Helen Keller

Helen Keller was a blind, deaf, and mute girl who was taught how to communicate by her teacher and, hopefully, lesbian partner Anne Sullivan. Kids learn about them in elementary school.

What elementary school should have been.

Just The Facts

  1. She sucked really bad at seeing, hearing, and speaking
  2. Helen's hips are capable of speech. This gives boners to the members of 3OH!3
  3. She was pretty liberal even by today's standards
  4. Many people see her as the ultimate instance of overcoming adversity
  5. She had breasts (seriously)

Cracked on Helen Keller

Helen was born in the Alabamian town of Tuscumbia at the tender age of zero. She was not born in her blind, deaf, and dumb state. Instead, at around 19 months, she contracted a congestion of the stomach and brain, which we assume caused her eyes and ears and mouth to simultaneously explode. Leading experts agree that this is "demonstrably badass" and "holy shit balls on a scrotum awesome" and we are inclined to agree.

Indeed, holy shit balls on a scrotum.

Indeed, holy shit balls on a scrotum.

This fever left her thrice-fucked in the face, and on top of no longer being able to say the previous phrase five times fast, she could not see or hear anything. Helen spent most of her childhood doing whatever the fuck she wanted. Most people attribute this to her not knowing any better, but those tools merely play into her grubby little hands. She merely learned from a young age that when people think you're retarded, they let you do retarded stuff, and so she lived happily.

Then Anne Sullivan came along.

Anne Sullivan succeeded in getting Helen to recognize a certain pattern of rubbing when water was being poured on her hands. We know that there is no way that this could be as hot as it sounds, but that's what imaginations are for damn it. Anyway, this breakthrough birthed a massive learning shit storm where education was being thrown around as freely as feces, and Helen was covered.

This is approximately how smart Helen Keller was

Helen eventually learned how to speak and gave what we're sure were ear-rapingly awful sounding speeches. She was also something of a political activist, and she even helped campaign for a socialist President. America responded in turn by forever remembering her forever as "that one deaf dumb and blind chick" or as "that one deaf dumb and blind chick that I'd like to bang."