A common misconception is that Jack Daniels No. 7 is a Tennessee sipping whiskey. In reality it's a train whose only stops are Nashville, jail, and Hell. In that order.
The Nashville/Jail/Hell Express. The engineer looks like the bad guy from "Raising Arizona"
Jack features premium yeast, cave drawn water, and top quality corn. It does not feature the yeast from a do-it-yourself bread kit, 6 gallons of tub water, and several cans of Del Monte cream corn.
Jack's iconic square bottle never originally held mayonnaise.
Jack will only render you blind if you break the bottle and jab it into your face.
Jack is distilled to a consistent 40 percent alcohol, whereas grandpa's home blend could unclog a stopped up sink, which we have to admit, is a point for grandpa.
Jack Daniels ceased production during prohibition. Your grandfather, meanwhile, owns an invoice signed by Al Capone.
A glass of Jack no. 7 makes listening to a Hank Williams record more authentic. A glass of grandpa's homemade 'shine makes the experience MUCH more authentic.
Both Jack and Grandpa will leave a gaping hole in your memory which will no doubt hide one of the more eventful nights of your life.
The Jack Daniels website includes a curious section that features recipes, in an apparent attempt to kill people by including their oak-soaked gasoline in every facet of every meal. However, to the great dismay of boozehounds and aspiring Topic page writers everywhere, many of the recipes featured don't actually include Jack Daniels as an ingredient. If nothing else, we here at Cracked take pride in our ability to correct other people, so we will adjust one of the recipes off the Jack Daniels site to include the Old No. 7. To save time, we will type the recipe up in real time as we prepare it.
APPLE CRISP COFFEE CAKE (CRACKED REVISION)
Needs more whiskey...
The Tennessee Squire Association (TSA) is a group of people from the 16th state who love 80's arena rock staple Billy Squier.
Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
Okay, we totally made that up, although I'm sure many members of the TSA have an appreciation for the crowd-pleasin' sounds of Mr. Squier. Especially since they drink a lot. In fact, that's the common denominator to become a member: drink obscene levels of Jack Daniels hooch. Many groups like the Elks, Shriners, and Junior Achievement, do a lot of community service to distract the public from their real reason for existing, which is to assemble in a large room and drink heavily. The TSA cuts out the crap, and goes directly to the inebriation part of the program. That's not to say the Squires don't do a lot of community service, it's just that theirs is almost always court-appointed.
Pictured: Former Black Sheep guitarist and Tennessee Squire Slash getting run over by a car he was driving
As a member of the TSA, you are entitled to some benefits... no, we need to word that better... as a member of the TSA, the club inundates you with garbage. Primary among the crap is a deed to a mysterious plot of land located somewhere within the Jack Daniels compound. Information on the plot is fleeting, so we have to make wild assumptions about its true nature:
The secret ingredient in Jack Daniels Single Barrel Whiskey
Here is a small gallery of other, actual junk Tennessee Squires have received over the years as "benefits" of being members of a club run by drunks:
A miniature sculpture made from poop
A collection of godawful music from singing legend Winifred Smith
28 black-eyed peas plus cooking instructions. I Gotta Feeling this gift is really stupid.
A lump of crap in a dirty, cut sock. Draw your own conclusions about the letter.