American Pie

It is the eve of the millenium. The high school comedy has been dead for almost ten years, and the sex-starved Porky days are long gone from cinema.... enter the Wietz brothers' (and Adam Herz's) American Pie...

The film that led to multiple pastry rapes that continue to this day...

The most infamous character in the film...

The cheapest sex toy money can buy!

Just The Facts

  1. In addition to pastry rapes, American Pie led to humiliation for flute players everywhere
  2. American Pie launched the careers of everyone in the cast. Some didn't last(Chris Klein), some shouldn't have lasted(Jason Biggs), and some made us grovel for more(Shannon Elizabeth).
  3. American Pie may have more spin-offs and sequels than The Land Before Time

How The Sex-Driven High School Comedy Got Its Groove Back

The plot of American Pie is rather simple: Four friends conspire to lose their virginity on prom night. Between the making of this pact and its consummation, we get to see Seann William Scott drink splooge, Eddie Kaye Thomas taking a violent shit, Jason Biggs doing a striptease, and Chris Owen:

Coincidence, or three generations of the most misplaced chromosomes on the planet Earth? You decide.

Of course, we also get to see Shannon Elizabeth topless and masturbating. This makes up for everything.


Jim Levenstein (aka Jason Biggs, aka the character that Jason Biggs will play in every other fucking movie he's in)

Jim is the central character of the film. He is your average awkward, gawky teen with a heart of gold and brain of hormone-driven mush. Jim is the personification of all the guys in high school who couldn't talk to girls at all.

Christopher "Oz" Ostreicher (aka Nova, aka Chris Klein, aka Mugshot)

Your stereotypical jock who oddly enough doesn't pick on geeks like Jim, Oz seems the ladies' man until a potential conquest opens his eyes to how he needs to pay attention to the feelings of the women he gets with. He later joins the school chorus and falls in love with Heather, one of its members, due to a severe case of testiculas castratus.

Kevin Myers (aka Thomas Ian Nicholas)

The preppy "everyguy" whose goads his buddies into the pact. He is by far the least interesting character, so there's not much to be said, except that he's a step up from Calvin Fuller in A Kid in King Arthur's Court.

Paul Finch (aka Eddie Kaye Thomas, aka one of the few people in the cast who will have a marginally successful film career)

Actually having an IQ above 70, Finch is the most intelligent member of the core group. Finch is also an eccentric, only learning to shit in school his senior year. Finch also loves scotch, golf, Latin, and fucking the mothers of his enemies.

Steve Stifler (aka Seann William Scott)

Your typical jock asshole who always gets the girls, only a fictionalized version who suffers strikes from the hand of karma. He suffers the insanity-inducing pain of finding out that he has drunken splloge (provided by post-blowjob Kevin) and that his enemy, Finch, has fucked his mother.

Victoria "Vicky" Lathum (aka Tara Reid)

Kevin's high-maintenance girlfriend who refuses to have sex until everything is "perfect." Jesus wept. Not many bad things can be said about this character, though, as she is willing to go down on her boyfriend and reminds us of a time when Tara Reid knew how to keep her clothes under control.

Nadia (aka Shannon Elizabeth)

The sex symbol/foreign exchange stud34r03rjwe......damn, the drool fucked up my keyboard....

Heather (aka Mena Suvari, aka the other girl in the film with only one name)

The innocent choir chick who falls for Oz.... or at least goads him into chopping his testicles off...

Jessica (aka Natasha Lyonne)

Jessica is Vicky's sexually-experienced best friend. She also helps spread rumors about Finch's (fictional) impressive sexual prowess.

Michelle (ak...... ok seriously, dudes, you couldn't think of last names for these female characters?)

The geeky band member who by the end proves herself a formidable presence in bed. Also, one of the most creative masturbators in teen films.

Stifler's Mom (aka Jennifer Coolidge)

The coveted vixen whom every boy in the film's high school wants. She eventually takes Finch's virginity (cheekily to the sounds of Simon & Garfunkel's Mrs. Robinson. Really subtle, guys.)

Jim's Dad (aka Eugene Levy)

Jim's well-meaning but equally geeky father who awkwardly (and belatedly) attempts to school his son on the ways of sex. He is arguable the most famous and loved character of the series, having appeared in every one of the seven American Pie films. We attriubte this to a depletion of Levy fundage.