Noble Gases

Noble gases are chemicals that have the same attitude towards reacting as Cracked has to giving up dick jokes for Lent. They're all different, and scientists have detailed explanations why (we're talking about the gases).

Nothing like this, actually.

Just The Facts

  1. Noble gases are on the right of the Periodic Table, making them stuck-up dicks.
  2. Their names all end in "-on". Except Helium. Because convention sucks.
  3. Xenon is fucking amazing.

Why they're noble

Imagine a nucleus is a hippie, and electrons are flies. Noble gases have enough flies so that the ones on the outside are in a group of eight. while most hippies and their flies will interact with each other in various flavors of "man" and "dude", eight flies means that these hippies are emo hippies and will sit all by themselves. And we have no idea why.

You can't OWN a Linkin Park CD, man.

What they do

There are a bunch of them. Helium, Neon, and that's as far as we can get without looking at a periodic table. Then there's Argon, Krypton, Xenon, Radon, Pokemon, Hard-on...How about we stop. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Helium is the stuff you breathe before you karaoke a Mariah Carey song, Neon is in colorful lights, Argon is in regular lights, Krypton kills superman, Xenon gives the periodic table an X, and Radon gives you cancer.

When they're not

Neon and Helium are determined to stay apathetic about reactions. The rest of them, however, decided that they coulnt' take it after a while and went to go get laid by some other chemicals. Usually fluorine, which is the periodic table's slut. Argon is in one known compound, and Krypton will do just about anything if you stick it in a deep-freeze.

Xenon is so into the chemical business that sometimes it forgets it's a noble gas: It has oxygen compounds that like to explode, and fluorine-oxygen compound that likes to explode, and fluorine compounds that when touching water like to explode. Xenon also works as anesthetic, which means knockout gas, and chemists can bond it whatever they damn well want--there's organic stuff with Xenon in it. Hey, this element is kind of awesome.