Robot Testicles

In Transformers 2, there is a robot character with Testicles. Here, we will break down this maturely, and discuss the philosophy behind it, redefining what constitutes as a living creature. Or we'll make masturbation jokes. It's a mixed bag, really.

Just The Facts

  1. Michael Bay released a movie containing a robot character with testicles.
  2. This changes the world, and is one step closer in an unlikely Rube Goldberg series of events leading to the fabled Judgement Day.
  3. Or it could be just an inmature joke put in to make the movie funny to it's key demographic (Those who legitimately like Larry the Cable Guy)

Robot Testicles.

People complain about children with violent video games, violent movies, violent toys, violent cartoons, and much more, but we assure you, the ethical complications arisen within Michael Bay's most recent cinematic adventure is much worse. We will now provide you with two words that will shake the moral foundation that your parents and possibly God have given you over the tenure of your life: Robot Testicles.

What was that? One more time for all the kids at home. Robot Fucking Testicles. The philosophical complications therein are mind blowing, so to simplify, we will break it down into four parts.

"Hey, you don't want to put a
towel on or something?"

1.) Why does a robot need testicles?

Now, simple biology dictates that this implies that the robots reproduce sexually, but we've only seen a robot vagina once, and it looked like a god damned Bear Trap. You'd have to have balls of steel to be brave enough to venture towards this angry beaver. We're not sure how many flowers or boxes of chocolates it takes for a "female" to activate the Pneumatic pumps to open her steel legs, but we're sure it's a terrifying, cold, unfeeling horrific piece of metal, so in retrospect, not that different from many girls we've been with.

Can you imagine how horrifying it's period is?

The scientific implications here are massive and will shake the core of biology, if a robot can produce sexually, it changes the perceptions of what is and is not "Alive". The definition of Living would have to change, and biology classes would have to re-think their curriculum! Apologies to Joan Rivers, because even then, she still wouldn't count, as she's the the only human being Earth has that lives in the Uncanny Valley.

Joan Rivers, at the G.I. Joe premier in August.

2.) If a robot has testicles, is there a robot puberty?

We've all been there, the awkward stage of life where you're changing from a boy to a man, or in this case, a small robot to an adult robot, but can you really picture Optimus Prime in that stage? Thick glasses, Robo-acne, awkwardly holding a trapper keeper with a picture of the robot equivalent of Weird Al hiding his hydraulic cylinder of an erection after seeing the robot that sits in front of him in Robot History 101's bra strap slip from under her gigantic robotic tank top? We can, and it's hilarious. It's the type of pop culture visual joke that Cracked is based off of. What about SkyNet coming coming home from grocery shopping early to find the look of horror on a young T-1000's face, as he's caught masturbating to a grainy video online of an iPod transferring files via FireWire? Should of locked the door, friend.

Guy gets off like a Water Jet Cutter.

3.) What do they hold?

That is the sixty-four thousand dollar question; if a robot has testicles, what does it ejaculate? Does it ejaculate motor oil? If motor oil is the robot orgasm, then that insinuates that our cars gets force fucked every three-thousand miles. We're not sure about you, but we're not very comfortable with that, VictoryOil. Us at Cracked are not above a shotgun wedding, but at the very least, you owe our vehicles some flowers.


If it's not oil, than what else could this cybernetic semen be? We're guessing it'd be much more logical for it to ejaculate some sort of liquid metal nano-technology to impregnate the ovulating female robot. Does your Penile Excrement look like the T-1000? Oh, it does? Please, don't ever masturbate, you're only dooming humanity with each deadly discharge.

The sunglasses are because he went Robo-Blind.
Also note the gloves covering the hairy palms

4.) How do you have Safe Sex with a robot?

Do you know how easy it is to get a computer virus? Robots know. Robots know very well: one in four have a virus, thank you very much, BitTorrent (BitTorrent is like the Robot's Craiglist, but the the Erotic Services section hasn't been closed down). Yes, you could program Abstinence into a robot, but that causes them to be in the dark towards most forms of protection, such as programed visectomies, Norton Birth Control, and robot condoms, which just exacerbates the whole issue. The robot condom is very simple: it's a FireWall. No, not the classic Bruce Willis action vehicle, but the very thing you turn off to get to your argueably illegal pornography (it doesn't matter what country it was filmed in, the country it's downloading in now doesn't appreciate Meerkats like you do).

A Neutered Robot, post vasectomy,
No more USB2.0 for you.

In Conclusion

Yeah, they're probably just put in there for a cheap laugh, it's not the start of robots producing sexually, it's not going to cause some sort of robot/human revolution seen in The Matrix or Terminator franchises, and we're probably just over thinking it.

...but what if we're not? They've already had their first casualties.

Seriously, they're like the physical
manifestation of sex incarnate