New Moon

New Moon is an extremely popular film, the second in the Twilight saga, that embraces everything from beastiality to pedophilia, and whose target audience is teenage girls.

If it only opened on December 22, 2012...*sigh*

Just The Facts

  1. New Moon is the second of four in the Twilight series.
  2. This movie made more money on opening day than The Dark Knight.
  3. That obviously means that males are becoming the minority.
  4. Which means less competition. Sweet.


There's no point for any long introductions. We all know what New Moon is. Unfortunately for some of us, more specifically, people with penises, we will be forced to sit through this and will have to endure an annoying punch from the girl you're with every time you doze off as she shouts "Are you watching?!" Last Friday, I was offered the opportunity to go see it when one of my friend's friends bailed (imagine that), and after much contemplation, along with making sure I had enough body hair to compensate for the man-cards I would lose, I decided to give it a shot. Below, in laymen's terms, are my observations. And please, girls who throw bricks through my window every time I say something negative about the Twilight series: I'm writing this from the perspective of someone who isn't in love with Edward Cullen and hasn't read the books, nor ever will.

The Story

New Moon begins when Bella Swan, who's played by a girl that looks like a guy in Panic Room, has a dream about being old. Because that's what girls dream about before they've met me. Anyway, she has a birthday party, which is attended by a bunch of vampires, including Hot Vampire, Hippy Vampire, Milf Vampire, and Nautica Model Vampire. She gets cut, because apparently paper has the same effect as a razor blade, and this dude, let's just call him Serial Killer Vampire, tries to eat her. Then Edward, deciding that Bella isn't safe around them and is better off to fend for herself against the Semi-Hot Vampire who had her man killed in the first one who, for some reason, they forgot about.

Then some things happen, but I was too busy playing Texas Hold 'Em on my cell phone to figure out what, but I will say that every time I looked up Bella was crying, so maybe she was watching Bambi or something. I think there was something with them at a movie, which is one of those weird paradox things, you know, we're watching you watch a movie, kind of like how Stephen Colbert has all those pictures of himself looking at himself. Except not as cool.

Oh and there's something about vampires and werewolves hating each other and fighting all the time. I personally, don't understand why the vampires have such a tough time with this. I mean, if I were a vampire fighting werewolves, I would just like feed them some chocolate or something. That'll take care of them.

Anyway, Bella reunites with Adam Lambert Werewolf, who, since the previous movie has decided to hit the gym, cut his hair, wax his eyebrows and start running around with his shirt off, all the while hanging out with other guys with their shirts off. You know, manly, straight guy stuff. Suddenly, Bella decides she loves Adam Lambert Werewolf and has to reassess her feelings for Edward, whose name I can remember because it's my dad's. Thus, New Moon teaches young ladies one of many valuable lessons:

-If a guy is average looking, don't give him a second glance. -If a guy suddenly gets hot, cocky, and starts running around with his shirt off, by all means fall in love with him.

Pictured: Straight guys.

So Adam Lambert Werewolf and his other werewolf buddies start protecting Bella from Semi-Hot Vampire and Black Vampire and doesn't spend much time with her, because, you know he's trying to save her f*cking life. Nonetheless, she gets bored and decides to jump off a cliff. Which is exactly what I do when I get bored. In Grand Theft Auto IV. And it usually involves jumping out of a helicopter and seeing which buildings I can splatter my virtual body on. And drunken laughter. Straight guy stuff.

Edward, thinking Bella is dead, because he's too lazy to, you know, investigate the apparent death of someone he's supposed to love, and because he figures that no girl could possibly go on living without him, decides to go to Italy and visit some Da Vinci Code Vampires, who have like magic powers or something. They're basically like the dons of the vampire mafia. He asks the Da Vinci Code Vampires to kill him, but they don't in time, since Bella and Hippy Vampire make it there in time to stop him.

Blah blah blah, Edward and Bella get back together, providing yet another valuable lesson for you impressionable teenage girls out there:

-If a guy dumps you, then you find another guy who treats you better, but your ex suddenly wants you back (for some reason, hmm…), then take him back! Everyone wins! Except for like that better guy. But hey, screw him and his chivalry! I have a few ex-girlfriends who are obviously Twilight fans.


Now that you know what happens, here's my take: F*ck you, New Moon.

I won't try to hide the fact that I genuinely enjoyed the first Twilight movie, but that's because it looked to be aiming for a broader audience, seemingly trying to reach a demographic that didn't just include shallow teenage girls. New Moon, on the other hand, gives into the Twilight stereotype so much that it ends up as an extended Hollister commercial that, if you don't have a vagina and braces, will find cringe-worthy. The movie promotes fighting over guys, both of which can kill you, while whining about not being able to make up your mind. Hell, if I was Edward or Adam Lambert Werewolf, I would've just said, "Dude, screw this chick, let's just go hit the bar." Of course, that would imply that Taylor Lautner, who is SEVEN-F*CKING-TEEN, would actually have a shirt and shoes on.

When I say this, I'm being dead serious: New Moon sends all the wrong messages to young girls who will inevitably try to imitate it, creating a generation of girls with false ideas that will end up manipulated by genuinely bad people who will take advantage of their gullibility.

Okay, back to being funny. All in all, New Moon seems like the epitome of Stephanie Meyer's erotic fantasy that she's disguised as a book for teenage girls. Think I'm wrong? Okay, then why is Edward 17, instead of 18? There are 18-year-olds in high school, so it wouldn't be a big deal. But no. Instead, New Moon is essentially just Stephanie Meyer's cougar pedophilia fantasies justified by making the object of her affection (and naughty dreams) an immortal. I could be wrong. But I like that explanation the best.