Mayan Calendar Predictions

Simultaneously a source of insight and circlefuck of confusion, this awesome-packed death clock not only lacks hands, but has also garnered inexplicable interest from the uneducated masses for ages.

Just The Facts

  1. December 21, 2012 is the last day of a 144,000 day cycle.
  2. The calendar was reputedly used to predict events, like births and zombie uprisings.
  3. The Sacred Round (pictured above) can also be used to cause blunt-force trauma.

Why 2012?

The end of an era, presumably defined by when the calendar's creators ran out of rock, is the source of more theories about our demise than you can shake a dental pick (or, fine excavation tool, if you're a dick) at.

Some self-proclaimed Dinosaur Excrement Reclaimation Specialists claim that life on the rock that wasn't used to create a rediculously massive calendar will cease to exist on December 21, 2012.

The Mayan long count allows for a 144,000 day unit of time called the b'ak'tun. December 21, 2012 is the end of the 13th b'ak'tun. Naturally, only the most observant of our astute readers will realize that the Mayans have effectively associated the number 13 with that date.

The Mayans, armed with nothing less than supreme foresight and some of the most advanced dickfoolery available at the time, were certain that future societies would have an inescapable predisposition for Triskaidekaphobia.


So, without space to continue, and rather than simply grabbing another rock, they ultimately abandoned their ambitious plan to count days end-over-end, and instead settled for bragging rights to history's biggest practical joke.


Anyone with the ability to distinguish their asshole from southern Zimbabwe will, based on false presumptions of humankind's sheer awesomeness, realize the real reason for the abrupt end of time keeping in Mayan culture:


Seriously, given the option of turning into Goofy and dining on hot coals while wearing a headdress that features a fucking hockey net for fuck's sake, can you blame anyone for not wanting to make another calendar? It's not like it hadn't been done 12 times prior, and we know we'd be damn bored if we had to draw 144,000 days in a rock with a fucking ice pick.

Anyone with a light to moderate pulse can agree with this hypothesis, but...

Signs of Impending Apocalypse

...still, there are those who will spend the coming years cowering in a pool of their own piss and shame, while looking up and contemplating the next asteroid impact:

Also predicted by the Mayan Calendar.

Atari, Inc. created Asteroids in 1972, which came 9 years after first 13 periods of 151 years A.D.

The number 151 is obviously cursed:

Coincidentally, his IQ is 9.

With all signs pointing to eradication, you better make damn sure you're not caught with your pants down during Apocalypse. And if history has shown us anything, that NASA report is not to be believed. So, if anything, stock up on marshmallows in the meantime, and roast a few with friends and loved ones during our final moments.