depression or better yet the boredom of everyday life.

The female presence messing things up is great in a movie as long as it complicates the plot, thus adding to the tension. Being fucking retarded is completely different.

Bella messes things up but not in a good way. The demon child conceived from her bored ovules and Edward's glowing semen is born mostly because she apparently woke him up by tripping and falling. Now that's complicated.

I wonder how the movie would have came out if the girl was more competent and...you know, fuking hot. Guys want that. We believe vampire chicks have the ability to seduce us or even if they don't, they're so fucking beautiful, mysterious and sexi that we would drop out weapons, let them capture us and then suck us dry ... even of blood if they wanted.

Admit it. You'd die happy

By the time the movie is over guys have a different view of the damsel in distress and feel more badass than a vampire concerning the fact that the vampire they just saw is a gay guy with a shiny pecker.

It's a movie guys will see and wish they would have done something better like going to the gym or something else ...

Let's go see Twilight

I can't, I have to go help my mother make meatloaf

So that's it. Guys hate Edward for bringing a bad name to vampirism, Bella for being ... Bella, weak plot, no action, the fact that the fucking wolves have bigger balls than the so called vampires and other than the fact that the movie is bad, it's also boring and then turns into a class B horror movie.

Oh and about the sparkling thing. This is the only reasonable explanation I could find:

Hey Edward! I learned a new spell from the 70s disco age. Wanna see?

With all this, us guys really hope this story, this long fucking story has a happy end. Something like ...