Crocs
The most baffling contribution to footwear since the Reebok Pumps, these heat resistant hunks of colorful plastic have taken the world of fashion (trends that take less than a year to be embarrassing) by storm.
Just The Facts
- Made out of Croslite; some strange material wizards invented in an unknown distant world called "Canada"
- Was initially invented in hopes of becoming a mind control device. Instead it is worn by overweight people from the mid-west and South American tourists.
- Along with cockroaches, is the only thing that can survive a nuclear attack. At which point it will develop a mind of its own and become the most dominating species on Earth.
The Legend of Crocs
The Crocs Corporation is shrouded in secrecy. Its rainbow colored offices rarely emit much (beyond the occasional muffled screams). Among the foremost mysteries is the synthetic fiber that Crocs are made of: Croslite. Some say that under cover of night, founder George B. Boedecker built a gigantic galactic ship to traverse galaxies, before summoning all of his courage, traveling to "Canada" and freeing their people from the evil foam creation science project gone wrong. He hid the creature away in the mountains of Colorado far from the public eyes where it stays producing the genius money making machine that is "crosslite."
To this day many people have given their lives to travel to the valley in which the creature lies to collect its bounty, ship it to China, Mexico, Romania, and other cheap labor facilities for mass production.
Crocs and Escalators
The only known enemy of the Croc is the escalator. Born rivals, the escalators only means of attack are to attempt to devour the foot of anyone wearing the shoe. On many occasions, escalators have chewed up Caymans and spit up bloody human feet where they used to be. When the Croc makers grew weary as reports and law suits started pouring in from people who noticed their Croc wearing children missing toes they decided to do something.
Namely, they denied any wrong doing, blaming the makers of escalators for not foreseeing a retarded future where people wear porous rubber slippers to the mall. Their defense that escalators are "unsafe," and that escalator safety is a BIG issue was unsuccessful when they were unable to get the case tried in jurisdictions governed by the laws of urban legends.
The Legacy Continues Against its Own Will
In the past year rumors have circulated that Crocs has hit a bit of a rough patch in its worldwide takeover of the shoe industry. With debt accumulating, warehouses stock piled with the non biodegradable wonder shoe, and an economic down turn many worried it would be the end. But as Napoleon said "A man will fight harder for his interests than for his rights."
Note: Crocs should not be worn on the battlefield.
Fortunately with savvy marketing, a "fashionable" line for women who don't leave the house much, the addition of specialty shoes for nursing, diabetics and cooks, the company has thus far stayed solvent. For now at least.
Crocs or Pussy. You can't have both.
ReplyOr dick. Either way you're not getting any if you wear crocs.
crocs are BAD but absolutely NOTHING matches the tacky horror of UGG boots
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesTo be honest I love it when I see women wearing them, I think its hot.
OwainLlewellyn, you must only bang overly promiscuous teenage girls 'cause they are the only people who wear that shit!
I received a pair of UGGs as a gift a few years ago, when the trend was at its peak. It was winter, and I thought, "Aw, what the heck, they'll at least be warm." So out I trudged into 10 degree weather. After about ten minutes of walking around outside, in the snow, so much sweat had poured from my feet that I began feeling dehydrated, and my feet don't generally sweat much. Needless to say, the shoes were promptly discarded. To this day, whenever I see a young girl in the spring, summer, or fall wearing the abominations designed for warming human feet in absolute zero temperature, I try not to imagine the execrable smell those things must give off when the shoe is removed.
aw come on! uggs feel like teddy bears on your feet, instant pickmeup
They're incredibly comfortable. I don't wear them as everyday footwear, but they're great if I'm camping or canoeing. Nothing feels better after hours of tramping around in hiking boots.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesWHAT?! screw you and your camping and canoeing...
Lol f*g
I wear hi-tops, because they're comfortable and don't make me look like a total douche.
This is exactly the kind of douchebaggery that the author is trying to warn us about.
cockroaches are actually one of the first things to die in the fall out of a nuclear explosion
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesCockroaches aren't invulnerable to fall out, it's just they have a high immune system against radiation.
Also their name is quite hilarious xD cock-roach... really, it sounds like the STD crabs, but mutated
"Cockroaches do indeed have a much higher radiation resistance than vertebrates, with the lethal dose perhaps 6 to 15 times that for humans."
So if the cockroaches are one of the first things to die...that means we should die years before nuclear holocaust? XD
Croc-roaches should be the first thing to die out.
cockroaches are among the first insects to die, while the fruit fly are the real radiation-proof insects.
to those saying cockroaches will die first: put one in a mircowave...turn it on, and watch it crawl around like it's nothing.... truly scary stuff.
Everyone will remember crocks, but will no one remember Jellies? The plastic shoes of the 80s that looked like tiny jungle gyms & left feet looking like the flesh on a Giraffe's neck.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesI've been screaming at everyone that Crocs are just the second coming of Jellies, but nobody seems to know what I'm talking about. At least the girls I knew only wore them to the pool.
