LeVar Burton

For those of you with brains > peanut butter, LeVar Burton is to humans what T-Rex is to dinosaurs (but with non-useless arms!)

Just The Facts

  1. LeVar Burton is best man.
  2. LeVar Burton has saved 13,199 people's lives, he has defeated all living and dead pro wrestlers, has unlocked the maximum achievements on all XBOX 360 games, and has slept with every woman with an attractiveness rating of higher than 6.5.
  3. Free Tibet! Just kidding - fuck a Tibet. We are talking about something more important here! LeVar Burton, bitches!

Why LeVar Burton Rules Whilst Other Entities Drools, or How I Met Your Fat Mother.

By reading this far, I can surmise something about you. Either (a) you already know how awesome LeVar Burton is, but will read something that blatantly exploits that love just because you enjoy seeing your beliefs confirmed (otherwise known as the Fox News effect), or you are the living embodiment of Brendan Fraser's character from Encino Man, and are just now learning what you have missed for the last few thousand years.

Documentary?

Documentary?

Either damn way, allow me to relay to you the splendor that is the life of LeVar Burton, without this turning into a variation on the Chuck Norris jokes (although I am prepared for that! Sample jokes: Q. What did LeVar Burton nickname his dick? A. The Beading Rainbow. Q. What is at the end of the Beading Rainbow? A. Geordi La Foreskin.)

LeVar Burton throws hands.

Many of you might not be aware of this, but all of LVB's characters are based on his real life. Basically, a lot of people have made a lot of money following him around and filming his everyday life, which goes like this1:

10:30 am: Roll over in bed, groan, and push the stripper off the bed, where she lands like a lump of mud on the 6 inch shag. Groggily reach for half-empty bottle of Gentleman Jack, and polish off remaining contents.

11:00 am: Step over snoring bodies of passed-out strangers, turning those that are on their backs to their sides, so as to prevent death by vomit-drowning.

11:12 am: Walk into special, empty room in mansion, and begin talking about the magical adventures one can have when one opens a book (and more importantly, takes a look).

"Wrong, dummy" - LeVar Burton.

"Wrong, dummy" - LeVar Burton

12:30 pm: Finish glorious tales of imagination, and leave room to the familiar sounds of yet another throbbing ravedisco. Dance with nearest celebrity.

1:15 pm: Meet with crew members of the very real USS Enterprise2 and go off to seek out new worlds etc.

Stardate 46239.6 (pm?): Invent something that for some known-only-to-God reason, is only ever used in this particular episode, and never mentioned again, even though it would be really, really useful in another situation. Seriously, all that technology and they don't keep records in the future? HOW MANY DIFFERENT TIMES DO THEY HAVE TO FIGURE OUT THE SAME WAY TO DETECT CLOAKED SHIPS? No? I'm the only who cares about this? Ok, sorry.

7:00 pm: Win at poker, make some world peace, save the environment, and just generally be the greatest person who has ever lived.

9:10 pm: He was also in Roots.

Make your own joke, if you think you got the stones.

Make your own joke, if you think you got the stones.

What LeVar Burton's REAL day is like (SPOILER ALERT: I made that earlier shit up).

Ok, for realsies, I do follow LeVar Burton on Twitter, and you can too: he is @levarburton. Since you motherfuckers3 keep saying I don't do any research for these topics4, allow me to demonstrate the back-breaking preparation I have put in, just to get ready to write this.

Presenting: Real life Twitter Updates (I'm not saying Tweets - you cannot make me) From LVB, and The Backstory Behind Them.

Now, no one has ever accused me of being a smart man, but what I do have is a perfect grasp of human psychology, a razor-sharp intellect, and the ability to extrapolate entire conversations from one single Twitter update (don't even think about it). So, I present to you, the reader, the actual conversation that must have taken place prior to this update5.

[LeVar Burton enters carpet store, stage left]

LVB: Good afternoon my fine purveyor of hand-knitted goods. I would like to purchase some of your WAREZ.

[The shopkeeper turns. He is a hunched-over, shifty old man, who is stereotypically rubbing his hands together with wild abandon]

Shopkeep: The fuck you say?

LVB: I said I'd like to buy one of your carpets...thought it might look-

Shopkeep: WHAT THE SHIT IS HAPPENING TO MY EYES?!!?
[It should be noted here that one of those little dinosaur monsters from Jurassic Park had just run by and spit acid in his eyes]
LVB: Let me lay my healing hands upon you child, and yea verily, arst thou saved.
Shopkeep: Thanks, bro [wipes eyes with back of sleeve, incredulously]. However, you still ain't getting dick for a discount. I hate black people, of which until I was temporarily blinded, I could see you are (were?).
LVB: Wait until I get home and tell the world of your nefarious ways.

MORAL OF THE STORY: The people at N. S. Manassian Oriental Carpets in Tarzana, CA are racist, lying, scumbags and poorly thought-out characters. A...deadly combination.

Seriously? The guy is hanging out with the cast of Star Trek, and I'm sitting in my room? What the fuck is wrong with my life?

[Pan from ceiling of dirty room, yellowed paint chipping off of cobwebbed walls. We see an obviously broken man, surrounded by styrofoam coffee cups in various stages of mold, head down in his folded arms, shaking with sobs.]

[Cut to loud club scene, where LeVar Burton is dancing with Gandhi and Christopher Titus]

LVB: [shouting to be heard over the ear-shatteringly loud club music] THE MOON IS AWESOME! I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY PEOPLE MADE IT TO A CLUB ALL THE WAY OUT HERE!

Christoper Titus: How the fuck did I get here?

Last Words

Now, after reading this, many of you are probably shaking your heads in disbelief (the Encino Men contingent). However, for any heretics out there who think that LeVar Burton isn't real, or that his accomplishments aren't Legend, I can say only this: "Want Tibet?"

Pow, bitches. POW.

Pow, bitches. POW.

Footnotes

1. FACT.

2. Ya'll didn't know that shit, didya? Truth be told, son.

3. Note from my high school English teacher: "You shouldn't insult your readers, and please try to cut down on the swearing". Well I say fuck you nutbag - what these simple-minded hillbillies don't know won't hurt 'em.

4. No one ever says this.

5. I will go to court to defend this fact. Please send all summonses to seanbaby or Brockway, since they are basically who I want to be.