This manual is intended for interstellar travellers who wish to visit EARTH. The analysis draws on information found on an intra-planetary data system known as the INTERNET. The inhabitants of the planet are hereby referred to as HUMANS.
According to preliminary statistical data derived from "the Internet", the primary sexual organs of human beings are in fact external. Male HUMANS rely on a domesticated bird in their reproductive actions, whereas female HUMANS make use of a juvenile quadruped feline. However, it is unclear how often "Rooster" interacts with "Kitten", as textual analysis reveals that the possibility for male-female reproductive contact is LOW.
According to Internet content analysis, most reproductive behaviour appears to take place between two female HUMANS. The process is initiated by the females rubbing their tongues together. One of them then proceeds to release a strange gooey substance from her rear into a cup, and the females then exchange the substance orally. The substance is believed to contain baby essence.
The maternity ward.
As of yet, it is unclear whether male HUMANS enjoy or envy the action.
Probing has often been used as a preferred method of contacting HUMANS by several galactic species. Theoretical framework for the protocol suggests that combining the HUMAN fascinations of scary things and anal sex, would give them ultimate pleasure. To guarantee maximum satisfaction for HUMANS, please follow these steps:
1. HUMANS to be probed should be violently taken by surprise. Night-time abductions appear to be most effective. Disguising as barn owls is not advised (it is, however, encouraged).
2. When abducting HUMANS, be sure to turn on flashy lights and strange noise generators to console those HUMANS not currently undergoing abduction.
3. Data collection during probing is not relevant, it is important to focus on the activity itself. Don't forget to keep frightening the HUMAN throughout the process.
4. Rinse and repeat. Give souvenirs - beads, Orion star maps are acceptable.
In order to effectively communicate with larger groups of HUMANS outside of the deep south, HUMAN leaders should be identified. It can be difficult to determine whom HUMANS follow, but Twitter appears to bear some significance. However, Twitter has hitherto remained elusive (Probing might lure it in? Yes? No?)
Also, recent studies have shown the increased importance of Cars among HUMANS. Cars are used by male HUMANS in order to gain access to "Kitten", and in some cases, "Tail" [whose tail? Citation needed].
So far however, attempts to contact a Car have not been successful.
"My silence is a testimony of your unworthiness!"
Finding HUMAN leaders would also help make first contact more manageable, because when confronted alone, HUMANS tend to run around in panic, flail their arms, curl up in a corner and soil themselves. On the other hand, when confronted in large unhierarchical groups, HUMANS tend to run around in panic, flail their arms, curl up in a corner and soil themselves. Also, they might greet any extraterrestrial visitors with an indiscriminate hail of bullets, fire and feces.
Pretty much the worst case scenario.
HUMANS have ventured into space, most notably to their home planet's natural satellite, also known as the moon. However, after poking it with sticks and a failed attempt at creating fire, HUMANS lost interest in further space exploration.
"More like a giant *fap* for mankind - am I right or what!?!?"
HUMANS have made attempts at communicating with the Galactic Community, albeit most messages have curiously been directed at stars, instead of planets. HUMANS might still believe in life on suns [Is this true? Can someone check please? Ed.] The few HUMAN messages that have been intercepted do not appear to be intelligible. Also, they appear to be ferociously anthropocentric:
"Dick move, humanity - we're colorblind."
At least one message of peace and cooperation sent to Earth was received by the HUMANS, but was accidentally misinterpreted as light from Venus reflecting off swamp gas (or swamp light reflecting off Venus and gas). Despite official dismissals of the authenticity of the message, several religious sects committed mass suicide.
"Message received, our alien friends!"