You remember that one guy from high school that just made the worst life decisions possible? He's met his match.
Just The Facts
- Matt McNamara is the son of a successful plastic surgeon, and the biological son of his partner.
- Despite this, Matt has gone on to live a healthy and relatively problem free life.
- No he hasn't
Who is he?
Matt Mcnamara is a character on the FX show Nip/Tuck played by John Hensley. Matt has not led a good life. In fact, from the beginning, when faced with a decision where there is a choice between right and wrong, Matt chooses an entirely different option, "What would Gary Busey do?" Here's a rundown of Matt's life and problems, though the two terms are pretty interchangeable.
MATT CUTS OFF PART OF HIS OWN DICK
Starting off with a bang.
While in high school, Matt begins to feel self conscious that he is not circumcised, feeling his girlfriend will not be too fond of such things, and pleads to his father, plastic Surgeon Sean Mcnamara, to perform the surgery for him. Sean refuses, and instead of taking the rational second option (rational isn't big with Matt) of going to another surgeon, he decides that google is a good enough place to find a "How to Circumcise yourself" manual. Of course this plan goes to shit when Matt decides to prison shank his own penis into a bloody mess.
This, without the bun
So after disfiguring the shit out of himself, Matt realizes that his girlfriend is actually a lesbian, any young man's dream, and begins to have threesomes with her and her girlfriend until the parents get involved and end it.
MATT GETS BAKED AND HITS A GIRL WITH A FUCKING CAR
Shortly after managing to fuck up the fantasy every teenage boy has ever had, Matt decides to try a little bit of weed with a friend. Ok a lot. A shitload if you will. Matt and his friend then decide to go for a ride and end up hitting a girl who just happened to be in the middle of the fucking road. Faced with the option of calling an ambulance or just leaving her there, Matt of course chooses to get the hell out of there, but then visits this girl he has never even spoken to in the hospital to keep the suspicion off of him.
Quick word of advice: If you happen to say, kill a complete stranger (we've all been there), don't show up at the funeral and cry like you were their goddamn mother. That doesn't make people think you were a friend, it makes them think you did it (you fucking retard).
MATT GETS A LIFE COACH, WHACKS IT OUTSIDE OF HER HOUSE, FUCKS HER, FINDS OUT SHE WAS A GUY
Like I said, Matt isn't exactly the king of decision making skills. After he blames his friend for the hit and run, fucking perjuring himself in the process, Matt is forced by his parents to see a life coach named Ava.
She can coach...ah fuck it, insert sexual joke here.
In exchange for doing well in school, Ava offers Matt sex. Not possessing a functioning brain, Matt decides to sidestep the whole school part by just yankin it outside of her house, not even hiding, and gets arrested.
Matt, clearly incapable of human contact that doesn't involve sex or genital mutilation, begins a relationship with a girl who loves both. Ava is in fact a man who had a sex change operation and is involved in an incestual relationship with her son, because Matt really knows how to pick winners. Instead of believing his parents when they inform him of Ava's true identity, Matt decides to just deny it and run away with her. This doesn't quite work out for one reason or another, as these sorts of relationships don't, and she gets on a plane to Paris never to return.
MATT BEATS UP A TRANNY, DATES A SKIN HEAD, BECOMES A SKIN HEAD
Are you starting to see a trend here? After finding out Ava was a transsexual, Matt goes to a transsexual bar and decides to take out his frustration on a complete stranger, beating her/him senseless.
The well of good life choices he is, Matt's next logical step is to date a white supremacist who comes from a family of white supremacists. After a couple of kooky misadventures with the Nazi, Matt becomes friends with the tranny who he beat on (and had the shit beaten out of him by in turn). This obviously does not please the Nazi and her father, who forces Matt to (basically relive his own circumcision and) cut off the transexual's penis.
This, without the fries.
MATT SLEEPS WITH A PORNSTAR, GETS HER PREGNANT, MARRIES HER, BECOMES A SCIENTOLOGIST
After his little adventure into the old TV trope of Neo-Nazis, He-She's, and a good old dick chop, Matt decides to tune it down a notch, for about a week. He runs into former porn star and now Scientologist Kimber Henry, former lover of Matt's biological father and business partner of his real father, Christian Troy. (I know it's a clusterfuck of relationships, but try to keep up.) Guess what Matt does?
Two completely sane adults
If you guessed "says hi to her and moves on", then you're an idiot. If however you said "he start's a relationship with her, almost immediately converts to scientology, gets her pregnant and marries her", then holy shit, nice guess.
MATT LOSES ALL HIS MONEY, GETS ADDICTED TO METH, BLOWS HIMSELF UP, FUCKS HIS OWN SISTER
Did you read that title? I know what happens and I'm amazed by it. Matt comes to Los Angeles to ask his father(s) for money, as he gave all of his 250,000 dollars given as a nest egg to scientology. They give him some money, and he responds by buying meth for him and Kimber to smoke while their baby is in the room, because Matt is also a model parent. After Kimber takes the baby and leaves Matt in return for plastic surgery from Christian, Matt turns to his family and friends for support. Nah, just kidding, he starts a meth lab in a motel room and blows himself to hell.
Its like the kid is auditioning for the fucking Darwin awards.
The pinnacle of success
After a grueling rehab during which Matt falls in love with his rehab counselor, a woman who was horribly burned in a terrorist bombing, and who dumps him, Matt meets a beautiful young girl who has come to LA to have a large birthmark removed, and the two sleep together (read: fuck like rabbits). Matt then learns that this girl really came to LA to find her father, Christian Troy who if you remember from before, is also Matt's father. Finding out a girl you just had sex with is your sister is a revelation that would bother most people, but not our Matty. He continues his relationship with her until it is yet again broken up by the parents.
(SPOILER WARNING) MATT BECOMES A MIME, FAILS MISERABLY, REASONABLY TURNS TO A LIFE OF CRIME
The most recent episode in the saga of Matt McNamara came in the lamest form possible, miming. Matt takes classes in miming and takes to beachside performing. Naturally this goes terribly, as people don't even want to see mimes when they're good. Matt decides the next best thing to miming is robbery, and proceeds to hold up several stores in mime makeup with a prop gun. One of the robberies goes bad, and Matt is wounded by a shotgun wielding clerk. After seeking help from his ever-forgiving family, Matt goes on the run, rips his stitches, asks for help from his parents again and is eventually caught and arrested.
If only he'd put up a fight.