The Departed

Though details are sketchy, it is theorized that The Departed (hereby known as "The Depahted") came to be after screenwriter William Monahan watched the Infernal Affairs trilogy whilst consuming five pints of Jameson, moderated with speedballs of coke. It was picked up by Scorsese, a man whose work has long been associated with the Italian-American community, and who sometime prior to 2005 became utterly fascinated by the drunken, self-destructive tendencies of Bostonian Irish-Americans.

The Depahted centres on three characters:

William "Billy" Costigan:

Arnie Grape is all grown up. And he's pissed.

Continuing his creative collaboration/bromance/undeniably badass love affair with Martin Scorsese, Leo DiCaprio grows out some scruff--what little he can manage--and starts dropping his r's to play The Depahted's tragic hero, undercover cop Billy Costigan. 2006 was a good year not only for Scorsese but DiCaprio as well, with the latter scoring critical acclaim as a white Zimbabwean mercenary in Blood Diamond. As Billy Costigan, however, DiCaprio comes close to being one of the few normal characters in The Depahted battered on both sides by Mark Wahlberg and Jack Nicholson (only slightly less uncomfortable than a Zulu circumcision ceremony).

Colin Sullivan:

Matt Damon, practically begging you to punch him.

Matt Damon IS Colin Sullivan, a prick, a cop, a secretly an Irish mob goon. Now, Matt Damon's a likeable guy, whether he be a genius janitor, an amnesiac super-soldier or a retarded marionette. In The Depahted, however, Damon that is guy you knew in high school who, while he wasn't a jock or even possessing a single redeeming quality was somehow the most popular guy in your class. And you hated him. Hated him. Damon ratches it up yet another notch by being slimy mob rat, but but that's almost besides the point.

Frank Costello:

As Frank Costello, Jack Nicholson is basically redoes his take on the Joker but sans makeup. Costello is quite possibly the most ridiculous mob boss in cinematic history though, as some sort of weird cosmic joke, only slightly more ridiculous than James "Whitey" Bulger, the actual Boston crime lord upon which Costello is based. While there are so many examples you could use to describe his borderline insanity, it's more effective to think of him as your "cool" uncle, except flabby, disgusting and off his meds. So, Christmas.

With its numerous characters, five act structure and a wide arrange of unfortunate coincidences, plot twists and deaths, it's understandable to think of The Depahted as a modern-day Shakespearean work. However, possibly due to Martin Scorsese's cinematic directing style, or possibly due to how much uncut cocaine Jack Nicholson snorted the day of filming, cinematic scholars are still divided as to whether this film should be considered a tragedy or a hilarious, hilarious comedy. Consider, for example:

Alec Baldwin:

In the 90s, Baldwin received critical acclaim for his intense, hard-boiled performances in Glengarry Glen Ross and Malice. With his reputation secured, Baldwin realized he could take on literally any role, regardless of its inanity, and pull it off with universally sound reception. Scholars are tentatively referring to this period in an actor's career as the "Jack Nicholson stage." In The Depahted, one can watch Baldwin act like a hilarious jackass for two and a half hours--grabbing his balls, shoving his face in ice water, telling Matt Damon to fuck himself, etc.--and still think he's given a shit. It's amazing, really.

Mark Wahlberg:

Just to reiterate...

See that? That's Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberg circa 1991. One shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but just try to imagine travelling back to the Grunge era and telling a board of Hollywood execs that in a decade this man would be raking in the cash. A more creative writer might introduce an analogy beginning with, "That'd be like..." but no writer is that creative. No offense to Mr. Wahlberg--after all, he helped break the actor-rapper barrier long before Eminem and Fiddy did--but a decade and a half ago, did anyone really picture Marky Mark receiving an Oscar nomination in a Martin Scorsese film? In light of this, it's a wise idea to start placing bets on which Beastie Boy will take home a statuette in the next Michael Mann flick.

There's no real punchline here, just saying that it's difficult to watch the movie and not laugh while thinking about the wonderful, wonderful absurdity of it all. That and he drops a couple of c-bombs.

Of course, what would an Irish-themed movie be without excessive, self-destructive alcohol consumption? After all, it certainly fueled William Monahan's writing process (see above). And so, from the makers of Slap a Bitch, Take a Shot: The Official Dynasty Drinking Game comes not one but three Depahted-centric drinking games. Recommended beverages include Jameson Irish Whiskey, the Glenlivet or the strained tears of your horribly abused domestic partner.

Street Fighting Man: With Irish-Americanness comes pure, unbridled physical passion, which nine times out of ten manifests in blind, swinging rage (the remaining one is fuckin'). Take a shot every time a fist fight breaks out on screen. Take two if Marky Mark (sans Funky Bunch) is somehow involved.

Cue the Dropkick Murphys aaaannnndddd go!

H-H-H-Headshot: As said, The Depahted is remarkably Shakespearean in its structure, and thus its final act is consumed with tragic (or hilarious) violence. However, since this is set in Boston circa 2006 rather than medieval Denmark there's a lot less nancy-pancy stabbing and more nine mils between the eyes. Knock one back whenever someone's head goes back and to the left.

Somewhere, someone is growing ever closer to inebriation.

Whacko Jacko: Remember, everybody's favourite unincarcerated Hollywood nutjob is portraying Frank Costello, and so there's no shortage of Jacko acting like a disgusting, morbidly hilarious monster--in other words, not really acting at all. Whenever Frank Costello casually waves around a severed hand, strolls into a room with blood up to his elbows or does anything similar, you know what to do.