Maybe we're just old.
From the 80s? Man, I have a pair NOW. And I love them.
I'm an 80s baby and definitely remember jellies! Just like Crocs, they only belong on children under 12.
hell, I was born in the 90's and I remember Jellies. I had a pink pair when I was little... I lost one at a pool once, but my cousin helped me find it. XD but crocs are terrible...
Biggie raps about Jellies. The world should remember,
Whats the 80's?
Years ago a friend of mine came over with bright green crocs on before they'd ever taken off. None of us had ever heard of them and were openly mocking his ridiculous footwear. He swore they were exceptionally comfortable and "the next big thing." He was completely right about the latter, but I've never tried one on and don't plan to.
ReplyI've tried them on and can't see me wearing them longer than 20 minutes. I still can't figure out what's so comfortable about them. I have a pair of slip on sandals that are infinitely more comfortable and worth the price.
they're injection molded EVA foam. that's all.
ReplyI have an injury that left me with limited range of motion and a moderate amount of pain in my hips. I occasionally wear Crocs - I have one brown pair of plain Caymans - because they are relatively cheap and more comfortable than the orthopedic shoes I need to wear on "bad" days. I think they are as ugly as sin and pretty sweaty to wear, but I balance that with actually being able to walk and put up with the humiliation.
ReplyI was absolutely confused when they became a fashion statement. I still consider them as ugly as any other orthopedic shoe, and never wear them anywhere where a nice shoe is required. I still prefer a good hiking boot or supportive sneaker, it's just that sometimes I have days where even bending over to tie a shoe hurts, and Crocs make those days easier. Why anyone thinks these things are cool is beyond me. Truly unfashionable monsters.
And that kid is BACK ON THE ESCALATOR!
ReplyHa ha, old school.
This article had me laughing the entire time. The first chart is by far one of the best I've seen on cracked.
ReplyI can't get over the fact that the ad for this article is for Crocs.
Replythat's because ads are chosen based on the things you click on or search for.
that chart was gold
ReplyOkay, I don't own any Crocs, but just out of curiosity I went to the "Health Benefits of Crocs" link below the article. The person who wrote the article called Airwalks a no-name brand! I was like WTF. For some reason, that just annoyed the hell out of me. I had freaking Airwalks when I was in high school in the late 90s and they were really nice shoes. Crazy writer, doesn't even know what he's (she's?) talking about.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesParents only buy airwalks for kids when they want them to be raped at school.
Airwalks was a name brand when I was in junior high, but now they have gone to shit. The shoes are really low quality and are only sold at Payless.
It's on AssociatedContent, they used to troll here with a user called "ronnoC" or "Connor"
I remember begging for a pair of neon pink crocs.I've recently lit that very same pair on fire...
ReplyIs that when you realised what Crocs actually look like?
I'm proud that despite my lack of fashion sense that I've never owned a pair and probably never will. Or maybe I will in 15 years when people at least know that I'm doing it to be ironic
ReplyWhat about gauchos, or whatever the heck they were called? People're probably still wearing them.
ReplyGauchos are a kind of trouser, as far as I know.
Hey! I don't know if the "worn by South-American tourists" was completely a joke or what but at least in Argentina nobody wears them, and I don't think that going to America is going to make somebody want to start wearing them there. From our viewpoint, the suck too! And crcos won't be the dominant species in the post-apocalyptic future, BTW. Roaches have been anticipating their forecoming centuries ago, and they will be prepared to rule the earth when the time has come.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesWell when Americans go to other countries, they feel they have to start wearing hawaiian shirts.
lmao, skorne!
Yeah, nikito370 is right, here in Argentina nobody wears them- they are hideous.
@Skorne: LOL! Do they do this when they go to... the Alps, for example?
"When it comes to shoes, there are usually three deciding factors: quality, price, and style. Some shoes are cheap and stylish, but poor quality, while others are stylish and durable, but expensive. Crocs usually go for $30-$60, which doesn't sound like much for a shoe, until you consider that what you're really paying for are melted pellets squirted into a cast-iron mold in some province in China. Crocs have the rare combination of being expensive, poor quality, and ugly. It's quite a feat for one shoe to suck this bad.
ReplyPeople who wear Crocs go on and on about how comfortable they are, and how it's supposedly odor resistant because it's made out of some kind of anti-bacterial foam. Great point, dipshits! You know what else it's resistant to? You getting laid. " - Maddox
Questions? No? Good.
I hate those shoes. They are horrible things to be unleashed upon the world. Trends like this make me stop feeling bad about being mistaken for a boy because of how I dress.
ReplyHey. f**k you guys! Crocs may look retarded but they f*****g comfortable. But over all your right about them.
Reply